I have a friend who plays fast and loose with the language when it suits her, but jumps at any opportunity to express her language superiority.
So, I waited for her to say something provocative, like “Hello.”
“It’s a nonstop flight,” she said, talking to someone else nearby.
“How do you get off the plane?” I asked, smirking.
“What do you mean? Like I always do!” She snarled back at me.
“Oh, the plane is still flying when you get off? How is that nonstop, then?”
“You know what I mean, X. Don’t be ridiculous. It flies from one destination to another.”
“You literally don’t see the irony in your comments, do you?” I asked. “Never mind, I have to go look for stray bullets – I think they’re lost. But I couldn’t care less.”
“DiGiorno!” I shouted my goodbye as I walked away.
Today, I learned another thing NOT to say to people.
I headed for the restroom. I opened the door and stepped inside. It’s designed for one person. The last user was still in there and had neglected to lock the door.
“Do you have a close personal relationship with Jesus?” I asked in a loud, strange voice.
He was both startled and confused, attempting to gauge what I meant by my question as I laughed, leaving the bathroom.
If the item you ordered fails to arrive, I suggest you send a picture of your empty front porch to customer service, letting them know that your box arrived in an unacceptable condition. They’ll reply, “Sir, we don’t see a box.” Reply: “I’m pretty sure that non-existent is an unacceptable condition.”
Have you heard ABC is making a revival of the 70s show about a singing family? It’s set in a Staples store and titled “The Cartridge Family.”
One of the cleverest things I’ve read in a long time: “Farts are food ghosts.”
It seems dumb that we haven’t thought of it before, like onion-flavored toothpaste.
If you need a phone number, the best thing we can do as a society to become better friends with each other is to dial a random number.
When someone picks up, we should introduce ourselves and ask them to look up the number for us. If they hang up, they’ll at least have a good story to tell their friends. If they look it up for us, we’ll have a minute to share small talk.
It will work like the “I’m feeling lucky” button on Google, with the chance of shouting.
Reach out and randomly touch someone today.*
*Celebrities accused of sexual misconduct are exempted, as are all
adult white males. And Adam Levine.
The mask people suffering from sleep apnea wear should immediately be renamed to “Sleep Snorkel.”
I was excited until I discovered that the corn maze was constructed with creamed corn.
Rejected comic book plotline: Catwoman has feline leukemia.
“Can I arrange an order of 500 axes?” is one of the best possible questions to ask Home Depot if you call them when you’re bored.
I find it hard to understand how I live in a world where Chris Brown can post positivity posts on social media.
The traffic policeman didn’t buy my argument about parking where I wasn’t supposed to.
I told him I should be given a non-speeding ticket, instead.
If I ever win a big lottery, I’m going to hang out by one of those prison signs indicating “Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers.” About a 1/4 mile down the road, I’m going to pay John Quiñones to stop drivers and tell them that if they had stopped to give me a ride, I would have given them a million dollars.
Speaking of lotteries, I should win. Unlike most people, I plan to reward people who’ve been advocates of mine and make many people’s lives better. If I win, so too do many others. If you don’t believe me, you should see the disgruntled look on my wife’s face as she reads this segment of the post.
“People are more likely to return a wallet if there’s a picture of a baby in it.”
That might be true, but it’s also true that a list of serial killers is probably just as effective.