The Fire

When I am feeling disconnected and don’t have enough physical intimacy, the effects permeate my life unexpectedly. Based on my experience, this is true for most people. Except for the outliers. The scarcity rule tells us that we focus on what we’re lacking. No matter how many other things we have or what’s good in life. If you’re hungry, it really doesn’t matter what kind of car you’re sitting in or if your couch is nice. Physical intimacy is free, makes us feel pleasure and connection, and is good for us in so many ways. It’s not a basic need like food. But it definitely sits on the hierarchy once your basic needs have been met. Physical intimacy does so much to reset my mind. It changes my focus and helps me to do the mundane things that fill a large part of my life. It keeps me from dwelling on the absurdity of so many other things. And when it’s missing? It starts as a nag in the back of my mind. And escalates to a general feeling of anxiety. It’s absence invites self-doubt and feelings of diminished self-worth. You start to question whether you’re valued. It’s not a question of time because we fill our days with all manner of distraction. It’s not a question of money because it’s free. And you can’t help but wonder, who doesn’t like pleasure? Who doesn’t want to feel the connection? In some ways it is like a drug because when it’s absent, sometimes it gets to the point that it invades your conscious thoughts and drives out everything else meaningful. I’m wired to focus on the other person. I know that my level of intensity is not always reasonable; but my mind can’t help but to want some form of reciprocity. To have someone who is invested in my happiness. It’s not alwaus about the frequency. But if you have an imbalance in your relationship, one of you is going to always be wanting more. And likely the person who is experiencing scarcity will spiral with guilt. It’s dangerous because it can become indifference. Apathy or learned responses to minimize your wants and needs are far greater foes than anger or irritation. It morphs into surrender. It’s about the enthusiasm and preoccupation with someone else’s wants and needs. Someone who knows you and anticipates what will make you feel happy, appreciated, wanted, and like you’re on an adult playground. It is both time set aside and spontaneity. Time set aside for physical intimacy is a clear sign that everyone understands its importance. Spontaneity demonstrates visceral interest and playfulness, both of which probably need to be present in abundance to be happy.

I see this playing out with many people. And there are an awful lot more who suffer with it but obviously don’t talk about it. It’s taboo, except for stand-up comedians and TikToks. It’s a cliché.

We are biological machines. Our intimacy drive is hardwired into us. It causes so much frustration when not developed. But when it is? It’s one of the most sublime things in the world. And everyone who experiences it knows it to be true. When you’re with someone you love and trust and you have that sort of mutual and reciprocal connection, it is impossible to be dissatisfied with life.

Love, X