“He was so insanely competitive that he refused to even leave his own shoes tied.”

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When Mattel, Inc. contacted me to seek permission to base a new doll on me, I was excited – until discovering I was to be 1st in their new line of Inaction Figures.

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The only difference between a jawbreaker and an aquarium rock is one of enthusiasm while chewing.

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At what exact point in his life did the snowman actually become abominable?

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The gurus tell us to avoid hate letters. Which is why I’m about to launch a new line of “Screw You” postcards, for those occasions you don’t hate someone but wish to send them a quick note to let them know that you can’t wait to start missing them.

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“I am not a fan of gratuitous violence,” he sagely intoned. “Me neither, but everyone thinks their violence is necessary.”

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