The B List

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My neighbor’s dogwood kept me up all night. Its bark did, anyway.

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The Rule of Vocabulary And Insults

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The Questionable Enunciation Rule

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Weird Al just got a lot richer. Congress just voted to replace the national anthem with his hit song, “Dare To Be Stupid,” and for self-explanatory reasons.

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I bought a non-area rug for my sister-in-law’s new house. It violates the laws of physics and literally takes up no room at all.

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Get out there and live a Joe-Exotic kind of life, minus the murder-for-hire part of course – unless you’re surrounded by people who listen to Luke Bryan.

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Judith Priest, local librarian, couldn’t figure out why everyone assumed she had a lisp when introducing herself.

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Tired of using boring masks to protect yourself? Just in time for the upcoming Friday the 13th, from my new line of PPE… No one will get close enough to infect you.

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Meeting doodle: each time something vague or contradictory was stated, I drew an arrow. At least now I know where we’re headed?

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“It’s not fair that Buffalo Wild Wings doesn’t get a routine restaurant inspection,” my coworker complained as he read the inspection list online.

“No, it makes perfect sense,” I replied.

“Really? Why is that?”

“Because there is absolutely no evidence that Buffalo Wild Wings has ever served food – or anything actually edible.”

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Afternoon Update: Mr. Good, aka The Cat, aka Guino, smells what I’m cooking. My wife snapped this picture moments ago, one of Guino sitting at the bar, evidently awaiting an undetermined meal. I’m on the other side of the bar, attempting to catch a picture of him. His face is illuminated by a flash from my camera, rather than the aura of my angelic yet diabolical presence out of sight to the left in the kitchen. P.S. After a delicious morning meal of beans, we had air-fried pickles for supper. The cat has so far not registered any complaints.

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Mr. Good, aka The Cat, aka Guino, sits on a mountain of blankets, looking toward me in the kitchen. The house is filled with the aroma of onions, garlic, and beans cooking in the Instapot. The cat better hide now, anticipating the aftermath of my enjoyment of 5 servings of beans.

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Stolen messenger picture: What heinous act did this cat just commit? He’s awfully comfortable as he either expresses derision or hunger.

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Stolen quote of the week: “I knew they wouldn’t kill me, there’d be too many questions from outsiders.”

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“There is beauty in the breaking,” is one of the most beguiling and contradictory observations that I keep having. The teeth of it aren’t sharp, but certainly insistent as they gnaw.

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