The truth is you may never know who hears or sees your words, music, or life, nor what lessons are derived.

Many voices have withered through the inattention that life’s unending demands heap upon us.

What is done without perfected reflection is at times the best fruit to be consumed, just as the best smile is one born from unstudied happiness: life blossoms where it will.

Let us not forget to appreciate talent where we find it.

(I borrowed a friend-of-a-friend’s video and used the music, as I’m not sure the person singing and playing appreciates the sheer talent or practice reflected in her efforts. I ask forgiveness for hearing something ethereal and celestial in the music.)

The above video is a song I slightly modified from a friend’s twitter feed. He’s playing the piano. When I heard it, lyrics seemed to jump out and hit me in the face. Luckily, he seemed to like my interpretation of his work.

If I hear “May the fourth be with you” one more time, I won’t hate it because it wasn’t clever. I’ll hate it because that joke is so stale it smells like a fart stored in an old mayonnaise jar left out in the summer sun for 16 years. Besides, we get it: you enjoy Star Wars, much in the same way as I enjoy not smelling old farty mayonnaise jars.

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Misheard but exceptional quote: “When it rains it whores.”

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“I don’t post pictures on Facebook because I don’t like the way I look.” Using that logic, my only question is, “How comfortable are you only coming out at night?”

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“Money can’t buy happiness.” Hmmm… I’m pretty happy when I don’t have to see my boss’ nostril hairs for two days.  Imagine the ecstasy I’d feel after a month.

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The new-hire asked, “What’s the philosophy of this business, how do they operate?” His appointed mentor looked at him for several seconds and replied, “Resistance is futile.”

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New phrase to describe donated items: “The best things that money didn’t buy.”

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Let’s be honest: the best thing to punish most DWI offenders with is a court-mandated poetry interpretation course. They will be so angry they will never drink and drive again.

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Some people can’t help but overkill everything. For example, some people aren’t happy with falling off a cliff – they feel they must jump.

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Some studies suggest that medical mistakes may actually be the true #2 cause of death in the U.S.A. There’s no joke here – that is true.

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The biggest study yet done on spanking, spanning 50 years and 160,000+ children, has again determined that spanking might yield short-term changes in behavior, but result in long-term negative consequences. I know that people everywhere are going to shake their heads in disagreement, because if there is one thing we know, it is that anecdotal confusion of evidence is the modern-day camouflage of logic.

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I hope one day we discover that dogs have languages, too. Not that they all speak the same language, but that each one has his own, with none being capable of understanding the others. It will explain a lot about the Republicans to me.

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Isn’t it strange that connections to real people do more to restore customer service than almost any other metric, yet businesses still feel compelled to treat labor costs and human presence as a burdensome cost to be avoided?

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Here’s the deal: if you give me a place to live, food to eat, transportation, and medical care, I think the minimum wage would be just about right. #stupidcomparisons

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If we started calling perfumes ‘odorants,’ which they are, I would hope that sales will fall. Only 1 in 7 perfumes smell anything like the term ‘pleasant.’

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Just once I’d like to watch one of those nature documentaries and see a group of cows in a field – and then one of the cows farting, followed by a snicker from another cow in the group. It’s all about small goals.

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If you get pulled over and are asked to walk “a straight line,” first remember that lines are theoretical constructs that don’t exist in reality – and they are infinite. So, the answer is always “No.” And you should never lie to a police officer.

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In the one-in-a-million chance that I had a prescient dream, take a second to read the short synopsis of a crazy dream I had last night. It was so real that I went to work with the echo of it in my head. I imagine the dream was a combination of Trump’s Indiana victory and scenarios playing in my fevered sleep from being unable to be comfortable the entire night.

PS. I don’t believe in dreams seeing the future, or any supernatural claptrap such as that.

I had a dream last night, one that lingered after I crawled from bed this morning. I was sitting at my computer, and checked my email one last time. I had a solitary email with the subject line: “Objective Election.” There was both an elephant and donkey logo, albeit in a strange form, above the only text in the email. When I opened it, the first line said this: “Trump presumptive nominee. Alternative election configuration active. 4^th candidate scenario is advised. Powell to win.” The email had no sender and no other information. As I was about to print or screenshot the screen image, the email blinked and disappeared.

None of the major candidates currently running for president will win the election. If my very intricate dream is correct, somehow Colin Powell will be the next president, despite his age.

Bear in mind, this was just a dream. But if it turns out to be true, do I get credit for being the first psychic ever?

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I ain’t saying the mechanic’s shop was trying to take advantage of me, but I thought I saw Bill Cosby changing the oil on a car in there.

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“Time does not race you. It’s patient, knowing that it has every second in the world to casually win the sprint.”

I made the picture below, using yearbook pictures from 50 years ago. I posted it on the social media of one the teachers everyone loves and will remember.

“While immortality is impossible, teachers have the best chance at going the furthest, at least while human memories last.”

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My wife got excited when I told her I went to buy a new micro-wave. But her excitement diminished greatly upon my arrival home. I did buy a new micro-wave. Not for cooking, though – it is a really small hand that I hold up in the air when I see someone I know.

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A joke for fans of esoteric jokes: I guess I should have paid more attention when I was craving macaroni. Evidently, I bought a box containing one huge macaroni noodle. The box was labelled “Macroroni.”

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I’m way out of touch. A high school student asked me if I was a fan of Drake. “Nah,” I told him. “Duck feathers cause esophageal irritation.”

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I disguised one of my jokes in a picture of myself, having a Ted Cruz moment with my cat.

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The power of ‘no’ is too often tempered by the ‘maybe’ of not wanting to anger your friends or family.
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In an ongoing dislike of sports, I re-named jump rope to ‘jump nope.’
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“It’s only negativity when other people are saying it.”
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One of Richard Nixon’s actual campaign slogans was this: “They can’t lick our Dick.” Absolutely true historical observation – nothing dirty about it.
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“Don’t sweat the small stuff.” While this statement is great, it is equally true that it is passive-aggressive as hell, as it allows disengaged or unfamiliar people to judge the largely hidden issues you are experiencing.
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“I wouldn’t ask you to engage with the horse you rode in. Animal cruelty is where I draw the line. And who is to say the horse has no standards?” – Best opening line for a new comedy movie I have no interest in writing.
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“Focus on the positive.” Another great cliché. But sometimes, you must shout your irritation and/or disagreement when it isn’t convenient for bystanders, even if the pastor is just getting started.
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“It could be worse.” Yes, that’s true. And I will gleefully remind you of that when I’ve yanked off your yellow $70 scarf and asphyxiated you with it. It could definitely be worse – for you. ‪
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When the boss says, “We’ll figure it out,” in case you haven’t noticed, this is management code for “I have no idea. Let’s wing it and see which side of the bread lands on the floor.”
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It was a sad day for Batman. But not for Gloveman, Baseman, or Flyballman.
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In a mad rush to get away from work and all the anguish he suffered there, he found himself standing in an open field, half-naked, laughing, and joyous. It took the police four tasers to get him handcuffed.
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This world is not the worst of all possible imaginable worlds. I know this because in this world, Adam Sandler at least makes fewer movies than he could.
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“Work hard and work will be its own reward.” Another quote from that guy. You know the one, the asshole.
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