Ideas By The 1.8 Dozens…

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I should be brave enough to not use words like ‘intrepid.’
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If businesses want to encourage capitalism, they should charge us five cents each time we use a debit or credit card. And then every one millionth time, give someone the $50,000 that is accumulated – or to a tax-deductible charity of your choosing.
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If you are the type of person who thinks getting a flu shot gives you the flu, there is no punchline for this joke.
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“Carbox” is a much better name for “garage.”
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True fact: the average baseball games has only 18 minutes of actual action -about 17.89 minutes more than I’ve ever witnessed at one.
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I’m posting this status update with my new cellphone, the one I just picked up at the store. I wish the store security guard would stop chasing me through the parking lot.
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“No Results Found” would be a great band name. Don’t believe me? Google it.
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I had to cook black eyed peas for 9 people last week. I felt like Rocky Balboa preparing them but undoubtedly looked crazy punching the bowl so many times.
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This week, I cooked Black Eyed Peas. The screaming just wouldn’t stop.
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This quip is sponsored by Toyota, the company who brought you heated radio knobs. I mean really, really hot knobs, the kind that elicit screams when you touch them. You’re welcome.
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Eggs: Nature’s way of convincing you to eat snot.
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I started smoking yesterday. The couch did too. Then the curtains, followed by the entire house. My bad.
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I was so poor I couldn’t afford to stay at La Quinta Inn. I stayed at La Septima Inn instead.
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If you can’t spell “concealed,” even on social media, maybe a gun is the last thing you should have?
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Americans hate the Metric system, mainly because it is not cool. We should hire the musical group “The Proclaimers” to sing their #1 song “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” to encourage people to switch.
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The weirder the joke, the funnier you look in underwear.

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