After work, I was standing two feet away from the trail spur. An older white guy on a bicycle started screaming. “On your f left!”

Actual screaming.

I waved and smiled out of habit.

It’s important that you realize I wasn’t on that side of the trail spur. I was standing on the outside. Which means I was on his right, in case you’re related to this guy and are accustomed to hearing upside-down world stupidity.

He stopped his bicycle. “Didn’t you hear me? Get the f*** out of the way!” He was a lot closer to me than he intended. I could have pushed him and toppled him over like a bad glass of chardonnay. leaving him entangled in his expensive bike.

I looked down at my feet, seeing that they were clearly in the grass and two feet away from the pavement.

Fire blossomed in my brain. “What the f*** are you cursing at me for? I’m not in your way or even on the trail spur.”

“When I tell you to move, get your ass out of my way.” He was angry. Like someone had stolen the bra he kept hidden under his bed.

“Sir, I suggest you depart with as much haste as you can muster. Because if you come closer to me or scream again, I’m going to tie your legs around your bicycle like a pretzel.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“No. I’m offering you the opportunity to become involuntarily limber. Now piss off.”

He called me a particularly interesting name as he started pedaling away. Because the crosswalk is 13 ft from the turn, the bicyclist did not have the right of way across the very busy road where people fly constantly.

He was so angry that he started across without looking in either direction. He was too busy screaming at me with his head turned.

Time slowed to molasses. The car coming down the hill screeched to a halt. If you guessed that the man spent several seconds shaking his fist at the driver and cursing her, you would be right.

As the guy on the bike pedaled the rest of the way across the street, the driver hit the horn and held it. The bicyclist jerked in surprise and once again stopped and recited a long list of curse words at the driver.

When he looked across to see that I was laughing, I expected literal fire to burst out of his head.

“F*** you!” he said.

“Thanks,” I said, giving him the thumbs up.

The driver shook her head and continued on.
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