- Drink water for your body. You can also use it for an exorcism.
- Drink coffee for your sanity and vodka for the safety of your coworkers.
- Mind your own business.
- Remove sharp objects from pockets in case of arrest.
- Give hugs even when you’d rather give karate chops.
- Smile. Show your fangs.
- Don’t open restraining orders until 6 p.m.
- Laugh often. Especially when reading emails or talking to your boss.
- If people complain to you, send them an invoice.
- Leave a toothbrush hanging from your mouth if you want to be left alone.
- Monday is a gift that you can’t return.
- Mondays are 1/7th of your life. That’s 26% if you didn’t spend enough time learning.
- Always carry a fork. If someone bugs you at work, pull it out and give thanks for the meal you are about to receive.
- If you get upset, whisper. It’s much scarier than shouting. Doubly so if you turn off the lights before you do so.
- Keep a good work friend close by. It reduces your chances of a bear attack by 50%.
- Don’t battle craziness with brilliance. Nonsense is more effective and always debatable.
- If you have gas, don’t hold it in. Instead, shout, “Now With Gas Power!”
- If you want a snack, spend a dollar. If you want all the snacks, buy a brick.
- There will always be more work. There won’t always be more time.
- No matter what your job is, don’t forget that all of us are looking for a way to be happy without drowning. Don’t throw both ends of the rope if we’re in the water.
- Use the stairs for exercise and the elevator for gossip.
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P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 