This Post Contains No Recipes For Banana Soup

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There are times when pop culture references are so stupidly sublime that I can’t help but laugh. Naturally, I must perpetuate them. Thanks, Goldbergs.

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“S,” he said. “No, I meant ‘salty.’ That’s not right either. ‘Sorty.’ Darn it!” John stood there unable to say what he wanted.

Jake walked by and said, “He’s trying to say ‘SORRY.'”

“Why is that so difficult?” I asked.

“Duh X. Everyone knows that sorry is the hardest word to say.”

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I bought a carton of milk at the cafeteria. As I sat down to open it, the carton slipped from my fingers and spilled everywhere.

As a tear formed in my eye, my friend Jake walked by. “You can’t cry over that spilled milk.”

“Cliche aside, why not?” I asked.

“Because that brand is Lachrymose Intolerant.”

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After listening to his speech, as eloquent as it was, his misuse of semicolons troubled me.

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Happy Hollandaise!

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I had my phone number changed to an irrational number.

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“The best home security always involves questionable anger issues.” – X

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I’m taking a new job as a spell checker for Books On Tape.

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I bought 4 industrial-sized rolls of bubble wrap for my liberal friends.
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P.S. *Humor (I’m a liberal…)

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Red Lobster should change its name to Dead Lobster because they refused to serve me a live one to-go. I wanted to adopt a pet – and preferably one which hadn’t been declawed.

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It’s a dangerous obstacle course today, as I dive out of the way as people’s New Year’s resolutions crash and burn.

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It’s an Enrico Pallazzo or Frank Drebin kind of situation today.

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X Teri’s New Year Meal Recommendation: eat whatever you want, even the last 2 old hot dogs in the partially-opened package. Reminder: if you’re eating anything with more than 1 adjective in the name, you’re not eating, you’re imitating.

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2019 New Year’s Resolution: 1080p

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Copera: the long, dramatic, and incomprehensible song and dance we all do when pulled over by the police.

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I’m going to do a reboot of Andy Griffith as an inventory and security specialist working at a new small town distribution centet: “Mayberry RFID.”

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I called for a number.

“Would you like to hear some jazz,” said the sultry voice.

“What? No.” I said in momentary confusion. “Didn’t I dial the operator?”

“Yes indeed. But they connected you with the smooth operator.”

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Christmas Note: No one wants to try my new recipe, “Hannibal Lecter’s Meatloaf.” Even if I swear it’s vegetarian, everyone is yelling “Bah humbug!” and running.

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Accoring to Grease, Westside Story, Glee, and MJs Beat It, a dance-off is the best way to kick some butt. I’m about to give some black eyes with my stellar moves.

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Coincidence? Mentos and mentoes are just one letter apart and according to my tastebuds, taste identical.

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“Hey, there’s a letter “k” in my breakfast!” I yelled.

“You asked for scrabbled eggs, didn’t you?”

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