Gone

How bizarre it is to wander barefoot in what was once my favorite backwoods. Huge expanses now visibly surrender due to the recent clear cutting and brush hogging. On the inside edge where it once required nerves of steel to traverse the brambles, there are gaps that force me see the unsuspecting people on the trail. 

The immense tree that I climbed much too high to get the picture of the hawk completely caught off guard as it looked across in shock at seeing a human right across from it and taking its picture…that tree is a memory. 

On a day like today, the cloudy October sky flying by due to the approaching rain, it’s beautiful. A red-tailed hawk flew by and acknowledged me. But the dozen variety of other birds that always welcome to me here, they are absent. The gap in the canopy overhead is an offense to me. 

Convenience of access holds no advantage because people will not take the time to walk through here. The clog of foliage that once stood here was barrier enough to keep it private for me and provided the sanctuary of the birds and animals that I used to watch and listen to. 

Maybe if the brilliant engineers erect the proposed steel bridge that will overpass the slippery and often submerged water dam, I will have fingers crossed that almost no one will deviate from the new concrete trail. They’ll pass through and eventually the foliage will reclaim its territory. I will, of course, find a new path, one that ignores the modern convenience of a direct dry walk. 

The old long-buried sidewalk to nowhere takes offense at being exposed and replaced. 

The trees that surrendered to gravity but kept growing, the overreaching and tangled branches, they have been truncated after decades of winding their way almost horizontally across the land. Not even the worst storms could suppress them. Blades could. 

My gaggle of crows sits along the creek bed, shouting and screaming. Though I’m sure their screeches derive from something mundane, I’m blaming it on this new absence.

What once was mine now belongs to everyone. Which is to say, no one. 

It’s possible to walk through the beauty once all of this is done. That’s all it’ll be. 

Passing through, rendered as observers only. 

Nothing beats feet uninterrupted on the ground, surrounded by the mess and chaos that nature offers. 

Maybe one day I’ll stop bitching about all this. 

Time heals wounds but salts memories.

Dark Wit

By 2:30 a.m. I looped back into the cacophony. I had fled from the urban streets. It was a crescendo of raucousness, both of loud vehicles and people who had declared war on bedtime – and sensibility. Maybe daylight savings granted them another hour, but most of them were not advocating for carpe diem. The only thing they will be seizing is ibuprofen whenever they crawl out of bed later. I’m accustomed to aberrant traffic and people after midnight on Sunday morning, but this was wild. 

The rain had departed, leaving a beautiful, mist-filled 60° landscape. I found a couple of my favorite canopied and streetlightless neighborhoods. The trees dripped and pinged against the carpet of leaves the weather brought down. No truer Halloween smell of childhood could have been found. 

Around 3:15, I took a detour on Leverett from Poplar. I saw and heard a couple approaching. They discussed the relative paradox of seeking social interaction while simultaneously imbibing to such a degree that they would have no recollection of it. That’s not me paraphrasing in my particular way. They were obviously educated and accustomed to speaking like spilled thesauruses. I burst out laughing when I saw them and they loved my reaction. They were both pirates, except they had gender-reversed their costumes. 

“Are you out walking for leisure at this hour?”

I knew I had to repay their conversation with wit. “I’m currently investigating anecdotal reports of piracy.”

I went on to explain to them that I had heard their conversation way before I could see them clearly. 

“Ah! Yes, that’s true. We don’t drink but we do partake of the giggle smoke.”

Me: “Of course. That’s precisely why they refer to it as the high seas.”

They both laughed. The man, dressed impeccably as a woman, snorted. “How is it that such a pun didn’t occur to me?”

That’s how it came to be that I stood on the wide sidewalk at 3:20 a.m., having one of the most humor and pun-filled conversations I could possibly imagine. In another life, those people would be my tribe. 

It’s interesting to me that I deviated hard to get away from people, only to have my best conversation upon my return to the relatively busy streets. 

