As the FBI may have told you during an unscheduled in-home visit while collecting data on me, I am so liberal that even other radicals see me and scream “Yikes.” In fact, I’m trying to figure out ways to spend your tax dollars right now. Thanks, Obama!

Having said that, I voted early today and opted to vote in the Republican primary. The Republican primary is more interesting than the Democratic one. (Remember that I live in Arkansas. Trump is going to win this bag of loose nuts by 10 points.) I was certain someone was going to jump from the rafters and mace me or that the helpful clerks were going to laugh and force me back out the door. I’m just about the last person in Arkansas that the current Republicans would target or want voting in their primary. (Even though people tell me I look as nuts as Donald Trump, am built like Chris Christie, creep them out like Cruz, and have the verbal gifts of Ben Carson.) So, I used my vote to mainly vote against the crazies, though that doesn’t narrow it down much.

After checking my I.D. and weird name at least 17 times, the clerks gathered and finally decided that if I LOOKED normal enough to vote in the Republican primary, they were going to allow me to do so. One of the clerks made the astute point that if Donald Trump could run as a candidate, anyone should be able to vote, no matter how impaired they might be. Compliment?

On a side note, I’m continuing to learn that voting clerks aren’t accustomed to really weird people like me. Once I get them laughing, though, you would think we were having a party. The voting process needs more levity.

Voting is our way of proving to other people how dumb we can be. And I demonstrate my ignorance proudly.

The important race, of course, was that of Constable. I couldn’t vote for Mr. Evil Mustache (Tom Clowers) or that Duggar fellow, so Mr. Snow got my vote. I voted Bobby Jindal for President, only because he is no longer in the race. If a Republican wins the Presidency, I want it to be someone who doesn’t want the job. (I asked if I could pay a fee and vote 25 times against Trump and Cruz, but they didn’t seem to understand my question.) I voted for Curtis Coleman because he isn’t John Boozman, in part due to John’s terrible impersonation of a life-sized puppet. I voted for Sharon Lloyd because she isn’t Lance Eads. (No offense to his parents, who are two of the best people on the planet.) I voted against Courtney Goodson for Supreme Court because I firmly believe that if you are going to sell-out, at least wear racing stripes on your judicial sleeves indicating who paid for your affiliations. It’s only fair.

It was interesting learning about the candidates, seeing what issues were at hand and then using the time-tested method of voting for the candidate with the best hair.

Come November, I will of course return to the venue of logic and reason and to the liberal candidates, leaving behind today’s brief foray into the bizarre mix of modern conservatism.

But if you need someone to help spend your tax dollars, let me know. I’ll write President Sanders or Clinton next January to let them know on your behalf.

PS: Early voting at the rodeo grounds was fantastic, as it always is. They are professionals and I couldn’t imagine things running any more smoothly than that group manages it.