A List of Jokes I Wrote In Hot Springs

gdfgdfg.png

 

This is a huge list of humor I wrote while in Hot Springs. I filled at least 70 index cards with notes and recipes for disaster. As always, you have my word that you will laugh at least once if you digest the intended stupidity of these.

 

Question, Mark?

.

You know you’ve been reading too much crazy stuff when you decide to stop and put on lipstick, and especially when you don’t wear lipstick.

.

If you’re dead but behind the wheel, you are guilty of over-age drinking.

.

UNICORN

UNIBEAN

UNICABBAGE

.

How do you like those pants with straps? Over-all, I liked them.

.

I’m going to start a company and file bankruptcy the first day. It is a non-startup.

.

I’m going to start a portable office company and call it “Out of Office.” Not only will we never be able to get emails, but you can’t call our office phones either, because we are Out Of Office.

.

The only thing more annoying than an IT guy is 2 IT guys. There’s no joke here, just truth.

.

Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum Wi-Fi: Like regular wireless internet, except you have to climb a 100-ft. tower to use it.

.

Now I know why they told me a battered-then-boiled fish company would fail.

.

Why do we have to ‘beat the odds?’ Can’t we just slightly overcome them and avoid all the violence?

.

If t-ball is baseball for kids then T-ball should be the name for adult baseball.

.

Because my cousin’s wife wasn’t familiar with American food, she went to Vietnam to find MASH potatoes. (A joke for the old folks.)

.

“Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Can’t we use our modern science to find out exactly where this is by now?

.

Why is that “I’m going to mop the floor with you” is a threat but “I’m going to sweep the floor with you” is somehow humorous and stupid?

.

If I were Hillary, I would steal her own nickname and start calling myself “Crooked Hillary.” She could of course also start calling Trump “Baboon Ass,” too, but we gotta keep it classy.

.

Difficult analogy: I dreamed I was at a Trump rally, followed by one in which I attended a Mensa conference. Talk about an exclusive Venn Diagram!

.

“Stuck In The Middle With You” should be a name for a spin-off to the popular ABC comedy, except in this version, actual viewers will be in the show, trapped in a loop, just like on “Groundhog Day.”

.

Instead of drop-down menus, all my GUIs will “Surprise!” menus that randomly explode into view. (A joke to techs.)

.

I sometimes wish I had changed my name to “L,” so people could tell other people to go to “L” if they needed something.

.

If you have more than one vowel in your name, you are selfish. Somewhere, a kid named Kpdnm is really unhappy.

.

As a trick at the checkout line, I’m going to market a nonchewing gum.

.

“Lord of The Rungs” would be a long movie about a walk up a really long ladder.

.

“Gilligan’s Peninsula” would have been an equally great but short-lived show. As they say in real estate, location is important.

.

Pomposity, like its cousin obesity, is a real killer in the United States.

.

“They found him dead, floating in a lake of sterile water.”

.

I stole all the car alarms from the 11 neighbors around my house. I replaced them with beepers that beep when the alarm button is pressed. Six months later, no one has noticed – and not a single car has been stolen.

.

“The unexamined life is not worth living,” someone smart once said. To my stalkers, Socrates was referring to being contemplative, not in using a zoom lens or peering over my fence.

.

Each time my neighbor three doors down cleans his pool, I’ve went over at 3 a.m. and put at least 100 packets of lime Kool-Aid mix in there. I wonder if the kids who swim in the pool suddenly crave margaritas or carne asada.

.

“I don’t watch a lot of TV,” said the person who can’t be completely honest.

.

Every single one of us knows a person who we constantly wonder whether he or or she was dropped from the crib, but had parents who were too afraid to tell anyone.

.

“You’ve got a problem.” When I hear one person say it to another, I always think, “Yeah, he does – and it is you.”

.

I am going to do one of those white trash shows for TLC. My plan is to pretend to be backwater rednecks who have educational jobs. I’m calling it “Cleverly Hillbillies.”

