Let’s face it – not everyone needs a gun. Or wants one. Especially that one friend we all know who one day is going to accidentally shoot his own elbow off while either cleaning his gun or doing the laundry. If you don’t have such a friend, then YOU are that person.
My company hired 23 focus groups, solicited the advice of 6 engineers and after ignoring every single thing they told us, I created the perfect home defense device using my imagination.
If you need to maintain the appearance of protection, buy the new, improved “Shoot-Me-Not” r̶i̶f̶l̶e̶, complete with stock and barrel – and nothing else. You can’t load it, because it is constructed of solid materials from front to back. (Legal notice: this device can be used as a club or bludgeon, if swung in an arcing motion against the noggin of the person who needs to be reminded who is boss.) (Grammar note: I don’t care what the proper verb form of any verb used in this product description is supposed to be – we are talking “guns” and defense, areas where logic and correctness never tread.)
The new, totally safe “Shoot-Me-Not” Rifle Barrel. Shoots zero rounds per minute. While sticking it out the window or surprising an intruder with it might or might not scare the miscreant to death, it will guarantee that you will not get shot with your own gun – or shoot someone you love in the head while they are getting up to go to the bathroom or drinking milk out of the carton. Finely crafted from whatever materials we have on hand, we will guarantee that it will at least be good enough to prop open a window on summer days.
If you are worried that someone is creeping around your azaleas, instead of blasting them to hell and high water, poke the patented “Scaredy-Pants” technology rifle barrel through the nearest door or window and yell, “Freeze,” or, if you are more humorous, yell “What’s the square root of 343?” (Most criminals tend to be more frightened of math or soap than guns.)
Plus, you can also pose with photos of this fine rifle barrel without running the risk of harming the neighbors, shooting off your other pinky toe, or getting on another pesky mailing list of that national organization dedicated to protecting all the gun rights you could possibly dream up.
This device is available in black, silver, rainbow, flashing neon, and black. Yes, we said ‘black’ twice, because we have a boatload of that color.
All parts for this device assembled in Iceland, using the latest Common Core standards.
This model retails for $12, shipping is $125.
If you buy two, please buy three.