Don’t Blink In the Lavatory



“I don’t like to be late,” the guy said with a slight edge of irritation in his voice.
“I don’t like to be later,” I quipped, as being cryptic was my goal for the day.


Each day the ice cream truck drives past my house, blaring horrific, cartoony music. Man, I don’t like Kanye West.


Why is a redneck spitting on the ground while having a conversation okay but if I urinate on your hat while we are ice skating someone is gonna get mad?


After watching one of the dumb efficiency experts talk, I tried flying out of bed in the morning instead of getting up slowly, but the propellers continue to get stuck in the covers.


Robin Schulz’ “Sugar”

To anyone who wants to hear Prince’s influence, I challenge you to listen to this song and imagine that Prince were singing it. Everything about it screams his presence. I’m the most tragically unhip white guy to ever live, but this song resonates. Plus, the police officer is a guy I’d love to have an Irish coffee with someday.


The following is the kind of crazy social media post I enjoy writing:

Have you guys ever wondered about the social discomfort vampires can cause? In some movies, vampires won’t bite people who use drugs. That could be very awkward: if you were on a job interview in the evening and a vampire kicks in the door and sees you, sitting opposite your prospective employer behind his desk. If he doesn’t bite you, you’ll never get the job, as your employer will know you’re using drugs. If he does bite you, you will also never get the job, either, because you are applying for day shift and the sun will cause scheduling problems for your boss. This is a very serious issue I’d like to see addressed in a vampire movie. Tomorrow we’ll discuss thermonuclear dissipation techniques but right now, we need this vampire issue settled. Thank you.





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