Looking For Something?

If you don’t want an appetizer, you should always order a non-starter.

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After carefully observing these Anointed States of America over the last few days, it’s my opinion that the porous border isn’t the problem. It’s our porous brains, capable of so much, yet mired in the lesser.

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Terminix will no longer talk to me. I called asking for help with a major pest infestation that needed immediate attention. “Address?” they asked me. “The White House, and make it pronto.”

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I think I ate too much. As I got up to leave, the hostess looked at my stomach and then handed me a bottle of prenatal vitamins.

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I wouldn’t say they were mad but they were steamed vegetables.

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Jason’s obituary: “Killed By Bears” was the tragic and violent headline.

That’s a LOT of gummy bears.

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Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum Wi-Fi: Like regular wireless internet, except you have to climb a 100-ft. tower to use it.

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He said, “I stopped eating red meat, smoking, and drinking.”

To which I replied, “Yeah but it is the fact that you are an ass that is the problem.”

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I am going to do one of those white trash shows for TLC. My plan is to pretend to be backwater rednecks who have educational jobs. I’m calling it “Cleverly Hillbillies.” -X
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I wasn’t feeling quite right that day, so I drove to work entirely on Off Ramps.

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If you have more than one vowel in your name, you are selfish. Somewhere, a kid named Kpdnm is really unhappy.

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Why is there “Texas toast,” but not “Texas French Toast?” Is that too much geography for breakfast?

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“I don’t want to be shielded from my own stupidity. And I doubt that anyone makes a shield that large, anyway.” – X

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A realtor friend of mine invited me to a “Parade of Homes.” Worst band and floats I’ve ever seen.

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People with concealed carry permits concern me because it’s like they’re hiding something.

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I warmly embraced Friday, a sign that commerce is still a victor in this battle.

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