All posts by X Teri

Family Opinion and Witty Indifference

08/03/2014 X Teri

(This is a “re-post” from quite a while ago. I fixed a couple of issues I had with it in its previous incarnation.)

Obvious yet necessary point: When members of your family believe that your personal belief system automatically banishes you to hell, it is a wise choice to ignore those family members completely – or, at least, ignore them about everything that matters in life. Of course, if you ignore them to that degree, you have to ask yourself what real value those people have in your life anyway.

It is a common thing to see people suffering from the lack of understanding this point. Are you gay or lesbian? Atheist? Jewish? Liberal? The specific label isn’t important. The issue is that family members believe differently than you do. They then form negative judgments about you, followed by expression of those judgments.

Most of us opt to spend our precious time ranting and fighting our family members mistaken beliefs. While there is a very small chance that this will work, it is more likely that you will be the one suffering in vain. To our dissenting and disapproving family, their opinion is the only correct one. You can’t really “convince” them of their error.

If the issue is very important and not really a question of choice as is the case with being gay or lesbian, you will look even crazier than normal attempting to “correct” your family. So packed with emotion and irrationality is this subject that many of your family simply don’t have the maturity to re-examine their beliefs. Remember the old adage? No baby is born homophobic.

Using the gay/lesbian example, why would you insist on attempting to repair your relationship to those family members? The best sermon is ignoring them and living a happy life. Failing that, when they demonstrate their thinking in a hurtful way, smile and call them close-minded Neanderthals and stop talking. That will get them mad, as very little angers as much as witty indifference. It’s like watching a child scream and cry, kicking on the supermarket floor in front of the candy. Their righteous anger will feel good to them; however, witnesses will only see stupidity on their part. Eventually, like all ignorant bullies, they will go on to easier targets.

If family members have horrible opinions about your life or lifestyle, first think about whether their opinion has any merit. If not, decide whether there is any malice in their belief. If malice is present, write them out of your life, or at least marginalize them to a place where they can do harm, no matter how difficult it might be. From there, resist their manipulation to draw you back into the fray or to get you to argue your point. You are NEVER going to convince them. Make yourself happy and ignore them.

Even if those people are your parents, brothers and sister, etc. No one has authority over you in regards to your chosen beliefs or lifestyle. Nor do they have the right to insult you in their imaginary defense to their own beliefs.

As I’ve aged, I’m seen family use their biological connection to bully those who don’t agree, whether it is politics, religion, music, lifestyle, etc. I grow ever more astounded that people tolerate this type of aggressive behavior from family members. If you wouldn’t tolerate it from friends or co-workers, why continue to fail to address the real issue? The issue isn’t so much that your family members might be asses, but rather than you are still attempting to impose the false reality of dealing with them rationally as you go through life.

Did I mention “witty indifference” to them? Works fantastically!

Personal

A Reminder for My Wife

08/03/2014 X Teri

If I were to die tomorrow, I would want my wife to do whatever she thinks is best for her, no strings attached.

This includes being with someone else, whether married or shacking up (to use advanced terminology), throw all my things into the river and to make all her future decisions based on her own desires – not out of an obligation to what she thinks I would want and certainly not anchored in the past.

I don’t expect to be idolized in my passing. I’ve seen many people try to live their lives through who they have lost and I’ve found it to be a misleading way to live. That’s my opinion and I certainly have earned it the hard way. All of us make choices every day that seems valuable at the time and later reveal themselves to be a total waste of effort and life.

As horrific of a cliché it is to say that “life is for the living,” it is inescapably true. I know that we probably want to be remembered, loved in our absence, and not delegated to dusty long-gone memories. But all of that is out of our control. Given enough time, almost all the people who have ever lived in this world have slid slowly into history without fanfare. It is the way of things.

We should live our lives in full recognition of its transparent timeline and hope that we have left a ripple of consequences behind that aren’t damaging.