.

One positive outcome about all nonsense about guns is that you get to see the inevitable result of people not paying attention in social science class.

.

I fell down the stairs. Yes, because you pushed me. Just because you shout “Gravity Check” before you do it doesn’t make it a science project.

.

ABC was going to do an ice skating show called “Philosophers On Ice,” but they spent too long thinking about it.

.

If you hate the movie and drive away, technically it is now a “Drive Out” Movie Theater.

.

The United States of America(n) Express.

.

Why is there “Texas toast,” but not “Texas French Toast?” Is that too much geography for breakfast?

.

Why are packages of tartar sauce marked as ‘creamy tartar sauce?’ Have you ever seen or desired ‘crunchy tartar sauce?’

.

For reasons all too obvious, I think it is only proper that all IT techs cook with Extra-Virgin olive oil.

.

I tried that new Medieval Diet thing. Those racks hurt way worse than you would think. It turns out I was in the wrong room. I did lose 12 pounds, though, although I am going to miss my left arm.

.

Just as I started down the Yellow Brick Road, the color-blind guy ran up behind me and screamed “It’s a Cook Book.” There is nothing better than a “Twilight Zone” and “Wizard of Oz” hybrid joke coming together like this.

.

If possession is 9/10s of the law, why aren’t people who need exorcisms all rich?

.

A few people have half-jokingly asked me, “X, can you make your stories shorter?” I reply, “Yes of course, if you will do me the reciprocal favor of doing the same with the second date on your tombstone.” I’m joking of course, but I am fascinated, watching them mentally work it out and ponder whether I’m being rude.

.

Having a week off from a job really reinforces the stupidity of how almost every facet of our economy functions. I don’t hate my job – just every single thing about it, other than the cool people I interact with. The rest of them should please lick the blades of a metal fan as soon as they can find one.

.

I’d like to be in charge of Career Day for 2nd Graders. Instead of calm, professional people, I’d invite the crazy ones, working the jobs that no one appreciates or would ever seek out. There would be no need to discuss further the value of a good education.

.

Instead of spending so much for speed trap enforcement, I say let’s combine pranks with getting the message across. Set up road signs indicating “Speed Enforcement Zone Ahead.” Then, about a mile up, have actors pretend to be both cop and caught speeder. Have the cop tase the crap out of the speeder as unsuspecting drivers pass by. On the side, have about 9 different people pretending to be tased and passed out nearby.

.

News at 9: “Local Man Shot 17 Times By Police.” If I ever get shot, it had better be an even number.

.

When someone tells me that they avidly believe in Astrology, I immediately wonder why evolution doesn’t immediately step in and drop a meteorite from the sky on their head. Of course, that would be confirmation bias to those witnesses who also believe in Astrology.

.

I hate to constantly sound like I’m picking on smokers. I only mean to do it for 94% of the time.

.

It’s a bad idea to hide your whiskey in a maple syrup bottle. If you don’t believe me, just ask my Aunt Jessie. She spent a week with me and my wife and surprised us with breakfast. I’ve never seen anyone doing dishes in the morning while drunk.

.

I wasn’t feeling quite right that day, so I drove to work entirely on Off Ramps.

.

I bought a Bible for my best friend who moved here from a foreign country – and tore out very specific pages. I want him to wonder if Jesus is still walking around, taking names.

.

Some say that “religion is an opiate for the masses.” That guy obviously never snorted very thin pieces of paper.

.

I kept entering the Yeti Giveaway contest. After a month, I called, expecting some b.s. response when I asked if the giveaway was today. “Not yeti,” they said, and hung up, laughing.

.

I don’t understand weather reports which always add ‘dangerous’ to the word ‘flooding’ in news reports. Doesn’t anyone remember Noah? Is there a such thing as a benign flood?

.

Prime rib. This is why people believe that cannibalism might still exist.

.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s