Win One For the Quipper

high jump

I disguised one of my jokes in a picture of myself, having a Ted Cruz moment with my cat.

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The power of ‘no’ is too often tempered by the ‘maybe’ of not wanting to anger your friends or family.
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In an ongoing dislike of sports, I re-named jump rope to ‘jump nope.’
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“It’s only negativity when other people are saying it.”
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One of Richard Nixon’s actual campaign slogans was this: “They can’t lick our Dick.” Absolutely true historical observation – nothing dirty about it.
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“Don’t sweat the small stuff.” While this statement is great, it is equally true that it is passive-aggressive as hell, as it allows disengaged or unfamiliar people to judge the largely hidden issues you are experiencing.
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“I wouldn’t ask you to engage with the horse you rode in. Animal cruelty is where I draw the line. And who is to say the horse has no standards?” – Best opening line for a new comedy movie I have no interest in writing.
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“Focus on the positive.” Another great cliché. But sometimes, you must shout your irritation and/or disagreement when it isn’t convenient for bystanders, even if the pastor is just getting started.
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“It could be worse.” Yes, that’s true. And I will gleefully remind you of that when I’ve yanked off your yellow $70 scarf and asphyxiated you with it. It could definitely be worse – for you.
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When the boss says, “We’ll figure it out,” in case you haven’t noticed, this is management code for “I have no idea. Let’s wing it and see which side of the bread lands on the floor.”
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It was a sad day for Batman. But not for Gloveman, Baseman, or Flyballman.
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In a mad rush to get away from work and all the anguish he suffered there, he found himself standing in an open field, half-naked, laughing, and joyous. It took the police four tasers to get him handcuffed.
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This world is not the worst of all possible imaginable worlds. I know this because in this world, Adam Sandler at least makes fewer movies than he could.
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“Work hard and work will be its own reward.” Another quote from that guy. You know the one, the asshole.
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