Go Ahead And Roll Your Eyes Now

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My friend Jake moved to a new apartment. As part of his move, some of his friends bought him some kitchen pans and gadgets. I went over to visit him last week and we chose to make taco chili soup.

As I sorted the cans to open, I asked Jake where he put his can opener.

“Hey, it’s still in the unopened box by the kitchen window,” he shouted from the living room.

I immediately found the new box among the other kitchen utensils and opened it, removing a new electric opener box.

I put the first can of black beans under the spinner and pressed the activator to start it. The can turned but the machine didn’t cut into the metal rim at all. I pulled it out and tried again. Nothing. I picked up the can of corn and tried in vain to open it.

As Jake came around the pantry door into the kitchen, I told him, “Your can opener doesn’t work!”

Jake looked at me, then at the opened box from which the can opener had emerged and laughed.

“Duh. You mistakenly opened the box containing the can’t opener.”

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“I learned to drive in the snow by eating donuts in the parking lot” is an accurate description of how I do things.

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Being in a hospital during the frigid weather evokes memories of my favorite musical: “The Sound of Mucus.”

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As I exited the parking lot I accidentally stepped on a miniature Snickers bar. I got a small laugh out of it.

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Christmas gift idea for the math nerd who has it all: a paint-by-the-irrational-numbers paint set.

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I owe a social media favor to someone. This is my boss. It’s not photoshopped, which is both the weird and true part of the story. Just looking at this picture evokes an immediate urge to contact the FBI.

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My new indoor deer hunting range is off to an explosive start.

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Due to the blustery wind, I opted to walk on the treadmill earlier this morning. Not wishing to sacrifice the scenic advantages of being outside, I micro-dosed with LSD. An hour later – and I can’t get the skis out of the bathtub.

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Sepia memories…

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Christmas, 1970, 48 years ago. my wife and her sister lying to Santa about how good they’d been throughout the year.

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