T h o u g h t s

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I read an abridged book. I didn’t like it. Not because stuff was left out, but because cars kept honking at me for reading there.
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I am more than a label. I am two labels.
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A friend invited me over to do shots. He lost and I don’t know how to apply a tourniquet.
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The school fight song is the equivalent of that guy you have to invite to your social events.
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I’m not calling you lame, but you certainly are limping.
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Are you an “engine light on” kind of person?
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“It’s not the length of your life, but the width of your smile.” (A quote attributed to Marjay.)
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Helpful hint #7: Crayons should never be used to fill out an application. Or to draw helpful pictures in the margins.
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When interviewing, make eye contact, but not so much it looks like you are hypnotizing someone. Unless you are trying to get a job as a hypnotist – that’s the one exception.
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I think sometimes we should take a baggie with a sandwich in it to every restaurant. That way, if the service is slow or the food tastes like prison rations, we can look our waiter dead in the eye and say “Forget about it,” as we munch on what we brought.
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In any group of more than 3 people, if people are late, the group should always begin ordering and eating at the agreed time. There’s no sense enabling those who are usually late for social events.
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The friends who are angrily telling you all the ways you are living your life wrong on social media: those people should be called “Facebook priests.”
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The Handyman Creed: “Our guarantee: If you are not 100% satisfied with our work, get used to it.”
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PS: Do not use any business with ‘handyman’ in the name unless the guy who owns it is the guy who does it.
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Typical contractor motto: “No job is too small – because when we get our hands on something, it’s a big problem.”
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I was going to make a list of all the ways I need to improve my life, but I keep finding MENSA applications piled everywhere.
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Smoking is to good looks what a baseball hat is to presidential candidates.
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I’ve never watched a nature show wherein the footage of the pristine Montana wilderness is superimposed on a background of motorcycles.
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Seatbelt: required. Helmet: optional. Sounds smart to me.
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Johnson Police: We don’t have quotas, but could you please sign this form?
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Johnson Police: the antidote for good tourism marketing.
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Johnson Police: it says so right in our name.
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Johnson Police: The Barney Fife of NWA law enforcement. But without the sense of humor.
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Johnson Police: Be we CAN.
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