Today would have been my brother’s 61st birthday. If he were still alive, I would call him: “Happy birthday. How’s my favorite head-up-his-ass conservative doing?” He would make an obvious comment about Obama and then do his best Bill O’Reilly impression. 

PS did you know that Tom Cruise was born as Thomas Mapother IV? 

Fair

This warmer October weather also brought a resurgence of the stingers. I’m the self-appointed pest control worker for the apartments. 

Foolishly, I assumed we were past the possibility of these bastards. I knew better, but I let my guard down.

How I avoided getting stung earlier is a mystery that rivals the heads on Easter Island. My crime was walking by as they hid inside the mounting fixture of an outdoor door light. 

I returned after a brief bit of calisthenics and windmilling stupidly as they buzzed in on me. 

I left a warning for any of their counterparts who would try to attack me without warning. 

I don’t mind so much if I can see them or have a fair chance. All this sneakiness on their part is simply unacceptable.

“Free” Fall

To allay the potential pearl clutching, I immediately took my hacksaw down and cut off the exposed rebar that tripped the visiting sister downstairs. They haven’t been here long enough to understand that the landlords won’t come to fix something like that. It’s on us and it’s usually me who does it. Part of the price of my free labor is that I get to perform practical jokes. 

Maybe my doorframe guillotine was a bit too much. (I’m just kidding.)

I watched her fall. She already has an arm brace on her right arm. She was not looking down when she tripped, although her version of events tell it differently. 

If I were a lawyer, here’s what I would say: 

“Your contention is that you were looking down?”

“Yes.”

“That assertion strains credibility. For if you were indeed looking down, it’s only logical to conclude that you saw the obstruction and stepped under it anyway.”

Visiting nieces and nephews watched me walk down the stairs with my chalk. When they realized what I was writing, they burst out laughing. The niece asked me to sign it with. “-R,” as all of them have names that begin with that letter. 

The sister who fell already has a reputation for inattentiveness. The arm brace that preceded the fall tends to lend credibility to that reputation. 

I may need a neck brace of my own once the sister sees the message I chalked on the pavement. She does not have a sense of humor like the two occupants below me who I know well. The “wife” of the duo below me has an incredible laugh, one that’s loud and infectious. I’ll let her know she needs to infect her sister with it. 

Update: the downstairs neighbor burst into laughter, laughter that I could hear from inside my apartment. It complemented the beautiful fall day. (No pun intended.)

Legacy Of Memory

This is one of those posts I wrote knowing I couldn’t dare rewrite it or reread it, not even for grammar. It had to just spill out, probably absent context and subtlety. I hate pulling my punches.

Sometimes I can’t be a speaker for the dead. People and families sometimes need to hold their secrets close, even after the cause of needing to do so has withered. This is never more true when self-harm or addiction are among the demons in people’s lives. I’ve lived through countless versions of this story. 

Someone I was very close to when I was very young passed away. I had fallen completely out of contact with him. As he grew up, it’s probably a good thing. His life was a mess by any standard. 

For those who have been connected to either addiction or criminality by way of another person, you understand the implicit risk of trying to stay close. Bystanders, even innocent ones, always end up paying the price. It’s confusing for the person with the addiction. They don’t understand how they attract bad things. You cannot stand by the fire without being scorched by it. 

Coincidentally, the last time I saw him was truly a wild coincidence. It’s been over 30 years. He lived in another part of the state and I lived in Springdale. Several coincidences aligned. Not only was I driving down the street I normally wouldn’t at that time, but I also happened to turn my head and look down the length of a long parking lot adjacent to a rehab center. I recognized his mom first, followed by him. At the time, their awkwardness and discomfort didn’t really register for me. I gave them my contact information and told them I lived less than a quarter of a mile away and to reach out if they needed anything. Looking back, I realize that I was in the presence of ghosts already. 

This rehab stint was one of many in his life. The odds of me driving by and looking that direction to see him are almost impossible. I do wonder what might have become of it if he or his mother had reached out to me. 

My earliest memory in life, one that my mom attempted to angrily tell me was impossible for me to remember, was one of his mother and my dad. Over the years, I reconstructed all of their lives combining research and resented questions. My memory held against my mom’s denial. 

