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I watched a soccer match yesterday. I thought it was a soccer match. It turned out to be a group of hipsters chasing an empty Walmart bag.

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I went to the convenience store and read the cashier’s mind. Or, I tried to. It was in Braille.

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I accidentally revealed how I really feel about my boss. He mentioned that he had to go home for a few minutes and I asked him what side of town he kept his crypt.

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I’ve been cleared of the doping allegations. In other news, I need to engage in a sport to be banned for doping – and recreational eating still isn’t on ESPN.

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The more someone says, “No one reads anymore,” the more certain I am that he or she is really saying, “I don’t read anymore.” – X

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Rarer than the North Carolina Unicorn: the Venn Diagram of Surprise Parties and Cardiac Rehab.

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The sign said “Act Now!” so I did my best William Shatner-as-Macbeth impression.

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Investment Tip: join me in buying stock in the new internet prosthetic eye company. Fill-In-The-Blink, Inc.

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I know a guy named Chip Mhoon. The ‘H’ in his name is always silent – unlike him, who never is.

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Reciprocity Observation: How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot-in-the-mouth?

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Sorry about the explosive mix-up at the fancy supermarket. It turns out the bagging clerk asked me, ” Paper or Plastique ? ”

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“Hunger Strike” sounds exactly like a version of bowling wherein the bowler who misses all the pins isn’t allowed to eat for at least 48 hours.

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“You know that age is winning the race when a youngster (anyone under 35) asks, “What’s your favorite summer jam?” and you reply with the name of any fruit.” – X

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Four hours later, I’m finished: I built an old pallet out of a coffee table.

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“Of violins, he spoke with eloquence, though his heart was tuned to a banjo of unknown origin.” – X

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I think it’s a strange spectacle how we go about our day, with a universe of ideas and stories in our heads. The oblique truth always finds a soft place to land.

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May your day be a multitude of happy moments…

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