Southeast of Eden?

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Adjective joke: The sign indicated “Reserved Parking,” but the guy who exited his vehicle was one of the most aloof people I had ever seen.

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Overly-descriptive analogy for the morning: “…it was the type of morning for which you would gladly insert your head into the slivered aperture of a storm drain, hoping that Pennywise the Clown were there, anticipating your arrival…”

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Confirmed: local hospitals are offering free wound care to any Arkansas Razorback fan who is still deeply butthurt.

No word yet on whether Beliema’s $11,000 a day was wounded, though.

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The old man turned to yell at me. “Hold your horses!”

“Mister,” I replied, “I can barely get them to cuddle!”

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Sometimes, location matters. Imagine if we’d grown up watching the “Werewolf of Toledo” instead of the horror classic as we know it.

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Because they warned me to dress formally, I appeared at the gala wearing my best birthday-suit-and-tie.

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I woke up to a Monday morning. I dread the day – not because of the calendar, but because I can write 90% of the conversations I’m going to see and hear today before they occur. Don’t blame me as I creatively avoid the inevitable onslaught of news interpretations in favor of seeing things for what they are: overwhelmingly normal with a chance of crazies.  (Written the morning after the Las Vegas shooting…)

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Inexplicably dangerous: playing The Cars’ seminal 80s hit song “Shake It Up” on the company sound system at Dynco Nitroglycerin Manufacturing.

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“I’m not saying that the small town’s police force is racist. On the other hand, they did arrest a can of black paint the other day.”

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Culinary Science Fact: calamari was actually the result of an experiment gone awry. Two teams of scientists were investigating both calamari and nasal discharge. They got the samples mixed up and both were rated as “edible.” It’s been hell ever since.

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If Target or Wal-Mart wants to play Xmas music already, you should rejoice. That means that big business thinks that Trump won’t have effed-up the entire country by then. That’s optimism, the fundamental essence of Xmas.

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For a short time, I had a parrot that loved nuance, trivia, and arcane little-known facts: he was a technical fowl.

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“Why do you insist that a sense of humor is our greatest gift” He asked me.

“Well, your face is sufficient proof that our creator indeed had an unrivaled sense of the hilarious,” I replied, a small smile touching the corners of my mouth.

PS: I value wit over popularity

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 It turns out that my Bedroom Gong wasn’t the best idea…

…but I’m basing that conclusion solely on the murderous look on my wife’s face this morning at 5 a.m.

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It occurs to me that he is also the Inedible Hulk, too.

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I recall with fondness the halcyon days of my youth – especially that time when I entered my sawhorse in the Ozarks Rodeo.

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Strange and Inappropriate Juxtapositioning:

Is it just me or is there something amiss with playing Michael Jackson’s greatest hits at an 8-year old’s birthday party?

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I spent about 2 hours in the dentist’s chair this afternoon. He was pissed when he came home and found me napping there.

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