Category Archives: Humor

No Worse For The Wear (Or Non-Wear)

This is a true story, one which makes me proud. After you read the story, you’ll be proud to know me too.

This evening, as the darker clouds rolled in to meet the deepening sunset on this beautiful day, I stopped at one of the local liquor stores. (Which, for the uninitiated, is a place one might purchase alcoholic beverages.) My wife remained in the car, probably anticipating more antics from me. Plausible deniability is a virtue after so many years of marriage.

As the magical automatic double glass doors slipped open upon my approach, I entered with a smile. Three employees were near the rear left side of the store. All three proclaimed an enthusiastic version of “Hey, how are you?” to greet me.

Per my usual custom of saying something stupid, I used my cliché “Terrible!” as my reply.

The youngest of the three visible employees, a fresh-faced and enthusiastic man, laughed and said, “You don’t look any worse for the wear, though.”

Smiling even deeper and preparing to raise my voice, I half-shouted back: “You should see me NAKED!”

The younger employee stood with a stupefied expression on his face. The wizened veteran at his side burst out laughing as I continued walking.
.

A Brush With a Celebrity

Five years ago, I was visiting Miami. The taxi dropped me on Collins Avenue. There were people everywhere, which shouldn’t have surprised me. Being unfamiliar with the streets, I couldn’t easily find a good eatery. There certainly weren’t any Subway sandwich shops and the thought of how delectable one would be motivated me to keep walking in the heat.

I turned south and found myself in a throng of people, all of whom were slowly moving. Up ahead, I could see a sandwich shop sign above all the people on the street. Twenty minutes later, I entered the crowded shop and felt the air conditioning on my face.

Ahead of me in line, I could see a group of people standing tightly together instead of in the line. A woman was in the center of the entourage. I could see her talking animatedly with her group. As I inched closer, I realized that I recognized her voice: it was Tina Turner and several of her musicians and dancers.

She turned back to the person making the orders. She asked for 4 turkey clubs, a hero, a couple of pastramis on rye, and 5 vegetarian sandwiches. Because the food preparer was probably a little starstruck, Tina had to repeat herself a few times.

The preparer leaned over the sneeze-guard and said something I couldn’t quite hear.

Tina, in frustration, leaned toward the food preparer and shouted, “We don’t need another hero!”

Get Plenty of Fiber?

One morning, I woke up later than normal. I had taken my wife Dawn to the doctor the evening before and we’d then stopped by to see some friends.

I heard an odd thudding from somewhere. Weirdly, Dawn arose earlier than I had.

I followed the sound through the house and looked into the smaller bathroom.

Dawn was kneeling on the bathroom floor next to the toilet, holding a small hammer. The lid to the toilet was raised. As I watched, she swung the small hammer and hit the toilet bowl. Then again and again.

“Stop!” I hollered. “What are you doing?” I thought she might have lost her mind.

Dawn turned her head toward me, obviously aggravated. “The doctor told me to be sure to check for hard stools this morning.”

Dog!

animal-collar-dog-8700

I got a dog last Sunday and on the way home, it jumped out of the car, barking and running fast. Someone passing by yelled, “You need to go to the dentist!” as he slowly drove be me.

“The dentist?” I asked him. “Why?”

Without hesitating, he shouted back, “Cause you’re missing a canine!”

A New Cat

animal-animal-photography-cat-96938.jpg

My neighbor Matt adopted a new cat last Saturday. He’d always had dogs but wanted a cat for his wife. After a few days, he came over and reluctantly asked me to visit and play with it to see if I could determine what was wrong with it.

When I went inside Matt’s house, I could see the cat’s eyes peering at me from under the sofa, hiding as far under it as possible.

“Here, kitty kitty,” I murmured to it. The cat suspiciously poked its head out and then scampered stealthily around the sofa and table to stare at me through slitted eyes. Each time I raised my arm, the cat retreated slightly, watching every movement in the room.

