I’m posting this picture I used of my holiday card, for those too scared to share their mailing address with me. I don’t blame you. I could have found you using property records, voter registration, or even Intelius, but in the celebration of this yuletide season, I abstained from excessive stalkery – and not just because of the restraining orders. (I’m talking to you, Brian, on that last part.)
I know many of you won’t send me a Christmas card this year, and that’s fine. I’ll be making my own on your behalf and secretly mailing my version of the card you should have had to select members of your family. (Let the fun begin!)
Coincidentally enough, if you are upset about not being included on my exclusive mailing list, remember to take note and mention it during your own Festivus celebration and the “Airing of Grievances” on the 23rd. Festivus doesn’t require observation on that day per se, but technically you don’t have to wear pants to church either, although things will deteriorate rapidly if you don’t.
If you partake of the “Feats of Strength” portion of the Festivus celebration, I recommend that you give each person at your house a micro-dose of valium, available cheaply on those questionable websites you claim to know nothing about. Your odds of triumph will increase mightily if you do so. If you do pin your opponents, go ahead and yank a handful of hair out as you stand in victory. (They gotta learn sometime not to challenge you. If you are wrestling an older person, pull their ear or nose hair out.)
Festivus in no way contradicts the celebration of Christmas or any other holiday. With Festivus, you can use the unadorned aluminum Festivus pole as a coat rack, or perhaps even as a weapon to hit your Uncle James or brother Mike with – because let’s face it, you know one of them is going to arrive half in the bag or start arguments with your in-laws.
By airing your grievances, you can appreciate your family and those you love with a renewed sense of holiday cheer. Also, if they really irritate you, you can challenge them to feats of strength. (This is known as a win-win.) Christmas is a time of love and celebration, but the family gets really antsy when people get thrown on top of the tree or through the front room window. With Festivus, it is almost expected. You can’t win “America’s Funniest Home Movies” without some breakage, so get in there with gusto and celebrate the hell out of Festivus.
(And as with any good complaint or fight, there is nothing like the sensation of sweet brotherhood or mutual love after a good argument. The make-up is worth the break-up, so to speak.)
For those displaying the proper attitude, you might even get to experience some “Festivus Miracles.” Christmas season has been known to work magic. Adding a tip of the hat toward Festivus to the usual mix can only sparkle your life with renewed magic and wonder. Lord knows we all need a little life glitter to brighten our days.
On a serious note, whether you celebrate Christmas, Festivus, or no holiday at all, I hope each of you has the chance to laugh and smile, even though many of us are secretly hurting during the holidays. The opportunity of the holiday is one of not forgetting those we’ve lost or the ghosts of holidays past, but to smile and make new memories with the people we hold dear. (Please go easy on the jokers of your tribe.) For most of us, we haven’t forgotten the complexity of life, just that each of us must continue to place one foot in front of the other, squeezing as much gusto from this life as we’ve been given the chance to get. Love, X
Sample Festivus Link For those 3 people who somehow will claim they have NO idea what the majesty of Festivus might be all about. Have pity on them.