Catch Up

It’s fascinating that an experience can be pale and yet the memory of it prevail. Time flavors all and not always to our benefit.

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Vacations, fabulous meals, and exotic experiences are truly splendid. However, 95% of your life is contained in the other. The surest way to be unhappy is to attempt to derive most of your happiness from the exceptional 5%. -x

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Grammar vs. BotanyI visited Eastern Madison County last month. Walking across one of the protected tracts of forest, I noted a huge grove of conifers. 90%+ of them grew almost horizontally, parallel to the ground. I turned to the guide. “What kind of coniferous trees grow horizontally like that?” I asked him. “Those? Those are supines.”

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What a weird end to my workday! Exiting work and entering the parking garage, I jumped into my car and noticed a huge crack in my windshield. I rolled down my window, leaned out, and told Darian to get the hell off my hood.

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Rule of Specificity: I’m not a real stickler for words; however, there are times it’s important to be specific. For example, if someone working on something for you calls on the radio or texts you, “I need a number 2 ASAP,” don’t be surprised when things go south quickly, and doubly so if the person requesting the item is near a window.

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“There’s always time for what fills your heart. And if not, what’s the point of this mad world?” – X

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If you describe a third person to someone by saying, “…he looks exactly like a disgruntled Russian collections agent,” and the other person knows immediately who you’re talking about, that’s a win.

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Because I deviated from my routine. I exited the car, hands full of masks, trash, chalk, and yes, my car key. Walking out of the parking garage, I absentmindedly threw all of it into the trash container, which of course was mostly full. Small car key included. Luckily it registered that I had done something forgetful and stupid. (This is not usually the case with me.)I pulled the entire bag out of the can and meticulously went through it, as coworkers drove by, wondering why I was foraging in the trash. Of course I could not find my key. And so, I pulled out the entire bag of trash and brought it inside work. I dumped the bag out and carefully sorted through what can only be described as extremely bad food choices for my coworkers. Time and heat had not improved the remains. Somehow, my small car key had managed to get inside a particularly nasty bag of leftover Taco Bell. Not that I’m a breakfast person, but I found myself mentally scratching off Taco Bell from my list of places to eat – possibly ever.

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Pithy quote for Monday…You’re going to run out of time. Die with memories. Not dreams. A fulfilled life in monochrome surpasses a fantasy in Kodachrome.

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Not my joke, but I love it: I got so fat that people couldn’t even lift me up in prayer.

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I am starting to take these new PPE requirements personally. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

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I have been going to counseling since March. I’m better, thanks. The bad news is that my counselor is now convinced she’s a picnic table.

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At 54, I never thought life would involve so much chalk dust. Also, why can a child carry a bucket of chalk and no one blinks an eye, but an adult with one stick of it looks like a terrorist. 🙂

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I guess I misunderstood what pride month is. Six lions in the breakroom caused a bit of a problem.

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Because he was in a bad mood, he hung a “Please Disturb” sign on the door.

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I think I will be fired for using suggestive language at work. I suggested that my boss take a practice high dive off the nearest cliff.

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I like a good burn when it’s creative:”X, why are you dressed like that?”Me: “Duh. We’re shooting a music video later this morning.” “Well, I can only assume you have the role of ‘A$$hole #1, given that you’ve got the part down solidly already.”I laughed.

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I misunderstood. I’m pretty sure it’s okay to hurl a ball at someone and scream, “Dodgeball!” Even at work, and even if you hit them on the nose.These are the rules of Dodgeball.

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There are two undercurrents of truth in life. One guides us on the surface of the superficial. The other, swirling and contradictory, gives us meaning. Rare among us are those where the two currents are indistinguishable. -x

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Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But you can bet your ass he had a terrible summer.

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One of the powerful secrets I learned through counseling… this one habit will change your life substantially, and probably forever: don’t be an asshole.

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One of the most astonishing things in life is this: if you really clench your jaw, you hear and feel a rumbling. There’s a physiological reason for this. The surprising thing is how few people know it happens, much in the same way that we forget that we actually ‘see’ our nose 100% of the time.

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Surely, somewhere, there MUST be a werewolf who suffers from male pattern baldness, right?

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I accompanied my friend Susan, who was ordered by the District Court to go to Kleptomaniac Group Therapy. We were going to have coffee, but all the cups were taken.

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Working in healthcare, I decided I would start cleaning myself with an autoclave instead of showering. I didn’t know my voice could go that high.

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My little car has a lot of new technology. Evidently I’m a worse driver than I imagined. My navigation app told me to pull over so it could get out.

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My latest round in the ongoing insult war: “You’re just a mirror away from self-awareness.”

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If a bat started coronavirus, imagine the consequences if someone eats a dingbat.

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“Love Is a Burning Thing.” Please consult your urologist.

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Y’all probably won’t understand how amusing it is to take a can of soda, put it in a paper bag, and sit somewhere in plain sight drinking from it. How long does it take for someone nosey to tell me I can’t drink in public?

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“It is true he was busy moving mountains; unfortunately, he failed to realize that he is his own summit.” – x

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I wonder how y’all do it, the normal people, that delicate and uncertain dance between the sunburst and the thunder. But then I remind myself to look into people’s eyes and behind the layer that we put on, thinking it shields us. I’m not sure this is a status update, but because I’m human, I can’t imagine that other people don’t wonder this sort of thing.

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In honor of today’s dubious Demolition Derby in Springdale, I plan on driving through all my neighbor’s yards at 8 a.m. According to the new rules, I get 12 points for each bird feeder I run over.

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If I say, “I am SO sore from last night’s twerking class,” the proper response isn’t laughter; rather, you should ask, “Oh? As teacher or student?”

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It’s a sign: I invested in myself and now I have buyer’s remorse.

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