02042015 The New “Shoot-Me-Not” Home Defense Invention

02/04/2015 X Teri

New Product!

Let’s face it – not everyone needs a gun. Or wants one. Especially that one friend we all know who one day is going to accidentally shoot his own elbow off while either cleaning his gun or doing the laundry. If you don’t have such a friend, then YOU are that person.

My company hired 23 focus groups, solicited the advice of 6 engineers and after ignoring every single thing they told us, I created the perfect home defense device using my imagination.

If you need to maintain the appearance of protection, buy the new, improved “Shoot-Me-Not” r̶i̶f̶l̶e̶, complete with stock and barrel – and nothing else. You can’t load it, because it is constructed of solid materials from front to back. (Legal notice: this device can be used as a club or bludgeon, if swung in an arcing motion against the noggin of the person who needs to be reminded who is boss.) (Grammar note: I don’t care what the proper verb form of any verb used in this product description is supposed to be – we are talking “guns” and defense, areas where logic and correctness never tread.)

The new, totally safe “Shoot-Me-Not” Rifle Barrel. Shoots zero rounds per minute. While sticking it out the window or surprising an intruder with it might or might not scare the miscreant to death, it will guarantee that you will not get shot with your own gun – or shoot someone you love in the head while they are getting up to go to the bathroom or drinking milk out of the carton. Finely crafted from whatever materials we have on hand, we will guarantee that it will at least be good enough to prop open a window on summer days.

If you are worried that someone is creeping around your azaleas, instead of blasting them to hell and high water, poke the patented “Scaredy-Pants” technology rifle barrel through the nearest door or window and yell, “Freeze,” or, if you are more humorous, yell “What’s the square root of 343?” (Most criminals tend to be more frightened of math or soap than guns.)

Plus, you can also pose with photos of this fine rifle barrel without running the risk of harming the neighbors, shooting off your other pinky toe, or getting on another pesky mailing list of that national organization dedicated to protecting all the gun rights you could possibly dream up.

This device is available in black, silver, rainbow, flashing neon, and black. Yes, we said ‘black’ twice, because we have a boatload of that color.

All parts for this device assembled in Iceland, using the latest Common Core standards.
This model retails for $12, shipping is $125.
If you buy two, please buy three.

The above picture is a vector image, so that you can admire more closely the high quality artistic designs on this device!

Minimalism, Whimsical

02022015 Everything Is Both Beautiful and Defective

02/02/2015 X Teri

Taken in a certain context, most people would agree that this quiet street is beautiful.

If you think about it, though, each house has some tremendous defects such as leaky roofs, ill-fitting doors, cracked windows, and a litany of other defects. The plumbing system certainly must emit many foul odors at certain times of the day. Parking on this street or even walking is probably treacherous much of the time. We are all, each of us, exactly like this picture.

Carefully observed, there are a lot of warts in this picture – if you look closely. The imperfections are almost overwhelming if you zoom in or experience these houses and this street firsthand.

But still, we can look at this picture and see the beauty.

Is it because our focus is distracted? Or because we can admire that which is new to the eye?

I’m not sure, but there is a lesson for each of us hidden in plain sight.

Advertisement, Whimsical

02012015 Commercial Idea for Cheatos / Cheetos

02/01/2015 X Teri

Cheatos: Lower calorie Cheetos: new product idea.

Dude on couch eating random snack chip.
Chester Cheetah comes in and puts on his sunglasses.

“If you’re going to be unfaithful to the cheetah, at least eat these.”

He throws a bag of snacks at a surprised dude on his couch. Cheetos spill everywhere, surprising the dude. The camera closes in on the half-spilled bag, which says “Cheatos.”

“All the hip, with more health.”

02012015 V8 Commercial Idea

02/01/2015 X Teri

I’m a huge fan of V8 drinks. I love them straight off the shelf, warm or cold. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner all provide an excuse to imbibe.

Previously, I’ve had ideas for Campbell Soup and its advertising. V8 has been around for decades, which is a surprise for most people. Yesterday, a slight change on the take to older ads hit me.