One of my biggest failures in life seems to still be that I can’t express my sense of humor and wonder to my wife very well. The daily ordinary steeple chase seems to occupy and overwhelm all the creative ways I want to enjoy life with her. I have a million ways I could make her laugh and step back from the lunacy of daily living but seems to get bear trapped by the most boring details and fatigue of life.

When I’m gone, whether I’ve succeeded or failed in my efforts to add happiness and comfort to her life, I hope she can laugh at the stupidity of much of what we think we value, including my beliefs.

If nothing else, I can be a negative example to her!

Once my life has faded, I don’t want people using the word “should” to her or adding additional obligations.

Entertainment

03052013 Existential Words to Ponder (“The Departed” and “No Country For Old Men)

08/03/2014 X Teri

Sometimes, a great quote can set my brain on fire with truth and simplicity. I think this is very common for most people. The problem is that we too often have weak memories or don’t understand that a great quote has just expressed a sublime truth to us.

Frank Costello: [laughs] … How’s your mother?
Man in Costello’s Bar: Oh… I’m afraid she’s on her way out.
Frank Costello: [walks away] We all are. Act accordingly.
[smiles and his straightens tie]
From “The Departed”

Sergeant Dignam: I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.
From “The Departed”

“All the time you spend tryin to get back what’s been took from you there’s more goin out the door. After a while you just try and get a tourniquet on it.”
― Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men

“I think sometimes people would rather have a bad answer about things than no answer at all.”
― Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men

“Ever step you take is forever. You cant make it go away. None of it. You understand what I’m sayin?”
― Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men

“If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?”
― Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men

Minimalism, Organization

How Good Does a Broom Need to Be?

08/03/2014 X Teri

How good does a broom need to be?

I saw this phrase somewhere recently. It resonated with me. Does your broom easily get at dirt? Is the handle long enough?

We spend a LOT of time, energy and money needlessly. If you need a computer to surf the internet, why does it need a dvd burner and 8 gigs of RAM? Shouldn’t you focus on whether you need a larger monitor to see better or built-in wi-fi to lessen the cable clutter in your house?

If you honestly feel like you need another 1000 square feet for your house, then go ahead and try to have it. But don’t pay for all that space (and heat/cool it) if you don’t want it, much less need it.

Years ago, in another life, when I was teaching a “Quality” course, part of my job was to beat into people’s heads that quality = conformance to requirements. Nothing more. Using that formula, the USER or consumer determines whether a device is “higher quality” or not – not the manufacturer, salespeople or advertiser

Yet, look at many of our interactions with our choices and you will certainly see “feature creep” or “quality blindness.” Just because BMW bills itself as unbeatable quality doesn’t make it true, even if we do pay an extra $30,000 for the logo. Is it great? Sure it is, but not when I can buy 3 reliable cars with all my desired features for the same price.

If appearance is a critical factor in your decision to buy one piece of furniture over another, by all means, lean toward the purchase of the prettier furniture – but only if appearance outweighs cost, sturdiness, size, etc. Is it really a quality choice if it doesn’t fit well into your room or if it breaks under normal usage? And buying a chair or recliner because it’s a known brand or made of genuine Gazelle leather is a terrible buying decision.

If you’ve got plenty of money, focus on what you want. If you have less money, focus on the best balance of usability versus cost. If you are broke, buy plastic chairs from Dollar General and go on with your life.

Besides, you can always deliberately pick the ugliest item and then hang really weird art in your house. You’ll be okay and considered to be ‘artistic.’

Personal, Reading

The Chronicles of Narnia – One Powerful Memory

08/03/2014 X Teri

The Chronicles of Narnia are, of course, a christian story. The spectacular thing about this is that many religious people seem don’t know this. Even though it sounds critical of me to say so, I think that anyone aspiring to be christian should read these books. C.S. Lewis had a huge impact on modern christianity, for good or for bad. His Chronicles of Narnia are easily the most easy-to-understand allegory for the bible and Jesus.

