A List Of Stuff To Consider

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“Nothing was done but much was accomplished.”

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I was so proud of my version of the derp horse, I had to share it here. If you’re not familiar with this, your life is devoid of all depth and meaning.

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Usually accompanied by pointed finger and shouting.

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Like all truly great loves, it started with a bowl of pico de gallo…

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Beans, like one’s wife, always get the last word.

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It wasn’t a drive-in until I got the gas pedal and brake mixed up. Sorry about that. On the other hand, the popcorn at the theater smelled great.

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“The ‘B’ is silent,” she told me, pointing to her name badge, emblazoned with her name: Bee.

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Is there a “Going Out of Business Sign Company” which makes all the “Going Out of Business” signs for all the other closing businesses? If so, how would we know if it were going out of business?

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When my boss called me in to give me a pink slip, I asked him if he could also provide matching slippers and a princess wand.

P.S. I’m not sure that “double fired” is a real thing.

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I thought I had really accomplished something until I read the certificate more closely: Employee For a Month.

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The klutz found his calling when he was chosen for the Spilling Bee.

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The work softball team was really pissed at me. After becoming equipment manager I accidentally ordered W-Shirts instead of Ts.

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Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the next round of layoffs, or for those days when you need a place to eat which walks the fine line between cuisine and packaging supplies.

****…With Candles.

Class – Without The Cost.

After months of researching possible food franchises, I think I’m going to open an ****. I wanted to close one, but they wouldn’t give me that option.

Not just any type of **** though; I want one which exudes class and style, like a pre-owned car salesman who lost his bifocal reading glasses on “Listening-to-the-Customer Training Day,” but who also owns a fedora and thinks ESPN is a news channel.

Need to take your significant other out for an elegant meal in order to lower his or her expectations? Do you know how valuable your customer is to your company but would rather not let him or her know? Wish to tell an employee he or she is “Employee of the Month,” but is still not getting a raise? Harbor unrealized pyromaniacal tendencies but so far have been stymied in expressing them?

****…With Candles. The candles spell c-l-a-s-s.

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Legal Disclaimer: This is satire, although I will begin accepting reservations on Feb. 1st.

P.S. The “****” denotes the censored name of the ‘restaurant.’ My last viral experience with getting the attention of a dubious restaurant chain reminded me that as the likelihood of food-borne illness increases, the sense of humor of the company inversely declines.

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