Category Archives: Humor

Am I Funny Or Dangerous?

06/28/2023 X Teri Leave a comment

I wasn’t going to write this anecdote. It rose from an extemporaneous encounter that both tickled me and irritated me.

I went to our local large warehouse superstore after work. In part due to the desire to buy some chicken and in part to engage in some frivolity. I parked near the end of the lot as I often do. For no reason, I sprinted up the parking lot. Behind me, I heard an engine revving. Assuming it was a testosterone-deficient display of horsepower, I kept running. After all, someone has to keep OPEC funded, so such blasphemous displays of tacky overkill are important to both the economy and to aftermarket parts stores catering to those who think the epilogue is something people say at a funeral. As I slowed to traverse the crosswalk, a horn blared at me. It was as loud as an angry housewife at 7:30 p.m. on bowling night.

Turning to wave, I saw that the horn emanated from a large pickup truck. The man driving had put his window down. He shouted at me. “Hey, watch where you’re going!”

Confused, I looked down at the crosswalk and then pointed at it. “I always do,” and laughed.

I could see that my humor and my short truthful quip was not pleasing to him. I was still confused. He drove up behind me as I ran and there were no other vehicles crossing the perpendicular plane of the lot adjacent to the store. My a$$hole detector sent off a warning bell in my head.

Time to play.

“You heard me. Are you being smart with me?” His voice rose in intensity.

“I wouldn’t dare. Your wife wouldn’t recognize such an attempt.” I laughed even harder and stood looking directly at him.

“You wouldn’t be laughing if I got out of this truck!”

I wanted to say, “I’m not sure you could, absent the use of a crowbar and can of Crisco,” but I didn’t.

Instead, I said, “I am NOT going back to prison for this!”

His face froze as the words I’d said sank in. “Just be careful of where you’re going!”

“We’ve established this already. Any new business you’d like to discuss?” I definitely laughed my ass off with this remark. I knew I could outrun him. It was doubly obvious I could outsmart him by challenging him to a one-syllable spelling bee. A part of me wanted to take off running to the end of the lot just to see if he’d attempt a chase.

I am pretty sure his wife had told him, “Let’s go” at this point. As y’all know, this is an infinitely ineffective strategy with this sort of esteemed citizen. It’s right up there with “Calm down!”

He gave me the middle finger. Not to keep, of course. He limited himself to showing it to me with considerable enthusiasm.

I did what any red-blooded American guy should do in this situation: I bowed formally. When I raised up, I gave him a big thumbs-down with my right hand.

“I love you,” I shouted as he drove away.

Did I make friends today?

Love, X

Humor

Wet Paint

06/27/2023 X Teri Leave a comment

An hour earlier, I passed the apartment buildings. One of the maintenance people was painting the large outside panel on the end of one of the buildings. I noted his sign, which indicated, “Wet Paint.”

An hour later, I came back with a gallon of water. I threw it across the recently painted panel. As the paint began to drip and run, the maintenance man screamed at me.

“WHAT are you doing? Are you stupid?”

I pointed to the sign on the end of the building.

(This is an adjective versus verb joke.)

Humor

Bucket List

06/20/2023 X Teri Leave a comment

By the time I drove past, the property was engulfed in flames. There were at least 30 firefighters there, using hoses and every available method to extinguish it. I pulled over safely and parked. I said, “Wait here I’ll be right back” to the passenger.

I ran toward the building and shouted over and over. I then ran back to my car and got inside.

My passenger asked, “What were you doing?”

“I always wanted to shout ‘THEATER!’ In a crowded fire.”

Humor, New Word

3 Quotes

06/16/2023 X Teri Leave a comment

“There’s no such thing as universal advice. For example, you don’t tell masochists to treat others the way they want to be treated.” – X

“People change when they run out of options. Or they see that the road they believed to be infinite does indeed have an end.” X

“The therapist recommended I cry myself to sleep. My efforts to do so proved futile until I saw her bill.” – X

Love, X

Humor, Personal

A Moment

06/13/2023 X Teri Leave a comment

I watched the older black man in front of me at the convenience store. He left his BC powder at the counter and shouted something funny out the door to an unseen partner. I waited, knowing he’d return after the volley of words. Shaking his head and laughing, he came back in and piled out the change he had in his pocket to pay for it. He told the clerk he would leave the extra change for the next person to pay it forward. I told him to leave a 20 and really make someone’s day.

“I’m here to feed them, not fatten them,” he said with a wink and a grin.

I hadn’t heard that one in decades.

I love that old saying. It conveys a lot more philosophy than it seems.
X

Humor, Personal

Color Me Fabulous

06/04/2023 X Teri Leave a comment

Want To Laugh?

Erika was finishing in the other bathroom. I decided to shower too. Ever since the baby shark incident, she won’t let me shower with her. Often, I shower in the dark but left the light on this time – not that it helped to have it on this time. No soap. Okay, I will use body wash. None. Shampoo basically empty, But used what little I could get out, just enough to get my head and face soapy. No problem. I grabbed the dark bottle on top to finish. Squirted too much on me. Rubbed it all over me. Something seemed off. I rinsed my eyes as best I could. I was shocked to see I was covered in blue or black… something. Not only that, but I could see it apparently staining the tub and the shower curtain. One part of me wanted to holler for a Erika to come see the incredulous mess. The other part of me, my lizard brain, desperately tried to get whatever it was off of me and off of the shower and tub. This is a Airbnb after all. I’m not sure blackening the shower tub is covered under the deposit. My showers are routinely very fast. Not this time. I felt like I emptied Lake Michigan attempting to get the dark stain off of me and everything else. While I was still rinsing, Erika stepped in and I decided to tell her what I had done now that it looked like all the damage had been erased. Someone had left a bottle of Redken blue color enhancer on the top shelf of the shower. And a miraculous series of coincidences resulted in me using it as body wash.
X

Humor, Language, Spanish

Clever Jokes That Don’t Translate

05/04/2023 X Teri Leave a comment

Many people love Ricardo Montaner’s classic Spanish love song “El Poder del Amor.” Lesser known is his follow-up song after a breakup: “El Joder del Amor.”

Don’t Google the phrase. The translator will make it an obscenity!

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Humor, Music, Spanish

Surprise: Things You Didn’t Know

04/30/2023 X Teri Leave a comment

Surprise!

At the wedding I performed a few weeks ago, “Macarena” played. The five boys of the bride and groom danced joyously to the song. It was a delight.

At the reception table, people were watching the dancers and chatting. Since I’m bilingual and also a music story aficionado, I asked, “Do y’all KNOW what this song is about?” No one did.

“It’s actually very dirty. The song is about a girl named Macarena. While her boyfriend is joining the army and out of town, she takes home two hot friends of his and has sex with them both.”

Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Which I am.

Nevertheless, the song details how promiscuous and unfaithful Macarena is. Evidently, she does this all the time.

While the song is played at schools, weddings, and just about everywhere else, the content remains a mystery to most people. If you know Macarena, you should run down to the clinic to get some blood work.

Behavior, Humor, Mental Health, New Word, Opinion

*ucket List

04/19/2023 X Teri Leave a comment

NSFW implications: though none of my friends ever, ever curse… A bucket list is awesome to help you prioritize and motivate yourself to action. There is a corollary idea that is based on non-action, non-attachment, non-participation, and non-response. And usually? It saves you a lot of thinking, drama, and unhappiness. It’s zenlike in its implications.