I probably read the entire 7-book series a dozen times when I was younger. The stories of Aslan and other-world wardrobes was a true fascination to me. I’ve given a dozen sets of the books to several people who I thought would love them as I did.

I’ve read the books 3 or 4 times as an adult. Even now, knowing that books serve as a story version of the bible’s main themes, I still love the books. I’m sure that much of my love for the series rests on my memories of reading as a kid, letting the books take me away from the horridness of my childhood.

These books are one of the few hallmark memories of my childhood. I don’t have many things that can evoke a remembrance of happy things. If I go to a bookstore and see them, I have an instantaneous reaction to grab one and either read it standing there or to buy it and take it home to read, a cup of coffee in my hand.

Death, Social Rules

06072013 Euthanasia, Right to Die (From 2013)

08/03/2014 X Teri

Before reading, you should read the basics on euthanasia, doctor-assisted suicide, etc. It is easy to assume an understanding of what is being discussed.A recent case in Indiana involving a hunter who fell from a tree and was revived from sedation to make a decision about ending his own life brought this to me again. (He chose to die despite just having become a father.)

Striving for clarity and conciseness, I see no problem overall with euthanasia. Anyone who is aware of himself and choosing (or having chosen) to end his own life should be able to do so, independent of society’s ability to deny him the ability. I certainly don’t agree with any religious arguments which attempt to deny a person the ability to end his or her own life. Each person and family has the right toward self-determination. Having said that, my right trumps my family if a disagreement ensues.

After years of thought, I still have no moral argument that would persuade me that society is harmed by an individual choosing to end his own life in certain circumstances. We tend to offer more compassion toward our animals and pets than we do our fellow human beings. Unlike most people, I’m not limited to believing that only medical issues are grounds for choosing one’s own death, either. As with all defensible arguments, my beliefs are based on anyone choosing her or own death must be mentally capable of making such a decision or of making one in advance of circumstances arising, much like a living will.

(I’m always confused by the death penalty advocates who scream and wail about the necessity of killing criminals who balk at the suggestion that euthanasia is sometimes a worthwhile policy to support. They tend to stretch and exaggerate to include forced euthanasia as an objection. A reasonable middle ground is usually difficult for them to grasp.)

How Doctors Choose To Die

I’m specifically not speaking from my personal work history but rather generalizing from what I’ve seen in life. With my family and friends who have passed, the doctors who earn my greatest respect are the ones who will speak plainly and honestly about a person’s expectations and longevity. Almost without exception, these doctors have told me that they would not choose further treatment or excessive efforts for themselves or for their loved ones. Recognizing this and acting on it is not to be taken as a lack of respect or love for your loved ones; rather being able to make hard choices is the utmost in admiration in my opinion. It is possible to be both supportive and uplifting without being unrealistic. I see no reason that I can’t take it one step further and have someone end my life peacefully if I have made that choice clear. The last few weeks of many of the deaths I have witnessed have been anything but tranquil. We must live our lives prepared to pass out of existence, whether we enjoy the idea or fight it tooth and nail.

Passive euthanasia evidently is very common. In these cases, treatment is withheld. No direct action is taken to end someone’s life. I know that people can’t agree on the differences between passive and active euthanasia and voluntary/involuntary euthanasia. Without getting caught in the sinkhole of wordplay, I’m referring to someone’s right to end his or her own life, regardless of the semantics people enjoy using to complicate the issue. Should we do everything possible to extend someone’s life? How much is too much? Should cost ever be a factor? If not, who pays?

As for the entire “unfinished business” argument that many people try to use to dissuade people from being able to end their own lives, I think it is utterly without merit. Each of us has the right to chart our own course without concern for the interference of other people’s viewpoints. Each of us lives our lives from our own mental window. Thus, only you or I should be determining whether we feel our life is ending at the appropriate time.

If I have made arrangements to be allowed to die in certain circumstances, I would like to be able to make that decision. If my loved ones have made a similar decision, it should not be a public spectacle that occurs when I can do as they ask no matter how difficult it is for me. Our ability to leave when we wish to is one of the fundamental choices we have in life.

