Due to some confusion, friends in other states were telling us to be safe tonight and to spread the word. I called 367 people in Springdale and asked them to turn off Fox News and never watch it again, before finding out it was a weather warning they had been worried about.

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Anyone who publicly states that they dislike Sloppy Joes is immediately a suspect individual. Run from them. (PS: There are vegetarian versions, too.)

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Really, really bad joke – read at your own risk! “Can you imagine the horror if you thought you were reading Braille and it turned out to be herpes?”

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As a wise person pointed out: “…Laughing at a bad joke doesn’t mean you condone ridicule of the person or subject in question. It means you are acknowledging the humor you display when you think no one is listening.”

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They told me to practice safe sex. The guy at the bank was angry and told me to get out of there, especially if I didn’t know the combination. It’s wise to always get a complete explanation of things before trying them.

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I not only want to know who wrote the book of love, as the song indicates, but also who wrote the preface of the book of love.

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There are folks who think a “seat belt” is a term to describe a left hook from the driver while the passenger isn’t looking.

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I tried to turn Fox News off a few nights ago but alas it had defeated me: it had turned me off years ago.

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Ballet: the only dance method invented by aliens.

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My wife wasn’t amused when I pointed out that fig newtons taste a lot like tobacco if you think about it. (They really do.)

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While I would rather be forced to sit on an increasingly larger series of conical objects than have Trump become president, if there is any consolation for me is that I’m a middle-aged white guy, the political equivalent of the ruling class. I can hide in plain sight and no one will know I’m a crazy liberal. (PS: And I made a map just for giggles…)

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