A Festivus Pole For the Rest of Us

I splurged and got Dawn one of the best possible holiday gifts possible: a Festivus pole from Wagner steel.

As all of you know, Festivus is right around the corner, normally celebrated on Dec 23rd. Dawn’s birthday is the following day on the 24th. Dawn spends a few minutes a day compiling her “Airing of Grievances.” I fear it might rival the reading of “War & Peace” and that I might be the central thesis of same. (She did ask me what the difference between ‘stun’ and ‘disable’ on her taser was.)

When I assembled this delicious celebration of all-things-yuletide, the cat became so overwhelmed that he fainted at the base of the pole. Dawn’s smile was so large that I feared her features would permanently freeze in that position.

Where our house was before a structure absent the spark of joyous living, we were now bathing in the unbeatable combination of both Xmas tree and Festivus pole.



The cat’s actual words prior to fainting: “O, Festivus!” and then he fell, where he lay for 17 minutes. The only way to revive him was by opening a can of Vittles in the kitchen and waving the open can in front of his tiny nostrils.


Experts caution against the proximity of Festivus poles near Xmas trees. That’s just too much holiday spirit.


You’ll note of course that the base is a simple “X,” denoting great sensibility and stability. The directions were in Navajo and Elvish. Wait, no, they were upside down. Never mind.




I drive around, looking at those poor souls without their own Festivus poles to light their lives. I spent hours searching for people who couldn’t afford their own Festivus poles. Festivus Pole Farms are a rare sight in these parts.


If you want your own high-quality Festivus pole: ORDER HERE


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