A Post List of Goofiness

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Does this cartoony picture make my face look fat? If so, all I can say is that pork rinds do have side effects.
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Football, on so many levels, would be better if the ball was switched with a can of Hunt’s tomatoes.
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Instead of “hijacking” something, I think we should all start “hijinks” with things. No more hijacking your beliefs- we’re gonna hijinks the crap out of it.
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There must be a reason you never see a motivational sports movie speech done entirely in helium-voice.
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“It’s ‘cause you don’t have any pizzazz imagination, honey.” – Something I recently told my wife.
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I like this time of year, mainly because I get to wrap things. PS, though, I need some more body-sized rugs.
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If someone ever runs up frantically and screams “What is the date?” I am going to tell them it is Tuesday, May 29th, 1934. You know, just in case he or she is about to do some serious time-travel craziness.
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If I change my name to “Intended Recipient,” I can then literally receive all the mail.
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I’m convinced that “Fart Bubbles” would be the ideal name for a romantic song parody. And I am certain that some bubble bath company would pay me millions to use it.
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Honestly, because the name says exactly what the character is all about, I think “Sh*tStorm” would be the perfect name for a Marvel comic book.
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All political ads year-round should be in Klingon. What a great way to learn Klingon. It already sounds like angry craziness. Let’s put it to use.
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Why couldn’t the pyromaniac search Google? Because “no matches found.”
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We really need spray-on shirts. There’s no joke in this – we really need spray-on shirts.
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I think we could all have more fun driving if we replaced all car steering wheels with boat wheels. Really big ones.
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Wouldn’t it be cool if the DMV started using Polaroid cameras again? And, as people got new licenses, they put your picture on the wall where everyone sits to wait like zombies. Imagine the conversations.
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Serious tip: all Xmas presents should have the person’s picture on it, rather than their name. It’s more fun and personal and most importantly, small children can do present-passing-out duty by using the pictures on the package.
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Although it costs more, another fun thing to buy are postage stamps with real pictures of your choosing on them. You do can do serious ones with your actual picture, or prank the postal service by putting inappropriate pictures on them, such as one of the Unabomber.
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I was the first person to say that Arkansas Razorback’s football coach should be nicknamed “BaconMouth.”

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This is a huge hook hanging above unsuspecting folks’ heads in Hot Springs. I call it the “Final Destination” hook. Is it wrong for me to say that I wanted it to fall, but not hurt anyone, so I could jump and say “A-ha, I knew it!”

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We bought a used grandmother to take up some empty space in our house. The salesman told me she really was an antique.

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False, gossipy reports aside, Dawn hasn’t shot me AND she sometimes reports being happy enough to smile in my general direction.

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I was so hoping this shot from my house was going to be the prelude to a real-life re-enactment of Stephen King’s “The Mist.” But nothing happened.

 

 

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