He had a violent and addicted life, one completely different than the one I shared with him when we were both very young. But lord, do I have stories. He was destined to be a hellraiser. I have a lot of memories that make me laugh when I think about him. 

It’s strange when you mourn the version of a person who hadn’t existed in decades. 

The truth is I didn’t know him at all anymore. He became a stranger to me almost 50 years ago. He became a name, a memory, and a connection to a life that I was dragged away from unwillingly. 

Not that it’s important to this story, but I had to move to Northwest Arkansas because of my dad. It took me almost 50 years to find out the deep, dark secret that forced him to leave a place he swore he never would. 

My dad and the man from my childhood who passed were connected in another tragic way, one I’ve written about in other stories but don’t want to connect here. It’s one of my foundation stories, one that screams that truth is definitely stranger than fiction. 

I didn’t hear about his death until about 3 weeks after it happened. He died alone unless you count the substance he couldn’t escape from. He faced yet another return to prison. Whether the two events are connected is conjecture. But I do know that after a certain age, you are either forced to change or the universe takes over and cripples you. Often, you’ve burned so many bridges and people that your circle has become a flat line. Inevitably, you become one too. 

Though I am sometimes heartless in ways some people don’t know about or understand, I do mourn him. Much in the same way I mourn my brother who shared names with him. They also shared middle names with an extra letter thrown in just because we were Southern. 

The person who told me of his passing also mentioned once again how grateful she was to have pulled out of the life that took him. Coincidentally, he died at about the same age that the person informing me of his death reached when she finally stepped away from that life. 

I guess I mourn what could have been and what should have been. 

By way of confession, I was among those who knew the inevitability of his end. 

I’ll still have my childhood memories and stories where he was prominently featured. 

The other part of his life? 

That biography belongs to a stranger I did not know. 

X

.

Get Outta Here

I voted at the courthouse this morning. The last few elections have been amazing in terms of efficiency. I can’t say that they’re great elections if they keep wasting their time printing Tom Cotton’s name on the ballots. 

I took every opportunity to either amuse or confuse everyone at the courthouse. 

“My pants are metallic. Will they go through the metal detector properly?” The deputy looked over the console and then back up at my face. When he realized my serious face had changed to a huge smile, he shook his head. “Got me that time.”

“Is there a line just for the liberals? I bet it’s right in front of the shredder.”

“Can you just mark me down as opposed to Tom Cotton? I don’t really need to fool with a ballot.” 

“Why would anybody run for Secretary of State? That’s a lot of typing and filing for 3 million people.”

“Now you know who I am and where I live. What’s your phone number?” The woman verifying IDs cackled with delight because I winked at her. When she asked me if people call me X, I laughed. “I am usually referred to as ‘Defendant.'” 

“How do they do runoffs for unopposed candidates?” This question elicits a much better response if you look extremely serious when you ask them. 

The volunteer working for one of the judicial candidates laughed because she stopped me on the parking deck and offered me literature. “This is just like Las Vegas.” I turned the card over as if I were looking for something. “Not the right kind of picture though.” She’s evidently gone to Vegas because after a second, she burst out laughing. “I’m voting for your candidate anyway. She’s got much better hair even if her media team can’t get the picture right.” 

I stopped and stepped to the side after getting past Deputy MetalPants. It’s interesting to watch people and listen. An older couple got turned around a little. I pointed them straight ahead and to the left. “Don’t forget to check your screen when you vote. Sometimes it changes your ballot from Republican to the correct choice.” I was certain neither one of them got the joke until the woman stopped after a couple of steps and turned, giving me a big thumbs up and smiling. 

30

Today is an anniversary for my previous life, the one that feels like nostalgic gauze across my memory. Thirty years intervening. 