You can be certain that my general sense for me personally is that I would choose to die rather than degenerate slowly and inexorably, becoming a costly and prolonged coda to my own life.

Scott Adams Dilbert Blog Post

Minimalism

A Wish for the “Hoarders” Show

08/03/2014 X Teri

(A post from 2012)

Since hoarding is so closely intertwined with addictive behaviors, I wish that Hoarders would try to use the 1st step in Addiction Treatment for a season, instead of TV-friendly drama.

That step would be removal of the addiction immediately and cold turkey. Instead of a drug, the addiction in a Hoarder’s case is stuff.

A meth addict doesn’t get to go to rehab with his stash of meth. It’s taken from him and he is basically locked away for forced withdrawal.

It is disingenuous and illogical of the Hoarders shows to claim that even though Hoarders suffer from a psychological addiction, they should not be treated in the same way as chemical addicts are.

I want to see a season of Hoarders wherein they use the XMove system. Instead of worrying about condemning the houses, removing the occupants, taking away the children and all the extraneous stuff, they should remove the Hoarder from the house. From there, the teams of helpers go in. If it is contaminated, throw it away, even if it is sentimental in nature. Otherwise, the team should preserve valuables that can be cleaned and made safe, photos and clothing. Everything else goes. Everything, no matter what it is. Family members and friends will be there to moderate the process. One person will be appointed to make all final decisions. All food will leave the house. Items that can be sold will be sold and the proceeds used toward cleanup and repair of the property.

The XMove system will shorten the cleanup by several multiples of time, be more safe, and allow the Hoarder to immediately begin treatment for his disorder, instead of allowing the drama of his or her behavior in denial being the focus. We will still have an interesting TV show – but not one that distorts the Hoarder’s dramatic denial and efforts to avoid change.

Removing the Hoarder from the house will make code inspections easier as well as allow family and friends to discuss how to move forward once the Hoarder returns from addiction therapy.

If a network wants to produce a show based on Hoarding psychology, it should pay for off-site residential therapy for the Hoarder. They can film and air footage of the Hoarder at rehab, talking to family, planning for the future, etc.

If the house is livable after cleanup, it should be made livable for when the Hoarder exits rehab. If it needs electricity, the production company should have to provide that if the family and friends won’t. If the residence isn’t livable, they need to have a place to live after rehab.

We want the Hoarder to be treated like our own family. If they need treatment, provide it. If we are going to be voyeurs into their lives, we must help them, not just make them a spectacle to be viewed and forgotten.
We want to see them a year after the treatment to see how effective it was and how the family is responding.

Minimalism

Impasse For Minimalists

08/03/2014 X Teri

“…Less stuff = less stress. The fewer possessions you have, the less you need to worry about maintaining, repairing, insuring, protecting, and paying for them…”

I understand that minimalism isn’t just about getting rid of stuff just to be getting rid of it. That’s just reduction.

Minimalism is the focus on removing unwanted or dumb distractions from our lives and constantly considering whether stuff is adding or detracting from our lives. Stuff is not harmless, as most people lull themselves into believing.

If you watch Hoarders, you know that almost all sufferers of hoarding believe that their stuff somehow insulates them from the world and captures the essence of their lives and/or the people who’ve been in it, and that this essence will survive forever. As we all intellectually know, this is just plain crazy talk. Even if our piles of stuff live with us 56 years, it will immediately lose relevance once we are gone. Most of it will go to the trash.

Or fire, floor and disaster will remove it and us from the face of the earth.

The tough part of the journey is when you have reduced across all levels of your life – and still need to go further. Much of the resistance is inside us, while some of it resides with our family sharing our lives.

“If investments in the banks fail, ‘Oh, it’s a tragedy,’ but if people die of hunger or don’t have food or health, nothing happens. This is our crisis today.” – that crazy Pope Francis telling it like it is.