Nonsense, Listed

 

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1:
I have a friend who plays fast and loose with the language when it suits her, but jumps at any opportunity to express her language superiority.

So, I waited for her to say something provocative, like “Hello.”

“It’s a nonstop flight,” she said, talking to someone else nearby.

“How do you get off the plane?” I asked, smirking.

“What do you mean? Like I always do!” She snarled back at me.

“Oh, the plane is still flying when you get off? How is that nonstop, then?”

“You know what I mean, X. Don’t be ridiculous. It flies from one destination to another.”

“You literally don’t see the irony in your comments, do you?” I asked. “Never mind, I have to go look for stray bullets – I think they’re lost. But I couldn’t care less.”

“DiGiorno!” I shouted my goodbye as I walked away.
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2:
Today, I learned another thing NOT to say to people.

I headed for the restroom. I opened the door and stepped inside. It’s designed for one person. The last user was still in there and had neglected to lock the door.

“Do you have a close personal relationship with Jesus?” I asked in a loud, strange voice.

He was both startled and confused, attempting to gauge what I meant by my question as I laughed, leaving the bathroom.
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3:
If the item you ordered fails to arrive, I suggest you send a picture of your empty front porch to customer service, letting them know that your box arrived in an unacceptable condition. They’ll reply, “Sir, we don’t see a box.” Reply: “I’m pretty sure that non-existent is an unacceptable condition.”
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4:
Have you heard ABC is making a revival of the 70s show about a singing family? It’s set in a Staples store and titled “The Cartridge Family.”
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5:
One of the cleverest things I’ve read in a long time: “Farts are food ghosts.”
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6:
It seems dumb that we haven’t thought of it before, like onion-flavored toothpaste.

If you need a phone number, the best thing we can do as a society to become better friends with each other is to dial a random number.

When someone picks up, we should introduce ourselves and ask them to look up the number for us. If they hang up, they’ll at least have a good story to tell their friends. If they look it up for us, we’ll have a minute to share small talk.

It will work like the “I’m feeling lucky” button on Google, with the chance of shouting.

Reach out and randomly touch someone today.*

*Celebrities accused of sexual misconduct are exempted, as are all
adult white males. And Adam Levine.
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7:
The mask people suffering from sleep apnea wear should immediately be renamed to “Sleep Snorkel.”
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8:
I was excited until I discovered that the corn maze was constructed with creamed corn.
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9:
Rejected comic book plotline: Catwoman has feline leukemia.
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10:
“Can I arrange an order of 500 axes?” is one of the best possible questions to ask Home Depot if you call them when you’re bored.
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11:
I find it hard to understand how I live in a world where Chris Brown can post positivity posts on social media.
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12:
Trump: *Redacted
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13:
The traffic policeman didn’t buy my argument about parking where I wasn’t supposed to.

I told him I should be given a non-speeding ticket, instead.
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14:
If I ever win a big lottery, I’m going to hang out by one of those prison signs indicating “Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers.” About a 1/4 mile down the road, I’m going to pay John Quiñones to stop drivers and tell them that if they had stopped to give me a ride, I would have given them a million dollars.
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15:
Speaking of lotteries, I should win. Unlike most people, I plan to reward people who’ve been advocates of mine and make many people’s lives better. If I win, so too do many others. If you don’t believe me, you should see the disgruntled look on my wife’s face as she reads this segment of the post.
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16:
“People are more likely to return a wallet if there’s a picture of a baby in it.”
That might be true, but it’s also true that a list of serial killers is probably just as effective.
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