Listen. Or rather, read. This is another post I wasn’t going to share. Earlier in the week, I stood on the landing and watched the birds and traffic. I’d come home to serve as a taxi before returning to work. I have the best view of anyone in the l-shaped apartment building. A large white truck drove into the parking lot and turned in to park at the streetside of the lot. I looked away to fiddle with my phone. When I looked up, someone was approaching across the landing. It’s rare for anybody to cross the long portion of the landing at that hour. At 2:00 a.m. it’s normal. Those who traverse it that hour are still at that stage of their life where they don’t realize that burning both ends of the candle tends to catch your shirt on fire, metaphorically or otherwise. As the man approached, I realized I knew him. He spoke briefly to me and I responded politely. I noticed he was walking oddly. He went into a nearby apartment. I know the purpose of his visit was to drop off drugs. I know that because he used to be my next door neighbor. Even though he was the impetus for my having taken a few violence self-defense sessions, I had to acknowledge that if had ill intentions, I would have only had two seconds to respond. I also know that I would have been capable and that the outcome probably would be on the news. It tickles me still that people look at me and see a mild-mannered middle-aged man.

When the ex-neighbor exited the apartment, we talked for a bit. It was his birthday and he was feeling old. There was no weirdness and no subtext of violence. Out on the landing almost 2 years ago, I was recovering from emergency surgery. That’s what made the light bulb go off in my head back then. If someone is putting you in the position of defense, they don’t care what condition you’re in. In fact, you being vulnerable is an enticement to many. But in this case earlier in the week, I gave him medical advice because he had suffered a pretty hideous hernia recently.

It was a strange moment. I wished him a happy birthday, despite him being in pain. I actually encouraged him to get his MRI more quickly and to do the follow-up without delay for his own safety. Regardless of what he does for extra money, he is human. Whatever drove him to behave so irrationally a couple of years ago most likely was the result of altered brain chemistry. He might not even remember it. That is a sobering realization; that someone can affect you so deeply and perhaps not realize it.

I like to think the potential moment of violence had its purpose. It motivated me to focus and learn a couple of new skills. It echoed in my head as I escalated my habits to stay in shape. I look back on my childhood and hope that the violence had its purpose. Even while I simultaneously realize that it was the outcome of random unchecked toxicity. All of us who experienced it came out of it in our own way. Each of us however, cannot look back without realizing it infected each of us differently. My brother sublimated it into anger and alcoholism. Intelligence did not provide a trap door for him to escape it. My sister chose a similar path. She’s still standing and is 2 years clean and sober now. The truth is that few people would have expected that outcome. It truly is a matter of where you end up and not so much how many horrible detours you’ve taken.

The words my neighbor that day long ago were some of the worst I’ve ever heard. Almost two years later, I know I probably will never forget them.

I probably can’t adequately explain how odd this moment out on the landing in the early morning was to me. He was just a dark shadow of the past who interrupted my morning. I knew everything would be okay even if it wasn’t. Because that’s the only way to get through the day. We seldom start the day knowing what pratfalls life is going to ask of us. You can’t even prepare for them.

Love, X