This went on for about five minutes.

Matt asked me, “X, what do you think is wrong with my cat?”

“Nothing,” I replied. “He’s just purranoid.”

Downtown Dummies – An Art Installation Sponsored by Prank Sinatra

666666
I keep lists of jokes, ideas, and amusing things to amuse my amusing self. Last year while I was walking before sunrise in downtown Springdale, I burst out laughing with one of them.

I’ve been secretly fantasizing about an idiotic prank for quite a while. I’ve browsed on eBay, Amazon, and retail clearance websites trying to get a reasonable cost to purchase several dozen mannequins. The best cost I could devise was about $750. Three weeks ago, I could have purchased an entire lot, clothing included, from a defunct retailer.

After purchasing all the mannequins and keeping them in a self-storage unit, I’d rent a U-Haul. Early in the morning, I would drive around downtown Springdale and strategically place the dummies in key places. (Benches, leaning on walls, astride Spring Creek, behind patrol cars, etc.) It occurred to me that I could create a story if I was creative enough in my implementation. (With the epilogue involving me getting bailed out of jail, I presume.)

I even had a list of explanations if I were caught. I’d say, “It’s an art project for the Revitalization District.” Or, I’d say, “Look at that!” and as the person looked, I’d run like hell in any possible direction.

If I keep my movements low-key, no one will think twice about dummies downtown. There are always several standing or loitering around down there and several have been elected to keep the city running. Just kidding, Doug. I’m a big fan, with the exception of that horrendous city logo – the one which invokes an image of the floor of a New York City Taxi when I look at it.

I’ve had more fun thinking about doing this than you might expect.

I’ll probably never do it now, especially after sharing it with everyone.

If there’s anyone out there reading this, though, it would make an excellent prank.

It would also make a beautiful art project if it were planned with care.

Still Looking For a List?

I watched a soccer match yesterday. I thought it was a soccer match. It turned out to be a group of hipsters chasing an empty Walmart bag.

.

.

I went to the convenience store and read the cashier’s mind. Or, I tried to. It was in Braille.

.

.

I accidentally revealed how I really feel about my boss. He mentioned that he had to go home for a few minutes and I asked him what side of town he kept his crypt.

.

.

I’ve been cleared of the doping allegations. In other news, I need to engage in a sport to be banned for doping – and recreational eating still isn’t on ESPN.

.

.

The more someone says, “No one reads anymore,” the more certain I am that he or she is really saying, “I don’t read anymore.” – X

.

.

Rarer than the North Carolina Unicorn: the Venn Diagram of Surprise Parties and Cardiac Rehab.

.

.

The sign said “Act Now!” so I did my best William Shatner-as-Macbeth impression.

.

.

Investment Tip: join me in buying stock in the new internet prosthetic eye company. Fill-In-The-Blink, Inc.

.

.

I know a guy named Chip Mhoon. The ‘H’ in his name is always silent – unlike him, who never is.

.

.

Reciprocity Observation: How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot-in-the-mouth?

.

.

Sorry about the explosive mix-up at the fancy supermarket. It turns out the bagging clerk asked me, ” Paper or Plastique ? ”

.

.

“Hunger Strike” sounds exactly like a version of bowling wherein the bowler who misses all the pins isn’t allowed to eat for at least 48 hours.

.

.

“You know that age is winning the race when a youngster (anyone under 35) asks, “What’s your favorite summer jam?” and you reply with the name of any fruit.” – X

.

.

Four hours later, I’m finished: I built an old pallet out of a coffee table.

.

.

“Of violins, he spoke with eloquence, though his heart was tuned to a banjo of unknown origin.” – X

.

.

I think it’s a strange spectacle how we go about our day, with a universe of ideas and stories in our heads. The oblique truth always finds a soft place to land.

.

.

35628574_10155992688819965_8113510740486258688_n

May your day be a multitude of happy moments…