Category Archives: Behavior

Wrong Way Hypocrisy

A meandering follow-up note… anyone reading my blog or listening to my story as I tell it can’t help but note that I’ve never shied away from admitting my hypocrisy.

Addicts have great insight regarding drug consequences. Even though they lost sight of their health, their finances, and their friendships.

People who have lost weight know a lot about the struggle of doing it and maintaining it. Even though they were on the wrong track for a long time.

People who’ve deviated from the right way to have a relationship can tell you the pitfalls from a mile away. Even though they suffered or caused despair.

It doesn’t matter how you got to where you are. What matters are the lessons and strategies you’ve learned the hard way and the tools you’ve acquired.

You get your insights from wherever you find them. There are times when words of wisdom fall from the lips of someone who almost killed themselves with drugs. From the writings of someone who went to prison for losing their way, whether it was a one-time act or a series of crimes.

I used to be carefree, but I also tended to judge people like my sister, who was plagued with addiction. I judged my dad for being violent and an alcoholic. My brother, whose anger and addiction killed him prematurely. But over time, I grew to appreciate them, in part because I became grateful and glad that I had so far managed to be the opposite of their struggles. I was lucky, and I know that. Recognizing that you could easily have become a reflection of their demons humbles you.

If you’re reading my blog or listening to me on other platforms, it is vital that you understand that I’m not writing from a void of experience.

I HAVE done things the wrong way.

It’s up to you to decide whether this truth negates the content of what I’m writing and sharing.

I’ll give you a decent example:

Years ago, I was married. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a great marriage. She died suddenly, leaving me with only hard lessons. Had she not died, I have no doubt that we’d still be living a good life. That’s not how life works, though. You make the best of what you find on your plate.

Sometimes, the best you make of it is a complete and absolute mess. Again, if you haven’t caught the theme yet, I am as guilty and hypocritical as anyone you’ll meet.

When I was remarried, I tried communicating directly. I opened my heart and shared a few things that bothered me. Up to that point, I had hoped that things would change course. People who don’t care don’t even make the attempt. We’d gotten off course. I got off course. After that talk, a wall of anger met me. Not that I blame my partner. People aren’t ready until they are. I hadn’t engaged in any behavior across the line, despite what my partner insists is true. When the anger blossomed, it broke me. She had other issues that affected our ability to share. Months later, I truly had a moment where my life crystalized into this massive “I have to change!” moment. And I did. I lost so much weight that I am still certain it saved my life. I stopped holding grudges, I stopped biting my nails, and I wrote a lot more. I became way more open as a person. This sounds contradictory, given how the next few months of my life worked out. I reached out and found someone to listen to me, who seemed genuinely interested in me, the things I wrote, and the things I thought about. That person was already in my life. Before that, there were no across-the-line shared moments, no intimacy to threaten my marriage. It wasn’t the right thing to do while I was married. There’s no getting around that. I should have ended the marriage or found a way to fix it or let it take me down. But that is not how this world works. When you’re in the middle of it, logic and reason fall by the wayside. My partner will insist that I was inappropriate before, which isn’t true. I can’t change her narrative, and I gave up trying. That’s how it works: people find a narrative to suit their self-image. I look back now and realize that my initial attempt to get on the right track was doomed when I opened my mouth. And not just because my foot fit so well inside it.

The things that happened afterward became conflated and conjoined. Because when someone throws you a lifeline of hope and acceptance, it’s one of the most powerful things in the world. Enthusiasm and interest are amazing for one’s self-confidence; if a hint of love gets added to the equation, it is almost unstoppable.

Love conquers. It also blinds.

In this new life, I’ve seen behind the curtains of so many people’s lives and have found a commonality. People tend to continue the habits that led them to where they are. They can be hypocritical, judgmental, angry, and living in a way that will never give them lasting happiness. Respite maybe, sometimes for long intervals.

I can’t change the past.

But no one can take away my ability to learn from it. Or not, that is true.

I don’t merely stumble: I hurl myself into mayhem.

I was so happy to discover that I’m still an optimist. To know that things can be better if I apply what I know to be true. To know that if I stop being my own worst enemy, I’ll end up on the finish line satisfied. The finish line got thrust upon me when I had emergency surgery. For some reason, I got another chance.

Take your snippets of insight where you can find them.

Even if they are from me, a man who has seen both sides of the fence on many levels.

It’s okay to judge me if that’s what is necessary. I can’t change anyone’s opinion about me or much in this world if they aren’t open to it.

One of my biggest “mistakes” was part of the process that saved my life and made me be me again.

This life is a huge circle and cycle of everyone getting their turn in the barrel. Remember that when the urge to judge floods you.

For me, I hate it when I forget the lessons I learned when my wife died. Even when you do everything right, you can still fail – or life intervenes. Why not do the best you can now and be open to ideas, information, and the willingness to change if you need to? Time is running out.

Love, X

.

…flirting…

I started doing a few of these for TikTok. And I was extremely surprised by how many people watched a couple of them. Everyone of course has a deep interest in having a deep and loving relationship with their partner. It’s not hard to see that most of us have difficulty. I’m no different. I know damn well most of the time the kind of behavior I crave from my partner. The Golden Rule covers just about every aspect of behavior in a relationship. Behave and be the person that you want.

I was reluctant to write about flirting because it’s almost undefinable. So much of the interpretation depends on the person doing it. But observers can’t read motivation or intentions.

One of the commenters on TikTok wanted me to give it a shot.

Flirting is truly harmless in most contexts.

It boils down to the context and the people involved. I found that many people in relationships are uncomfortable with the way their partners interact. It’s easy to gaslight yourself when you have an uncomfortable reaction. That’s normal. This sort of thing relies so much on instinct, experience, and knowing your partner.

Love, X

The Ball Reminder

If your partner tells you something vulnerable, your job is to imagine they threw you a ball.

Reach out and catch it.

Talk about the ball.

Not your reaction to it.

This is a valuable skill, one that goes against most people’s ability to squash their defensive reaction.

It takes practice.

It is a skill worth cultivating in a loving relationship.

X
.