Quips and Thoughts For This Morning

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Someone sneered and asked me, “X, do you think you are funny?” After a moment, I replied, “No, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to take a few notes about the way you are dressed to give me a better idea of ridiculous.” -X #oblivious

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“Many conservatives won’t object to Obama’s face on Mt. Rushmore, as it will finally be carved in white.” – X

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“Gomer Homer:” New term to describe when a racist white guy says something so patently prejudiced that he earns a free meal at the nearest Waffle Hut and an automatic bid to the Hick Hall of Flame.
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10 people shot and killed in Wisconsin. In a surprise twist, authorities now say they are looking for someone with a gun as the suspect.
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“Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished.” (Dan Gilbert) This is one of favorite reminders – avoiding that tendency toward certainty, especially where people are involved. It’s also a variation of another favorite sentiment of mine: “My opinions change with new information.”
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Forget “Cake By the Ocean,” I will take a Snickers Bar by the pond any day of the week.
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Why is syrup mainly limited to coughs and pancakes?
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I went to buy a Gregorian Chant CD and picked up the Gregarious Chant CD by mistake.
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I stopped stopped smoking. Doesn’t that sound better than “I started smoking again?”
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We need clever, less obvious ways to communicate to people that they aren’t pleasant to be around. Once a week, everyone in the office should vote. The person who has been the biggest pain in the ass the last few days should have to wear a Disney costume of our choosing for the entire day. ‪#‎disneyday‬
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If I were going to open a cubic zirconium store, it would be called Sham-Rock.
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I’ve wondered how much money I could make if I started selling autographed pictures of myself on Ebay.
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Lottery Reaction Rule: We will be glad that we are rich. But we will be happier that we can now look anyone dead in the eye and tell them they are behaving stupidly without fear of consequence.

Do me a favor, instead of imagining all the t-h-i-n-g-s you could buy with your lottery winnings, imagine all the cretins you can direct to the nearest lake for an impromptu bath. The boss who wouldn’t recognize logic if he were a roommate with Spock? Buy him a going-away present and ask him to do his part by going away. That sanctimonious guy in the next cubicle who thinks he talks directly to God? Buy him an Ouija board and some séance paraphernalia.

I think the fantasy of sudden wealth is the ability to be who you already are, able to stop pretending that the clowns deserve your time, to be as weird and literal as you would ever want to be.

The joke is on all of us, as we already have this magical power. We are just typically so fearful or risk-averse that we have convinced ourselves to swallow words, to avoid the footsteps that await us. I don’t need a mansion or sports car: I need the ability to hand out “Here’s your sign” placards like Xmas candy to the people are earning them.
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Sitting in the doctor’s office, I couldn’t help but notice a young affluent mother, trying to watch Fox News on the television while her energetic and inquisitive son ran from one interesting niche to the other. I’d guess he was around 8 years old.

A story filled the screen, conveying images of a youthful black man and the word “Arrested” emblazoned above his neckline with fierce graphics. The mother shook her head, clucked in disapproval and turned to her left, about to comment to another mother watching the TV as well.

“Stealing? There’s a shocker,” the first mother intoned, as if her words were stuffed with surprised wisdom.

The little boy scampered up to his mother’s knee and tapped her until she looked down at him.

“…But, mom,” he stuttered. “Didn’t we steal black people and bring them over here?”

I burst out in laughter, silently thanking Amy Schumer for the joke.
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