Happy July 5th…

tropical-beach-1454007190ZAK fake tilt shiftfinal


Narcoslepsy: new TV show about DEA cops who do nothing except nap.


I found out that “Shut your face I’m fabulous” is not recommended language in an employee evaluation rebuttal. – X.

(For anyone of you guys wondering: even if there is no actual ‘comment’ or ‘rebuttal’ space provided, I’ve found that a really red marker with a wide tip tends to overpower anything else on the page; thus, any section becomes a ‘rebuttal/comment’ place if you need one.)


The following is either a sublime joke – or not…

I went to the U of A Research Center to test my aptitude for being in a focus group. Since it paid well, I wanted the gig for extra cash.
After filling out a mountain of paperwork and doing 2 psychological batteries, I proceeded to the next round.

The presenter opened a long curtain in the front of the room. I sat with 14 other focus group members. A voice came over the intercom: “Here we have a team of 12 hospital administrators and a lawyer going over their catastrophe plan. In the event of…”

I jumped up and hollered, “This is so fake!”, and interrupted the voice. The presenter clicked a button and the intercom voice dwindled.

The presenter’s left eyebrow arched up and he said both quizzically and impatiently asked, “Well, what is so fake, X?”

“Anytime there is a group of hospital administrators, there are at least 5 lawyers for each one of them.” I felt like Encyclopedia Brown, having just cracked the case.


“It was as if the world were getting older, even as we looked out upon it and convinced ourselves that we were untouched; yet our treasonous memories remind us that we are spinning just as quickly with it. If it weren’t for happy memories such as these I fear we would be hurled into space…” – X


I was going to sing with Joy, but instead did a duet with Palmolive.


“Sister Sludge.” R&B group which sings about water treatment.


Mr. Tambourine Man never got invited to parties because he literally had trouble holding his liquor.


In church, I’m desperate to yell “Mash-UP!” when the music starts.


I was going to shout “Encore!” but unfortunately it doesn’t mean ‘please don’t that anymore.’


Acapella renditions are the best-especially if the performance is all angry mimes.


Somewhere a frustrated bird sings a lullaby, while passersby walk under him, unaware that he doesn’t remember the lyrics.


I mention the ‘forgotten banjo’ with frequency because one of the big secrets to excelling is to choose a skill which is difficult to compare. Throwing a javelin is great, but imagine an explosive javelin throwing competition, or being the best Portuguese country music singer or rapping when everyone is singing like drunken English schoolgirls.


You know who the angriest ghost in the world would be? The guy who fell into a vat of helium. He’d suffocate, but scream in such a hilariously high-pitched voice that no one would know he was in serious trouble. That’s the kind of ghost I’d be afraid of.




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