Joy. The same day I discovered the abandoned trunk in the trees and brush, I had a joyous moment. Near where I work is a nexus of creek, trails, and wildlife. For whatever reason, this year brought a few squirrels not intimidated by people. If I’m still, a couple of these will approach me, sit near me, or cling to the bark of a tree near eye level. If I lean against one of the box transformers nearby, it might put its paws on the small of my back. Every so often, they let me pet them. Earlier in the week, one of these trusting squirrels approached me excitedly and sat at my feet, twitching and raising its head. I reached down, gave him neck scrunches, and ran my fingers along its back like a cat. The squirrel chattered in response. (It’s one of the squirrels that recently engaged in a squirrel war with a fellow tree dweller and fell on me.) I don’t know what it was telling me as I made contact. When I was done petting it, it picked up an acorn and busily chewed on it at my feet. I suppose it wanted company – and I was glad to have it. It flew me away from the job, the day, and the relentless stupidity we call busyness.
I don’t know what called me to walk along the back spur of the trail. I haven’t been near there in weeks due to the drought and the low creek.
To the right of the path, I saw what initially looked to be a barrel. As I neared it, I realized it was an antique trunk. The lid was carelessly thrown open and a couple of drawers sat haphazardly on top of the trunk’s opening.
Slightly uphill and to the right were the remnants of someone’s memories. Photos, cards, tickets for rock music venues from the 1970s, and personal keepsakes.
Someone had to have taken great effort to get the trunk out there amidst the trees.
I have a lot of questions about how the trunk got there, and of the stranger whose belongings are still carelessly staged and thrown out for display to those adventurous enough to walk through.
Of course I can’t resist the call to do my thing and find out about the woman whose storage trunk of memories are discarded out here.
I’m glad I listened to the call that prompted me to go out among the trees.
But I am also a little disheartened to have found someone’s trunk of memories out here.
The park crew was clearing brush and trees from the creekside end of Bluff Cemetery. We’ve been weeks without substantive rain.
Because the amount of dust reminded me of an empty field before and after the crops of my youth, I told him, “A little grit in the heat never hurt anyone.”
Because of the elevation of the cemetery and the exposed expanses of ground at the cemetery, the effect of the high wind carrying and eddying the dust and leaves was quite beautiful despite it covering me as I walked through it.
It was shortly after noon during my visit. The sky looked like a summer sky even though the browning trees frowned at me for such a thought.
I can’t visit a cemetery without viscerally feeling the irony of loving cemeteries for their history and emotional anchors, yet having always disliked the ritual of burial.
I have several family members at Bluff. Several contemporaries and people I’ve known also dot the landscape.
After meandering, I took a photo of a random grave. Someday soon, I’ll use the information to find out more about the person using my research skills. It may seem foolish to some for me to do this. But every time I do it, I learn something. I like to think that a random stranger’s attention might float up into the after and ether and hit a hidden chord of memory in the universe.
Before exiting the property, I pulled my car over and parked. I chose a tree along the periphery and did my best to climb it. My pocket was loaded with a length of wire and a beautiful prism. I left it hanging up there. In the days to come it will become more exposed as the tree gives way to November.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
The prism is a reminder that sunlight is not only the source of all life here on Earth, but also provides the only way we can experience beauty with our eyes.
No matter what your views are of the afterlife, many forget that we are supposed to squeeze life while we’re here. Some of us produce lemon juice and others nectar.
We all breathe the same air and for different lengths of time.
PS I hope some of you got to enjoy the leaf tornadoes that seemed to be everywhere today.
It’s all perspective. The custom painting in my kitchen alcove expresses it well: “Black Hole Sun-The same sun, yet filtered by negligent eyes, renders darkly all that shines.”
I can worry about the moronic changes in my professional life or look at the parking lot below and consider all the recent ill-advised shenanigans from those who traverse it. I can also turn and look through my large screenless windows into the living room and watch my cat shoot across the uneven levels of the massive cat castle like a feline projectile. Güino doesn’t concern himself with the outside world. His perspective is limited. Given the massive amount of information and bustle I experience on a given day, I think he’s winning in a way that I can’t.
I had infinite energy this morning. So I burned it off like useless gas derivatives being lit at the top of oil refineries.
A lot of our lives are like the burned gasses. We spend so much time and energy wanting to control or direct the world around us. We’d be better off focusing on the immediacy of things and people around us.
This post is partially personal and also a metaphor. Or analogy. Although I know the difference, I don’t care about grammatical accuracy. If this post is all over the place, you can thank me later for taking you around the world with my shotgun storytelling.
In 2005, I visited my brother north of Chicago. He brought out a giant bag of tortilla chips, one suited for his appetite. Then, he brought out high-quality horseradish and made a two-ingredient dip. Although I’m laughing when I write this, my brother Mike might have held me down with one of his giant paws of a hand and inserted a horseradish-laden tortilla chip into my mouth had I persisted in refusing to try it. I grabbed a chip and loaded it. My brother’s eyes widened, and he laughed like a hyena because he knew I would eat the whole bite. Though it burned, it was delicious!
“See, you dumb bastard? I told you you would like it. This ain’t the horseradish Aunt Ardith kept hidden in a side shelf.”
