Cabbage Is The Pizza Of Old Age

“Cabbage is the pizza of old age.” – X

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A basic cable tv network is considering using my workplace for a docuseries.

To my surprise, one of the movers-and-shakers asked me, “You’re good at this sort of thing, X. What should we call it?”

Without hesitation, I replied, “Donuts & Dumbasses.”

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“No rest for the wicked,” they said.

“This new mattress begs to differ.”

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I just found out that Dawn started dating me accidentally. She thought my online dating profile had said, “…likes long one-way walks on the beach.”

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Do you ever get the feeling you’re going to r-e-a-l-l-y need a good criminal defense attorney but can’t quite explain why? Me neither.

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He refused to make a pot of coffee due to religious grounds.

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I’m suing the “World’s Largest Baby Shower.” The baby was no more than 10 lbs.

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My new sport “Skeetboarding” is amazing. Mixing the thrills of skateboarding with the explosive speed of skeet shooting, it is great fun for everyone. Except for the scorekeepers, whose mortality rate is at 100%.

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If someone can market a “rice cake” without getting murdered by an angry snacker-mob, I can sell almost anything too.

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As the meeting wound down, my manager held up his hand to get our attention.

“In the interest of learning new things, it’s customary for someone to give us a new word – or one we haven’t truly understood,” he said.

Because I’m helpful, I shouted “Ethics!” with a booming voice.

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Were I able to distill & bottle the essence of returning to an unreasonable job after a vacation, I would market it to young people to serve as a distasteful motivation to find a way to fill your days with a meaningful blend of both commerce and freedom.

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Diet salad dressing should be called salad undressing because the more you eat it, the more likely you’ll undress.

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The party was a mess. Due to the fact that I mumble, I accidentally ordered a f(r)og machine, which made the dance floor unimaginably slippery.

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*In Mississippi, it is legal to kill someone if they are playing bagpipes.

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You know you’re too focused on eating when someone says, “Well, it’s food for thought,” and your first thought is whether you can eat supper twice or not.

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“Love the one that’s your width.” – X’s new take on an old cliche and song lyric.

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When Dawn walked with me Saturday, we stood motionless as a Bobcat approached. Then we noticed its tophat and realized it was a harmless yet proper Robertcat.

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Seeking a recommendation or opinion.
Which is weirder, scented or flavored toilet paper?

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Now that I’ve reached an altitude of 5,000 feet above sea level, I now realize that the motivational speaker’s catchphrase was “Attitude is everything.”

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