Wednesday Amused

If I hear “May the fourth be with you” one more time, I won’t hate it because it wasn’t clever. I’ll hate it because that joke is so stale it smells like a fart stored in an old mayonnaise jar left out in the summer sun for 16 years. Besides, we get it: you enjoy Star Wars, much in the same way as I enjoy not smelling old farty mayonnaise jars.

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Misheard but exceptional quote: “When it rains it whores.”

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“I don’t post pictures on Facebook because I don’t like the way I look.” Using that logic, my only question is, “How comfortable are you only coming out at night?”

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“Money can’t buy happiness.” Hmmm… I’m pretty happy when I don’t have to see my boss’ nostril hairs for two days.  Imagine the ecstasy I’d feel after a month.

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The new-hire asked, “What’s the philosophy of this business, how do they operate?” His appointed mentor looked at him for several seconds and replied, “Resistance is futile.”

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New phrase to describe donated items: “The best things that money didn’t buy.”

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Let’s be honest: the best thing to punish most DWI offenders with is a court-mandated poetry interpretation course. They will be so angry they will never drink and drive again.

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Some people can’t help but overkill everything. For example, some people aren’t happy with falling off a cliff – they feel they must jump.

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Some studies suggest that medical mistakes may actually be the true #2 cause of death in the U.S.A. There’s no joke here – that is true.

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The biggest study yet done on spanking, spanning 50 years and 160,000+ children, has again determined that spanking might yield short-term changes in behavior, but result in long-term negative consequences. I know that people everywhere are going to shake their heads in disagreement, because if there is one thing we know, it is that anecdotal confusion of evidence is the modern-day camouflage of logic.

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I hope one day we discover that dogs have languages, too. Not that they all speak the same language, but that each one has his own, with none being capable of understanding the others. It will explain a lot about the Republicans to me.

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Isn’t it strange that connections to real people do more to restore customer service than almost any other metric, yet businesses still feel compelled to treat labor costs and human presence as a burdensome cost to be avoided?

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Here’s the deal: if you give me a place to live, food to eat, transportation, and medical care, I think the minimum wage would be just about right. #stupidcomparisons

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If we started calling perfumes ‘odorants,’ which they are, I would hope that sales will fall. Only 1 in 7 perfumes smell anything like the term ‘pleasant.’

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Just once I’d like to watch one of those nature documentaries and see a group of cows in a field – and then one of the cows farting, followed by a snicker from another cow in the group. It’s all about small goals.

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If you get pulled over and are asked to walk “a straight line,” first remember that lines are theoretical constructs that don’t exist in reality – and they are infinite. So, the answer is always “No.” And you should never lie to a police officer.

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