No Bull

 

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If someone is being a jerk, just start calling them Monday without explanation.

I think this could totally become a ‘thing.’

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I got dragged to another budget meeting.

“I need ideas about why upper management didn’t take my proposed budget seriously,” my CFO said.

“First, you omitted the words ‘Once upon a time’ from the title,” I replied.

Bonus: no more budget meetings for me.

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The day started like a sauerkraut French kiss.

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Post-Truth Stipulation

Contrary to what teachers might say, the most impractical and useless command in today’s society is “Cite your sources!”

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A friend asked me if I was interested in going horseback riding. I replied, “No, but I might be interested in horsehead riding.” Did anybody ask the horse where he’d prefer I sit?

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For 20 minutes I mistakenly believed I was in a room full of deaf adults. It finally dawned on me that they were all politicians.

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How To Malign Three Careers In One Joke

My friend Jake started as a lawyer, a fact that confused many of his contemporaries.

For the last 5 years, he’s been a used car salesman.

I asked him why he transitioned from being a lawyer to selling used cars.

“Well, X, it’s like this. Being a lawyer was rock bottom and I had to do something to get off the bottom. At least I’m not a lawyer anymore.”

I was a little surprised. “Many people look down on used car salesmen though, Jake.”

“Yes, that’s true, but at least I didn’t become an insurance salesman!” Jake said with great enthusiasm.

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A noted co-worker and efficiency expert April Pennington: ” We’re Scrubbing Bubbles. We work hard so you don’t have to.”

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Each time I see a sappy, uplifting meme about positivity, I go outside and set fire to a magnolia tree. I do my part.

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I bought a book about the power of failing. I failed to read it.

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