Wednesday or Bust

You should keep an iron in your car and near your desk at work. You can use it to remove wrinkles, make a Panini, or wrap the cord around your hand and go Chuck Norris on anyone who attacks you. Additional plus: if you are bored, you can hide it under your desk and when people ask you where it went, you can just shrug and tell them, “I don’t know, I must be low on iron.”
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“Thanks to the social controversy surrounding bathrooms, it is safe to say that we all have our minds in the toilet.”
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“There’s a lot happening in Springdale!” (Ad campaign.) Yes, and I’d appreciate it if you could take it down a notch. Some of us are trying to live one moment at a time in this consumer economy.
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I tried to book my bachelor’s party at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Evidently, they don’t have a keg deposit.
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I’d like just one superhero to resist the temptation to worry about a costume. If you’ve got superpowers, who cares if you can sew?
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If you take the time to count out 99 Problems, you definitely have at least one problem.
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I don’t know why, but I would be fascinated to watch Sarah Palin learn to speak Japanese. It just seems like the most entertaining idea in the world.
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I tried to put on a band-aid on a deep puncture last Thursday. I didn’t do it right. Technically, my effort itself was just a band-aid.
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I’m not saying my food took a long time to get the table at the new restaurant, just that it took long enough for me to establish voter residency in New Jersey by the time I ate.
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“You only fail if you don’t try.” Not true. You fail like a Bush presidency even when you work your butt off, sometimes. Success is another way to describe the process by which you arrive just one step past all your failures.
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If your boss has a terrible nickname that no one uses in his/her presence, it is a certainty that the nickname is accurate, in the same opposite way that no car salesman who calls himself “Honest” is.
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Instagrim: A new app to send pictures of accidents.
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Security experts tell you that you should change your passwords frequently. Prank experts tell you that you should change your bosses’ passwords frequently, too.
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Why do they call it Grilled Cheese? I mean, what kind of answers did they get from it in an interrogation?
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They always tell me to go out and enjoy the sunset. They never tell me to come inside and enjoy the waterfall in the toilet when it flushes. Both are the most human of experiences.
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Getting a truck is the equivalent of winning the favor lottery. Except your friends and family are the ones who win. “I bought a new truck,” he said, full of excitement. Flash forward 5 years, after he’s had to help 345 friends move, transport something, or haul wood as a ‘small favor.’
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The truth is that you will always be sniped by people don’t have a full deck. Instead of playing the poker hand they play, throw down an Uno card and act like you’ve won. If not, you’re gonna end up crazy, because those with lower wattage bulbs have an endless supply of Gump to replenish their supply.
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In business, the plural ‘we’ becomes both singular and second person at the first sign of blame.
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“You have to give credit where credit is due.” Nice cliché, but if it is credit, who pays the interest?
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Motivational business poster: No matter how difficult the task, the number of obstacles or how big the lack of funds, there is a manager willing to tell you to do it.
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An employee is someone who is often incapable of being trusted to decide how to do his own job, as judged by someone incapable of being able to do his own work.
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Self-driving cars will be really dangerous for those of us who have no sense of self.
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“How will action movies work in the future if all cars are self-driving?” Someone asked this the other day, being clever. I replied, “They will now literally be cars chasing instead of a car chase.”
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The studio wasn’t happy with my last script. They paid me to write a horror movie. The plot was all about algebra in our daily lives.
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In a recent meeting, my boss handed me a stack of printed excel spreadsheets and told me to figure them out. I handed them to the guy on the right, telling him to do it. He objected, asking why I thought he needed to do it. “Because in school, they always instructed you to Solve for X.”

 

2 thoughts on “Wednesday or Bust”

  1. Solve for Xbox! Too funny! Remember when they wanted a “Mr.” in front of the Xbox, because you only had a letter for your name?

    Like

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