Humor

I Had The Last Word

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Years ago, a yokel police captain almost killed everyone on the road as he swerved, raced through traffic, and pulled me over. I was driving across the state because teleportation hadn’t been invented. I was speeding; there’s no question. Not by much, but I don’t think it really mattered what I was doing. 

I wasn’t being flippant with him. Quite the opposite. Whatever was going on with him that day, he was furious. Maybe the donuts had made his pants too small, or maybe he was mad that a black man was president. It’s my theory now that he thought I was someone else, someone with whom he had a problem that justified his dangerous maneuver to U-turn in two lanes of traffic and speed back in my direction. 

After he threatened to take me to jail out of the blue, he issued me a ticket and ranted. All I could hear was a red-faced anger-management racist on a power trip. He reminded me so much of my brother that I felt a little sorry for him. He didn’t realize how profoundly stupid he sounded. 

That’s when I got devious.

I wrote him a very professional letter, one using his full legal name, mentioning his stellar career (it wasn’t), and talking about how I very much wanted to help him with his medical condition. The entire letter was a work of art, building to an impeccable punchline. I mentioned that I understood how medical bills and unexpected medical conditions could impact a person. 

I went on to say that I had started a GoFundMe to help him with his medical condition.

And that I hoped that the funds would be sufficient to remove the stick from his ass. 

I mailed a version of the same letter to his sheriff. 

In that sense, my ticket was worth the payoff of imagining the policeman opening the letter and becoming absolutely furious, only to find out his boss got the same letter. There are some who should never become police officers and he clicked a lot of warning boxes. 

A couple of years ago, I was delighted to see that he was forced to retire for abuse allegations. 

I sent him a postcard after he was forced to resign: “It’s GoFundMe guy. Hope you didn’t get the stick out of your ass. You’re going to need it in there if charges are filed for what you’ve done. I’ll send you commissary money when you go in.” 

I’d still like to know whether he had the enormous stick removed.

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Fayetteville, Personal

Downtown A.M.

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I prowled downtown Fayetteville and Dickson Street in the dark. There are always remnant people from the night before. Singing in the parking garages for acoustics, sitting bleary-eyed on curbs and benches, slurring their words and futilely trying to get their dead phones to work. Some were trying to break down equipment and food, tired and eager to get home. Even after 3:00, there were people in the back of some bars still not wanting to surrender the night. A woman waved at me from way up on her penthouse balcony, leaving me to wonder whether the drink she held was a continuation from Saturday celebrations or coffee to acknowledge that Sunday was upon us.

Across from the Walton Arts center, I made the mistake of looking at the hands of a homeless person bundled and covered on the bench. That image stuck in my head and made me feel helpless. The wheelchair sitting at the end of the bench didn’t help. I experienced the privileged dissonance of me walking around on a sleepless night in the same universe this person slept wherever they could.

On the corner of Block and West, I laughed at the unlikely coincidence of Calle’s loudspeaker choice of music, blaring alleged entertainment to no one on the abandoned streets: “X Gon’ Give It To You” by DMX. It was so random and bizarre that I would walk by at that precise moment.

I didn’t want to walk to end. The quiet darkness contained too many colors, sounds, and sights. Even the beautiful houses each had their own quiet beauty.

Lemon Moment, Personal

Windy Watcher

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It was 75° with 20 mph winds early this morning. It felt amazing. Large trees creaked in the wind. 

After walking a random labyrinth of city streets, I walked out of fayetteville’s clutter and into open sky. 

Traffic was unusually light. Not that there’s much at 3:00 a.m., but I’ve become accustomed to recognizing the patterns. 

I can’t explain what gave me the heebiejeebies as I passed the last house on 112/Garland. It was as if something or someone unseen had flickered into my peripheral vision. Goosebumps went up and down my body. It was instantaneous. A feeling of almost dread. 

Watching carefully, I used my phone to zoom in, but saw no movement. Walking around to the other side of the empty house, I did the same thing. The tickle along the back of my neck did not lessen. I stood there for a minute and finally walked away without turning my head to take another look. 

I love these moments when something unseen triggers my subconscious. The wind blasting through the trees and across me enhanced the feeling.

Humor, Law

True Story

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“The one thing I can not teach to an officer is how to make the right decision.”

Who do you think wrote this quote? It’s one of my favorites of all-time. 

This is a direct quote from a Chief of Police for a small NWA town. One he sent to me in a crayon-inspired email in response to my unimpeachable assertion that one of his officers was tripping over his own ego. 

It has a Catch-22 “you’ve-got-to-be-effing-kidding me” feeling doesn’t it? 

Whenever I’m surprised by the nonsense of small towns or the misbehavior of police, I pull up the email and read it, still incredulous after all these years. 

After talking to him in person, I felt compassion for anyone subordinate to him.

If I had ever been charged with a serious crime, this is what I would have said to the judge:

“Your honor, an esteemed Chief of Police once told me that the one thing I cannot teach myself is how to make the right decision. And if that logic is good enough for someone trusted with the position of managing a police department, what right do you have to argue with his logic?” 

