Don’t Read This, Either: A List

“Stop a problem early.” That is why I kidnapped that SOB driving the ice cream truck around the neighborhood blaring that horrible music. #AprilSurprise

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I knew my doctor didn’t really like me. When I told him I was having breathing problems, he prescribed me an exhaler.

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Possible causes of anger:
1) Perceptive awareness
2) Underwear two sizes too small

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It turns out that the addition of a “Caution: crate contains 1 vampire” sign adds just the right amount of confused double-takes and laughter to the day…

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“He was so dangerous that the judge set the bond just for his booking photo at 1 million dollars.” – opening line from my next true-crime novel.

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Blank stare. That’s all I got when I told my co-worker that Neil Diamond’s classic song “Sweet Caroline” was actually a homage to cannibalism.

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To calculate the area of a circle, just multiply the radius squared by pi. To calculate the incoherence of the current president, just look at the face of his full-time sign language interpreter – the one with occupational Tourette Syndrome and arthritic middle finger.

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For everyone who is taking the time to early vote for me in Washington County, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that you’re probably high.

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“…it was a place where one simply knew that family trees weren’t fully-branched…” -X

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Early this morning as I exited the auxiliary building, I heard high-pitched screaming and shouts of pain and anguish. False alarm. Someone was sitting in their car listening to a Luke Bryan song with the windows down.

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I ain’t saying the officer was racist, but he did have an ACLFU bumper sticker on his patrol car.

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This joke was written specifically to irritate a friend of mine: “I don’t mind that Chik-fil-A is closed on Sundays. I just wish they’d take a good idea and make it great by closing the other 6 days of the week, too.”

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I took a long walk this morning on strange roads, before the sun arrived. Later, I opted to walk again, even though it was apparently 150 degrees here.

To the drivers on St. Loius St., my apologies. As I walked up the long, slow incline heading toward downtown Batesville, a vengeful bug flew into my left nostril. Not content with being stuck there in my nasal cavern, it struggled and burrowed. I immediately convulsed like I had just attended a Cook-Your-Own-Skunk competition. I’m not sure how long I attempted to expel the insect invader.

But it did choose to exit through the back of my nose and from my mouth. The result looked like a madman’s spilled petri dish.

My nose feels like my ears do when I listen to Luke Bryan attempt a series of high notes without causing the neighborhood dogs to bark and howl.

Bugs: 1. X: 0

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I knew the movie was going to be crappy. The standard warning had been modified to say, “…this feature is intended for manure audiences only.”

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I don’t agree with torture. On the other hand, Luke Bryan provides a positive example where it works.

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My latest effort, “The Smell of Music,” didn’t go over as well as I had hoped.

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The classic oldies song “In The Still Of The Night,” it turns out, is not a homage to nocturnal alcohol production.

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The professor was at first confused by the complete lack of spaces In all of his student’s final papers – until he saw the headline: ” Local Area Hit By Blank Robber.”

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“Her name was Charles, which annoyed almost everyone.” – The first line of the next great American novel.
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It seems that the disgruntled man would have to continue to walk off-kilter and with pained gait for the rest of his life. The stick up his rear, it turns out, was a pre-existing condition.
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I’m handing out canned goods today. To random strangers.
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My friend Jeff invited me to go shooting. It’s not my fault that he didn’t ask me to wait until we exited his SUV. Sorry, Interstate 49 and specifically Exit 72.
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Our romantic evening evaporated when we discovered that our gondola was traversing a root canal.
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I was listening to a band sing 80s hits and became more and more uncomfortable and hot. Finally, it dawned on me. It was a cover band.
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Need a quick nickname for a co-worker who is incompetent and mean? Forrest Grump.
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“It’s always good to be prepared,” goes the cliche. Hansel and Gretel were prepared. Literally. By a cannibalistic witch. #Impreciseenglish
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I bought a new cabinet for my living room. It came with both a Secretary of Interior and Secretary of Defense.
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I sprayed for pests yesterday. The Purchasing Department took it personally.
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My apologies for the intense meteorological conditions.The high winds are in fact a result of my boss givng his Daily Status Report.
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My apologies for the intense meteorological conditions.The high winds are in fact a result of my boss givng his Daily Status Report.
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I started my new constipational martial arts class. It’s taught by Jean-Claude Van Bran.
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My new vegetable-based monetary system rolls out today: Bitcorn.
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Why isn’t a door prize called an “Enterprize”?
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Politics may concern me, but not nearly as much as the heart palpitations I experience when I hear a can of Pringles open in my presence or the rip of a newly-opened bag of Doritos.
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To save money, I built the new shelf in the living room with a karate saw.
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I ain’t saying my wife’s texts are long – but Penguin Books just sent her an unsolicited book advance bonus.
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My proposed budget at work was a masterpiece; it got nominated for the 2018 Fantasy Writer’s Award.
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Instead of asking “How old are you?” at liquor stores and cigarette shops, they should ask, “How old were you on August 15th, 2009?” It’s math, verification, and hilarity all rolled into one package.
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I went to turn myself in to the Springdale Police Department. They rejected me, telling me I needed to commit a crime first. I think they could have worded their advice a little better.
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In a new twist, the bank tellers now all wear masks and hoodies.
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