Questionable Ideas

“Anyone can grow up to be president” now has the opposite motivational meaning.



In a startling response to the age-old cliche, our nation will finally get an answer Jan 20th to the question, “What’s the worst that could happen?”




More important than the discovery of fire, evoking more majesty than elastic underwear: Tab. Until it arrived once again as a gift from Dawn, I thought I was immune to the allure and deliciousness of this beverage. It won’t cure shin warts, but it will let you forget that life is full of disappointments. Tab: because life is good.



Festivus 2016 went mostly well. Dawn took the ‘Airing of Grievances’ a little too far, though. I escaped with only one black eye, which is better than the torn rotator cuff she gave me last year. Dec 23rd is increasingly tough on me. We skipped ‘Feats of Strength’ and went directly to ‘Sitting on Couch.’


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Due to unforeseen circumstances, Dawn’s birthday celebration has been delayed until June. It’s true it was being held in an ultra-secret location anyway, away from the prying paparazzi. The truth is that she didn’t have the patience to wait on me to light 48 distinct birthday candles – and she’s also too nervous to allow me access to fire for such a prolonged period. (I used a flamethrower to light the candles in 2010 and I would still like to apologize to the fire department for getting them out on Xmas Eve that night – and how was I to know that the table cloth was flammable?) Additionally, this picture is of Dawn a few years ago; her smile was frozen, waiting on me to get that many candles lit simultaneously.


“Freedom” was on my mind when I changed my name decades ago. I wanted to burn down the person hidden beneath the name I once was, because I was never really that person. And George Michael changed his name, too, to become who he was supposed to be; an imperfect person with stupendous talent. This song of his, above all others, resonated for me.


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Mark, in the interest of helping your new FB page, I think this throwback picture from your cover-shoot would be much better as a profile picture. And not just because it literally is of your profile, but also because it shows your love of beer and your strength against the force of that brick wall. (Edit – and because of those shorts, which I presume you wore that day because you lost a bet. Happy new year!)





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