Argument Starter 101:
(Or, “How To Win The Internet”)

Preface: did you know one of the top ways to trigger algorithm engagement is to make content about tipping? One of the other top ways is to use necessarily cliché, small words and post content about any random popular sports organization, actor, or singer. (Bruce Springsteen and Nicki Minaj are omitted from inclusion due to the fact that they obviously do not sing.)

You can also try discussing the hugely important issue of shopping cart returns, how a specific politician has been in office for thirty years but yet is somehow not to blame, or why your mother-in-law’s hair resembles the ‘before’ picture on a typical hairdresser’s wall.

“If you can’t afford to tip your server, don’t go out to eat.”

“If you can’t afford to pay your server a living wage that isn’t subject to variables outside the employee’s control, don’t open a business.”

I tip well. The trend to ask for a tip at a growing number of places makes me as reluctant as it does when I’m asked to put money in the collection plate after watching the pastor drive up in a brand new Cadillac or fly in on a helicopter.

Tipping is not the predominant custom in the world. But neither is minding your own business or voting like it’s the 21st century. Both of the latter would be immeasurable to our modern society, yet while both are praised, no one seems to be able to do either anymore.

Regarding tipping, it’s important to remember that the average American can only math at a basic level. Asking them to move a decimal point to calculate a tip is the equivalent of milking a cow and expecting string cheese to come out.

In regard to other engagement topics, don’t forget pineapple on pizza, how lazy people are paradoxically stealing our jobs, the weather, and taxes.

If you’re really going for the gut punch, also ridicule Steve, Randy, or anyone who uses an adjective as their nickname.

Saving the best for last: sex. It’s the thing everyone’s thinking about but no one wants to talk about unless they enjoy trips to HR, being put on a registry, or practicong the art of wall-talking with their partner.

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