My wife me gave me permission to relocate to D.C. to pursue my dream of music. My new band name: HarMonica Lewinsky.

.

.

“Die Hard” one too many times: I can’t see a length of hanging chain without calculating whether it would hold a pendulous swinging body, as when national hero John McClane finally gives Karl a lethal dose of oppositional gravity.

.

.

For those of you suffering from a lack of whimsy, a guaranteed eye-roll from me to you…

.

Opening for autobiography: “….my father relished violence to such a degree that he insisted that the cook inspect each pea to ensure that it was indeed black-eyed.”

.

.

.

.

.

Word(s) Of the Day, Sponsored by “Presidential Ignorance: A Study.”

.

Another great quote from “Catch-22.” The unassailable logic of this still is at play today.

.

.

You’ve all seen those personality tests? My answers are much more honest than yours.

Person you were named after? Technically, I was named after everyone, since they were all born before me.

Why did you change your name? Because I couldn’t change my parents.

Favorite holiday? Billie, even though I’m not a huge fan of the blues.

First thing you notice about a person? Whether they are on fire or not.

Do you still have tonsils? Yes, John’s, in a jar at my bedside. #silenceofthelambs

Night owl or morning person? Night owl, because they are easier to cook – and fit in the leftover bowl.

Would you bungee jump? Yes, as long as they promise to tie at least one end of the rope to the bridge the next time I try it. #loudscreaming

Do you smoke after sex? I don’t know, I’ve never looked. (An oldie but a goodie. 🙂 )

Jason Rapert or hemorrhoid? This is a trick question as they are the same thing.

Bath or shower person? I prefer a shower, but whatever you’re comfortable with is fine by me. #letsbefriends

Do you feel blue very often? No, I usually trust my eyes.

Do you like being the center of attention? I prefer to call it the epicenter of attention.

Do you follow the rules? It depends on where they are going.

Do you prefer wild flights of fancy? Business class only.

Do you use flattery to get ahead? No, concealed carry usually covers all the bases.

What’s your favorite contradictory thing? Early morning sunsets.

Cats or dogs? I prefer cat hair in my food.

What thing about you would surprise people the most? That they read what I write all the time without ever realizing it came from me.

.

.

“He was so insanely competitive that he refused to even leave his own shoes tied.”

.

.

When Mattel, Inc. contacted me to seek permission to base a new doll on me, I was excited – until discovering I was to be 1st in their new line of Inaction Figures.

.

.

.

.

.

The only difference between a jawbreaker and an aquarium rock is one of enthusiasm while chewing.

.

.

At what exact point in his life did the snowman actually become abominable?

.

.

.

The gurus tell us to avoid hate letters. Which is why I’m about to launch a new line of “Screw You” postcards, for those occasions you don’t hate someone but wish to send them a quick note to let them know that you can’t wait to start missing them.

.

.

“I am not a fan of gratuitous violence,” he sagely intoned. “Me neither, but everyone thinks their violence is necessary.”

.

.

.

.

I follow my own advice; I write several thousand words a week. I don’t expect people to clamor in appreciation or even agreement. If we would all take a moment to express and create, we might do so imperfectly – and we might alienate some folks. But in so doing, if you do so honestly and without a sharpened arrow, you are opening your door for them to know you and understand you. If they choose to dislike or distrust that person at the door, you have done both yourself and the other person a favor. So many people obsess over the opinion of the anonymous, sometimes forgetting that people are often to assume the absolute worst or wrong thing about you without any basis whatsoever. If you don’t like celery, don’t pretend you do; and if you hate that we can fund war, which is almost unsolvable, but rarely hunger, which is, then say so – comfort is for each person to find in his or her own way.

.

.

With practiced scorn they look upon the less fortunate, convinced their steps and choices were made and placed upon some invisible red carpet: this gigantic sphere, separated by imagined lines of supremacy.

.

.