Merge Now

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Some short bursts of remembrance are best expressed as fleeting tesseracts, eclipsing time and place. Were that such magic possible, even if only as brief glimpses on a dimming Autumn afternoon. Here’s one…

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PSA: After writing dozens of pieces about privacy, I am still perplexed that anyone, anywhere believes that much of their life isn’t an open book written in shouted whispers, for anyone interested, to see. The only thing saving most of us is that we simply aren’t interesting enough to catch the attention of the lunatic fringe. As a clever person once said: “If there is a window, someone is looking through it, watching you.”

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I knew the gym was a great place to practice comedy when I asked the muscle-bound trainer, “Can I get additional spheroid cross-sections on the weight bar?” And he said, “No eating on the equipment.”

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Wife: “You don’t have to eat all that like there’s no tomorrow.”

Me: “If I eat all that, there will be no tomorrow.”

Marriage conversations: like fencing except more dangerous.

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I’m so terrible at investing that I should be arrested for outsider trading.

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With apologies to my normal friends: Churches need to hand out cymbals to members of the congregation. But not for musical accompaniment; instead, people could clang them randomly and thunderously as heads start tilting down as parishioners doze off. Also, a sensor could activate and then start playing “Ride of the Valkyries” at window-shattering volume. Points could be awarded for each scream, tongues bit, dentures hurled involuntarily or people jumping over pews. And we could live stream it, too.

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final7777

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“It’s just a pipe dream,” the teacher told me when I was very young. Turns out, she was right – a sewer pipe.

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I will start my own meteorological tv station. I’ll name it ‘The Whether Channel,’ as I just want to know whether it will rain or not, be hot or cold, etc.

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