🙂

X

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Personal, Humor, Fayetteville

Prank Time

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I was so excited to see my prison jumpsuit and handcuffs arrive when I got off work. Even though it’s hot, I’ve done my inaugural walk up and down busy Gregg Avenue. I couldn’t stop laughing because I could see people slowing down. I got a couple of honks. 

One of my older neighbors shook his head, laughing. “You’re going to get arrested.”

🙂

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Humor

Escape!

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One of my fellow crazy people who works at an inconvenience store asked me again why I haven’t followed through on my prank. I didn’t have a good excuse now that my eyesight is restored.

What could possibly go wrong if I run up and down Poplar Street or along the trail near my apartment?

Most of the FPD I’ve encountered have been great. Executing this prank will determine with great certainty whether they appreciate the joke.

Even though I have much better necessities to spend my money on, I ordered an orange prison jumpsuit this morning.

I’ll keep you posted. 🙂

PS The excursion train runs in front of my apartment. Maybe they’ll see me soon, waving and running.
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Animals, Fayetteville, Personal

Echoes

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Restless interminable night, but a beautifully still morning. Overcoming my unusual reluctance, I hit the streets early, wandering aimlessly. At its darkest, the night held an unusual number people driving, probably due to ill-advised post graduation celebrations.

On Greenvalley Avenue, I accidentally threw my phone as a large deer ran right past me as I stood taking a picture. It ran down to the intersection and stopped there to watch me. I usually spot them at least a street over near the bottom of what I call dead man’s hill.

Birdsong echoed flatly in the absence of any breeze or wind, creating the perfect introspective atmosphere for anyone out enjoying it.

Lemon Moment, Personal

Wonder

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I walked barefoot for an hour, meandering. Two little chipmunks came out from some fallen trees to say hello. They were camera shy because they hadn’t had time to go to the beauty salon this week. Deep back into the brush and trees, there were some Northern Parulas. (Sounds like a salad topping.) The males were brilliant green and yellow. 

It could not have possibly been more beautiful back there. 65°, sunlight breaking through the trees intermittently, and all manner of birds almost entirely hidden -but singing and chirping like 8-year-old girls at their first church recital. 

And I can’t write about it without mentioning how brilliant the colors are again for me. Even the 12 different nuances of green. 

The creeks are of course colder than an accountant’s heart but the numbness afterward was refreshing.

Behavior, Opinion, Safety

Existential

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About 1 in 10 drivers in Arkansas don’t have a valid driver’s license. Those 10% are responsible for 25% of accidents. 

After rewatching my video yesterday of the highly trained police officer getting seriously injured outside of my apartment, I realized it’s time to once again remind everyone that nothing protects us from the chaos of random circumstance. All those years of training and becoming a masterful motorcyclist amounted to nothing when confronted with an idiot without a driver’s license and in too much of a hurry to yield to traffic. 

You can be the smartest, healthiest, most careful person in the world. You can do everything right. 

There’s always going to be an idiot without a driver’s license or someone in too much of a hurry to remember that it’s not worth it to be in a hurry, to be angry, or to remember how precarious it is to be encased in a biological body. 

You can work yourself to the bone, being loyal, diligent and doing your job. And that job can be swept out from under your feet without warning.  Often by people who are callous to the fact that money fails to compare to the impact on human beings. 

We can dedicate ourselves to being compassionate citizens, only to wake up one morning and realize that the people in charge have lost touch with their intended purpose. 

The balancing act never ends. We have to find a way to keep moving no matter what craziness happens to us. Even when we’re bitter, pissed off, or unsure whether anything we do really matters. 

I try to keep an eye out for the people who seem to be positive even when they’re getting slapped. It’s a rare attitude and probably more important than intelligence or hard work. 

PS You don’t have to wave at the grim reaper. He already sees you. 

X

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Grammar, Humor, Opinion

Axe Me

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We all use shorthand to communicate, even if it’s technically incorrect. That’s what fascinates me about language. Whether it’s the grammar police or people who have a pet peeve about things they perceive to be an accurate or wrong, the reality is that usage prevails over perceived correctness. Even if it makes your heart palpitate or your left eye twitch. 

Lately, I’ve been biding my time and waiting. The other day, a self-appointed guardian of the imaginary rules of English stepped in it. 

“F.B.I.  is not an acronym. We describe it as an acronym but that’s not actually correct.”

“What? Of course it is. What are you talking about?”

“An acronym is pronounced as a word in and of itself, like ‘I.C.E.’ If you don’t pronounce the first letters in totality as a word, it is an initialism.”

Silence and confusion. 

“That’s a technicality. Everyone knows what we mean when we call it an acronym.”

I smiled, a tiger trap of acknowledgment. 

“Duh. That’s exactly how the rest of the world feels when you correct them. They’re communicating, not writing  a thesis.”

“If I was interested…”

I cut them off, making a slashing motion with my hand. “That’s a violation. Improper use of the subjunctive.”

I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye as the person walked away.

I should have axed them if they wanted to go get an expresso with me. I could of, but I didn’t feel like being pacific about it. 

¡Viva el caos!

X

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