This Isn’t Here

 

 

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Set aside a couple of minutes, please.

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I had a dream. I was walking down Emma Street and realized that the street had been renamed to “Calle Emma.” And it made me laugh. Things change whether people do or not. Why shouldn’t the current population change things? Just ask Native Americans. Thousands of years of history were erased by the arrival of Europeans. Your opinion will be taken into consideration. Or not.

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I heard that my psychiatrist was a bit of a publicity hound but her new hybrid R&B CD / cookbook titled “Shrink Rap” was a bit too far.

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Not one to boast but if everyone could bust a move like me we’d need a huge bottle of super glue for Xmas.

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My new gym/church is going to be named “Absolution.”

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As the indentured wordsmith of the family, I was asked to write an impromptu poem for my mother-in-law Julia today…

A No-Thanks-Given Poem

Pants unbuttoned, stomachs distended…
we’re gonna eat more
than nature intended
platters adorn the counters
platters carpeting the floor
and yet, there sits frowning Julia,
questioning…
“Is there more?”

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As for the extra bedroom my sister-in-law Darla has, I’m pretty sure that parts of “The Conjuring” and all of “Annabelle” were filmed in here. #thanksgivingwandering

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I’m an enabler. My wife Dawn asked me to pick her up a box of coffee nips from Walgreens. I had to pick up another round of pictures for my mammoth xmas project. I bought every box they had. The clerk just laughed.

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It is strange how history ignores certain pioneers, especially when they have unusual or provocative names. Take the first duo to traverse the Mississippi: Lewd & Clark

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I knew the family reputation of having tough, mean women must be true because their marriage counselor was also a hostage negotiator.

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Things always look different to those doing something. You’re going to be watched, it’s true – and probably judged, so why not go ahead and do what it is you need to anyway?

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Kodak & Insurance moment brought to you by the guy sitting on the roof of his house, lap a tangle of Christmas lights, and drinking Keystone beer. I don’t know how he got up there without a ladder, how the biting wind wasn’t killing him, or how Keystone gets away with not putting a poison label on its products. This moment made waiting until later in the day to take a walk worth it. No, Cousin Eddie Johnson was nowhere in sight.

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Walton Arts Center hasn’t changed. Making memories with Acrobats of China. Dawn told me to take a good picture.

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Life-Win: when a multi-million dollar company writes you about your personalized gift and inquires “Are you sure you want THAT printed on your gift?”

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Perhaps he’s no racist, but I just saw where the band Foreigner was detained at the airport.

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Perhaps it’s a tired joke, but I just heard a lady praise someone for having a photogenic memory. The upshot is that the guy in question is dumber than a Grey’s Anatomy script – and so uncomely that even dogs won’t bite him.

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Cliche Advances: While there is no “I” in ‘team,’ there is an “I” in ‘idiot.’

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Nonsensical yet profoundly unimportant news: His name was Giraffe. Regrettably, he died from rubber-necking on the interstate.

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