List

 

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I made this just to amuse myself…

 

 

These new Gatorade flavors are crazy. I wondered why Agua de Calzon tasted so weird.

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Because I was in an unusual area, I used a different phone to call someone at work. I usually try to prank the person I call and this time I used a bizarre Chinese accent. Unfortunately, someone else answered the phone so I had to persist with the crazy accent until I burst out laughing. Lucky for me, he decided it was hilarious.

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My idea of creating a museum for the most famous arsonists was rejected by the Library of Congress. I was going to call it the “Hall of Flame.”

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The last time I entered a Tractor Supply store, one of the employees yelled, “Just NO!” and ran me out. I guess it didn’t help that I was wearing a rainbow-colored Carhartt jacket.

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*In deference to the new bicycle rules allowing non-stops, the legislature recently decided that as long as you yell “Speed Bump!” when you hit a pedestrian, you will not be charged with a crime.

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Because of the professional shots I mentioned last week, my agent called and told me I got a small part in the upcoming sequel “The Fat And Furious.”

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My inquisitive cat Güino recently ate about 50% of my craft supplies. Now he goes to the bathroom in a glitterbox.

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I’m just letting everyone know that I’m going to start sneaking up on people and throwing pies at them. I’ll probably scream, “Pie Felicia!” too.

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I’m going to see if I can infiltrate another high school reunion page from the 80s using the name Steff Leopard.

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I got arrested on Suspicion of Felonious Activity. I put 64 psi in all the tires of the police vehicles parked on Spring Street. The charges are inflated.

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It’s not my joke, but the guy who said, “Mashed potatoes should be called Irish Guacamole” is a genius.

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My wife berated me for spending $750 for the photographer and headshots. A talent agency just hired me for my first job. I don’t know what they mean by playing the role of “Before,” but I’m excited.

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Since it was deleted off a post:
“I’m interested in Phil’s opinion on this.” – from the book, “Said No One Ever.”

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In a conciliatory effort of dubious friendship, I offered him the opportunity to travel to anywhere in the world, one way.

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I wish Vegas would give odds on more realistic possibilities.

For example, what are the odds on me saying, “That’s some bullsh%t right there,” before 7 a.m.?

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*True story….

I brought Dawn for a colonoscopy. At our age, it’s the equivalent of a night out.

We arrived early, of course.

“I wonder if they’re running behind? Dawn asked.

“No, I think they’re running behinds.”

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“Sir, you can’t bomb Ohio,” the General said.

“Okay, we’ll bomb Arkansas,” the President replied.

The General replied, “Haven’t the residents of Arkansas suffered enough?”

“Evidently not, General, or they wouldn’t still be there,” the President insisted.

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*In deference to the new bicycle rules allowing non-stops, the legislature recently decided that as long as you yell “Speed Bump!” when you hit a pedestrian, you will not be charged with a crime.

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Because of the professional shots I mentioned last week, my agent called and told me I got a small part in the upcoming sequel “The Fat And Furious.”

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My inquisitive cat Güino recently ate about 50% of my craft supplies. Now he goes to the bathroom in a glitterbox.

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Dawn and I both had eye appointments today at Arkansas Eye Care.

We walked in and the optometrist Dr. Bell looked at Dawn and said, “You’re definitely.going to fail your eye exam.”

Surprised, Dawn said, “Wow, how can you tell? Are my glasses that thick?”

The optometrist shook his head ‘no,’ and simply turned and pointed at me.

I don’t know where he got the mic but he dropped it and walked away laughing.

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Falling down is the one skill which requires no refresher course. – Old Age Wisdom

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I took a day off at my job designing calendars.

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My supervisor walked up unannounced.

“What are you doing?” he asked, in a demanding sort of way.

“Finishing my voodoo doll.”

“That doll bears a resemblance to me,” he said.

“Yeah, thanks. I’ve been working hard on getting it just right.”

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The doctor told me I have a strange addiction to brake fluid, despite the health risks of ingestion. He’s a nut. I can stop anytime.

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“The ditch is never deep enough for the man not holding the shovel.”

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“A lot more Narnia and a little less statehouse.”

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My managers weren’t amused when I sent in a recommendation letter to “World Traveler” magazine, requesting that the cafeteria where I work be added to its “Near-Death Experience” list.

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“Only a drunk person would offer to proofread your writing, X.”

“In that case, I’ll hire a 90-proofreader,” I replied.

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The more time I spent online, the more often I had to use the restroom. I have fiber internet.

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I kept wondering why all the websites were so negative. It turns out that I accidentally connected to an infernal network.

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