Here’s the synopsis for my video ad:

Late 40s man, sitting in a muscle car, window down, talking to camera. He reaches over to pick up a can, takes a drink and then talks to the camera…

“I used to think V-8 wasn’t a man’s drink. After finding out about how much they pack into this thing, I’ve switched to the raw power of V-8.”

V-8: Power your life.

Campbell Soup, you are welcome. Feel free to shoot my commercial, anytime you want.

I made this picture a long while ago, to half-jokingly honor just how good V8s are to me.

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01302015 Incense Vs. Noncense

01/31/2015 X Teri

If “incense” is a fragrant device used to disguise odors in one’s home, I am hereby announcing my newest invention “noncense,” which is used to ward off idiotic commentary. At times, I fear I would burn 50 of these simultaneously, or be burned myself.

Death, Personal

Arkansas Funeral Care and Comments

01/22/2015 X Teri

Warning: Serious Comments… Arkansas Funeral Care is in the news in Central Arkansas. They are a “reduced cost” funeral home and have helped many families. If you aren’t familiar with what happened, you can search for it easily in the news.

My mom’s funeral was arranged through them in September 2013. Even though I wanted mom to be cremated, my sister had cared for mom the last weeks of her life. Since she was making the decisions, it was her choice to bury her instead of cremation. I’m in no way criticizing my sister for her choices because she was doing what she thought was the best. My mom and I had a horrendous relationship the last year of her life up until she was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. My sister stepped in and made all the decisions for her care and her remains. She chose burial over cremation.

Even though I’m known for my commentary, I reluctantly admitted back at the time that mom looked absolutely terrible during the viewing. It wasn’t because she had battled cancer, as I’ve lost a few close family members to cancer – as have we all. Whoever had prepared her either lacked the skill, time, or interest in masking her condition. I felt sorry for the other family members, knowing that they were in a terrible position of having to mouth the words of condolences that are appropriate to funerals. We were all thinking the same thing – that mom should not have been prepared for a viewing in that condition. In some way, though, I will admit there was even honesty to the way she looked. Most people aren’t accustomed to seeing viewings like that, though. For anyone who has seen the movie “The Green Mile,” the scene in the basement walkway wherein Tom Hanks answers the warden’s question of “What the hell happened up there?” with the quip “An execution” reminds of the situation everyone was in. What would have been the other option at that point? Any change would have resulted in awkwardness and unanswerable questions, too.

At the time, I was glad that the pallbearers were literally pallbearers. Arkansas Funeral Care employed no lifters or mechanical devices. The pallbearers lowered mom with long slip ropes into the ground on the edge of the swamp and at great risk of plummeting into the grave themselves. Honestly, I thought it was a nice reminder of our connection to death. To me, it seemed a more honest way of burying someone. The funeral home did it to cut costs and toward that end, I can’t criticize. Most people haven’t seen someone being lowered into the ground by human hands. The gentleman who came out on behalf of Arkansas Funeral Care handled himself with professionalism and I think he held up well in comparison to many other funeral homes.

Over the years, I’ve become more and more vocal about my preference to cremation over burial. The expense is secondary to the logic and appeal of cremation. But craziness such as that alleged to have occurred in Jacksonville is exactly the ongoing reminder for people to at least consider cremation – not just for the cost, but for the lessening of the burden on families.

As I read the news, I also felt sorry for some of the other funeral homes who will be hurt needlessly by the goings on at their competition. Many can and do work with families and sometimes help people without profit. Those good places are going to be looked upon with more suspicion, when so many already distrust the funeral industry. We play to our own fears. It’s okay to ask tough questions but try to remember that no funeral home can do well if their reputation is tarnished.

Use a funeral home you know and trust and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Among the questions I hope you ask are those about cremation.

Whimsical

Sunday Pictures

01/11/2015 X Teri

Whimsical

Thoughts and Amusements in PIctures

01/10/2015 X Teri

(The one above is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, given the scowl 🙂 )

I obscured the front person’s face because I think she might have been upset over the original picture. Everyone loved it – except her. I don’t understand that sort of thing at all, but it is her choice to dislike her picture being used, so now I go with this anonymized version.