Crazy But Untrue

 

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*This story is literally true. I’m not exactly proud of it, but as the cliché goes, you had to be there.

Today, a woman unexpectedly lashed out at me. “Are you stupid? Can’t you read?” She half-shouted at me. She pointed at a sign written in a font so small that only Donald Trump’s hands could have scribbled it. For a second, I thought she might actually strike me – or worse, hand me some MLM brochures.

Instead of engaging, I pointed at my ear and made a signal that I couldn’t hear her and then faked a couple of words using sign language.

“Oh!” she said. Her face reddened.

“Sorry that you thought I was deaf? But not that you completely lost your temper over something inconsequential? Up the dosage, ma’am.” And I smiled, showing her my teeth.

It rained f-bombs, despite the forecast indicating it would be dry today.

“I can’t hear you, ma’am.”
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It was a proud moment for me, and a painful one for Justin’s shoes, given how he stomped off in disgusted anger.

“Not everyone should have a gun,” Justin said. “Some people can’t be trusted.”

“Hey Justin, didn’t you get a DWI a couple of years ago?” I replied. “Should you own a car?”
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In July, I attended a Native American festival.

As I watched a group of celebrants practice the dying art of smoke signals, I couldn’t help but wonder how they might make a semicolon.

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Due to the blustery wind, I opted to walk on the treadmill earlier this morning. Not wishing to sacrifice the scenic advantages of being outside, I micro-dosed with LSD. An hour later – and I can’t get the skis out of the bathtub.

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“I don’t think the waiter likes me,” I told my wife as ate our meal.

“Why do you say that?” she asked me, turning to look toward me.

“The fact that he used my head to open the bottle of wine was the first clue,” I replied.
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I’m not sure that the Purchasing Supervisor appreciated that I bought the new Amazon book, “Yes Or No Guide: For Those Instances In Which You Ask Leigh Davis For A Simple Answer.” 80 pages long. She needs a burn cream now, I think.

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