The first picture is a missed opportunity. I wandered down 112 earlier, enjoying the stillness and watching for meteors. For no reason, I turned on Janice and followed the curve around, enjoying the blackness of the unimproved street. I found the owl sitting on this tree. I took a perfect picture of the ground because my timer was on. Fumbling, I turned it off and pointed the phone up. The owl was gone without me having heard its wings. Which meant it most likely dived down silently to the ground nearby. I waited for it to hoot. It didn’t. As I neared the next corner, it announced its presence behind me. 

The other picture captures the moon, framed by one of my light bottles. 

The third picture holds the moon and a massive contrail that had been dissipating for several minutes. I stood in the deep quiet and watched it for several more minutes as it passed in front of the moon, knowing it would create a colorful halo as the millions of little ice crystals received the light.

Adeiu

In the dead of early morning, I walked through the new massive Drake Farms. It’s already a spectacle of modernity. Enthusiasts of liminal photography should visit this place early in the morning and before its completion. It’s an unfinished world devoid of people. It is Langoliers in reverse. Time scrolls forward, adding and adding until everything becomes squares and rectangles. 

Drake Farms is going to be a billion dollar place spanning 165 acres, thousands of homes, and untold businesses contained in well over a million square feet. I wonder what Noah Drake would make of it. The plan is to preserve his original grove of black walnut trees. I’ve reminded a couple of people that the area is indeed losing something difficult to define with all of this construction. But I also point out that Noah Drake himself was an avid proponent of growth and development. His footprint is everywhere if you know where to look. When the Pendegraft building went up, I loved its rustic look as I walked or drove by it multiple times a day. In the back of my mind, I knew that it was intended to be the anchor of a massive incursion into the wilderness.

I looped back on to West Drake. It’s one of the last secret places where you can stand and be equidistant from lights. About halfway between Gregg and 112, it is stunning in the dark. It provides a rare vantage point to watch the entire sky. The U of A Agri facility provides a barrier to the South. Drake Farms will eradicate the dark beauty of the night soon enough.

Two vehicles rocketed past, both of them easily going 80 mph. Although it’s rare, they are at risk of colliding with one of the infrequent deer who run along the cyclone fence of the Agri facility. Two years ago in November, the hair on the back of my neck stood up as a huge deer sprinted toward me from behind and raced past. Had I not been startled, I could have touched it. It finally found a spot on the north side from which to leap across and into the wilderness. The wilderness that will soon be concrete and conduit. 

The night/early morning was breathtakingly still. Each bird call and each twig snapping carried far beyond its normal reach.

I didn’t want to leave the long lonely stretch. I saw three meteors as I stood or walked back and forth along the length of Drake. 

Returning, I stopped at the huge X and took a picture of the hill and of the beautiful luminous moon that’s two days away from being full. Even the contrails from high altitude planes are gorgeous as they streak and spread, remaining behind for minutes after the plane streaks away. They’re ice crystals trapped in the upper atmosphere. That’s where contrails got their name: condensation trails. 

I knew I had to walk this route again soon. Like so many other places, encroachment incrementally eradicates its deep and dark natural beauty. The walk I took this morning was a goodbye. 

Those who think I’m too maudlin won’t appreciate that I was a little upset. The night world exposes and amplifies each loss of dirt and trees.

Lights, once placed, never cede control back to nature. 

Escondite Day

It’s Esondite Day. (Escondite is a Spanish word for ‘hiding place.’)

A couple of times in the fall, I collect pounds of acorns, choosing them carefully from the ground and climbing trees to shake the limbs like Cool Hand Luke. If anyone driving down the hill on Appleby wondered why the tree was shaking, now they know. 

This time, I also have a bag of dried corn for these darn squirrels. 

And of course, the perfect place to place them. 

If you didn’t know, this time of year is prime hoarding and burying time for our local squirrels. They absolutely love getting green ones so that they can bury them and let them ferment and ripen. It saves the squirrels time and energy. Granted, you’re going to have to shake the tree like hell or climb one to get the really good green ones that won’t fall for a while.

I would not have guessed that it would be 80° on October 23rd, or that actual mosquitoes would nip at me as I loaded the tree and the fence line with treats.