Happy July 5th…

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Narcoslepsy: new TV show about DEA cops who do nothing except nap.

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I found out that “Shut your face I’m fabulous” is not recommended language in an employee evaluation rebuttal. – X.

(For anyone of you guys wondering: even if there is no actual ‘comment’ or ‘rebuttal’ space provided, I’ve found that a really red marker with a wide tip tends to overpower anything else on the page; thus, any section becomes a ‘rebuttal/comment’ place if you need one.)

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The following is either a sublime joke – or not…

I went to the U of A Research Center to test my aptitude for being in a focus group. Since it paid well, I wanted the gig for extra cash.
After filling out a mountain of paperwork and doing 2 psychological batteries, I proceeded to the next round.

The presenter opened a long curtain in the front of the room. I sat with 14 other focus group members. A voice came over the intercom: “Here we have a team of 12 hospital administrators and a lawyer going over their catastrophe plan. In the event of…”

I jumped up and hollered, “This is so fake!”, and interrupted the voice. The presenter clicked a button and the intercom voice dwindled.

The presenter’s left eyebrow arched up and he said both quizzically and impatiently asked, “Well, what is so fake, X?”

“Anytime there is a group of hospital administrators, there are at least 5 lawyers for each one of them.” I felt like Encyclopedia Brown, having just cracked the case.

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“It was as if the world were getting older, even as we looked out upon it and convinced ourselves that we were untouched; yet our treasonous memories remind us that we are spinning just as quickly with it. If it weren’t for happy memories such as these I fear we would be hurled into space…” – X

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I was going to sing with Joy, but instead did a duet with Palmolive.

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“Sister Sludge.” R&B group which sings about water treatment.

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Mr. Tambourine Man never got invited to parties because he literally had trouble holding his liquor.

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In church, I’m desperate to yell “Mash-UP!” when the music starts.

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I was going to shout “Encore!” but unfortunately it doesn’t mean ‘please don’t that anymore.’

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Acapella renditions are the best-especially if the performance is all angry mimes.

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Somewhere a frustrated bird sings a lullaby, while passersby walk under him, unaware that he doesn’t remember the lyrics.

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I mention the ‘forgotten banjo’ with frequency because one of the big secrets to excelling is to choose a skill which is difficult to compare. Throwing a javelin is great, but imagine an explosive javelin throwing competition, or being the best Portuguese country music singer or rapping when everyone is singing like drunken English schoolgirls.

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You know who the angriest ghost in the world would be? The guy who fell into a vat of helium. He’d suffocate, but scream in such a hilariously high-pitched voice that no one would know he was in serious trouble. That’s the kind of ghost I’d be afraid of.

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