Although my brother was one of those people who thought he was always right, I had to give him credit for insisting I at least try horseradish. The worst that could have happened is that I still would have hated it.
All these years later, I think about that. He did the same thing with guacamole after I refused to have some freshly made guacamole at what used to be my favorite Mexican restaurant in Springdale. Guacamole was the equivalent of turkish delight from C.S. Lewis’ Narnia tales.
I am now a world class aficionado of pico de gallo. For too many years, I assumed I wouldn’t like it because my mom made me automatically distrust onions. Onions were the second component of her one-two punch of seasoning, which consisted of onions and cigarette ash. It was a story of culinary violence in the South, never knowing if the potato salad or mashed potatoes would have fantasy-level chunks of onions.
The above anecdotes hint at much of our problem. Because I was naive and poor, I was rarely exposed to a wide swath of food, much less quality. My cousin Jimmy’s house was the crucible of exposure to many foods. Because of my dad, Bobby Dean, almost literally making me eat food at gunpoint, some of my first exposures to some things were less than ideal. That’s putting it mildly. Some of the food at my house was the equivalent of the discarded version of what you would find behind a dollar store grocery aisle. That explained my aversion to morel mushrooms.
And also horseradish.
I don’t remember how old I was when I first tried horseradish. I remember the time that soured me on it. It turned out to be old and nasty by any standard. So, it’s no wonder my first exposure was the equivalent of eating a goose-poop-filled donut. I was lucky to have Aunt Ardith and Uncle Buck. Without them, my life would have been much worse in several ways. Visiting my cousin Jimmy always guaranteed that I’d be well-fed and get to try a variety of things. I like to joke about the horseradish because it was one of the few times that Aunt Ardith convinced me to try something exotic (to me). She had the best intentions, unlike my dad. If he got a hint of an idea that I didn’t like something, you can be sure that I’d be eating a bucket of it. Aunt Ardith and Uncle Buck did their best to tell Dad to jump off a cliff when he behaved that way around them.
We have parallel aversions to many things resulting from our initial exposure. Look at most relationships, and you can see that it’s true. You had your heart broken. You repay your future self by carrying the mistake and believing that all relationships will turn sour. Or you think most people grew up without the love and caring everyone needs. You carry your words into the future, and all the potential people you meet indirectly pay for the wound. You either avoid deep relationships or insist the system is rigged and broken. The concept of relationships isn’t the problem; it’s us. You’re letting your version of horseradish tarnish your future with other people.
Life is horseradish and guacamole.
Be open to new things.
Be aware that you may have blinded yourself or made truth from experiences that should not be extrapolated into cynicism or isolation.
Although it is true that people rarely fundamentally change, it is possible both in outlook and preference.
Changing is, in part, acknowledging that the things, habits, and ideas that once defined you no longer do.
Only healthy people change their minds and their lives.
PS During this crazy election, I’ve had a few laughs because of my brother. He’s been gone for four years. In his later life, one of his proclivities was to be a blowhard, much in the ilk of Bill O’Reilly. My job was to be the liberal and sentimental brother that drove him crazy. And as I was fond of telling him, the person left standing gets the last word. Since I bought gallon by the ink, he didn’t have the temperament to keep up with me. If he were still alive, he’d be pissed off at me constantly. But I miss it. Not the anger of the last few years; that period owes its shadows to alcohol and unresolved trauma. I miss the undeniable intelligence of my brother, even when he used it to wither my well-intentioned arguments. I absorb a lot of the election craziness and play a dialog in my head, one in which my brother is the one repeating conspiracy theories and horrible rhetoric. My brother taught me that if you can’t argue the facts, you pound the table. If that fails, flip the table.
PSS I chose a different picture for this post instead of one of my brother. Both pictures are of joy and of family time. Even though there was a backdrop of unease during both visits, each of the pictures reveals both youth and connection. In one, my niece Brittany charges toward me as I stand by a pond outside a cabin on King’s River. I got deathly ill from food poisoning on that visit, and Mike’s police K-9 got violently snakebit while we were all swimming in the river. Behind Brittany, as she runs, my deceased wife watches happily. The other picture from another visit is of my nephew Quinlan kicking my ass as the three of us wrestle like savages. I’d forgotten that their dog was watching from the doorway. The third picture is of me and my brother. Mike had his wife bought me a plane to ticket to visit them in Illinois. I love the picture despite the goofy look on my face. It documents my brother’s vibrancy in the “before” part of his life. Mike bought me tickets for two such trips, and his doing so proved that he loved me and also missed me. It was before the branching of his life; the picture captures what could have been the case for the rest of his life had he made that choice. My niece is a mother now, and when I think about the fleeting speed of life, I get a glimpse of the idea that nothing stands alone in our lives and that each moment unfolds from the previous one. We don’t see its unfolding or interconnectedness until later.
I looked across the bright blue tablecloth the staff used for decoration and practicality. Behind the older lady sitting uncomfortably slouched in a wheelchair across from me, attempting to eat between coughs, I saw him standing there.
When I looked over the lady’s shoulder, he hadn’t been there three seconds before. He was an older man dressed impeccably in a dark green suit. His eyes were wrinkled yet sparkling. The tall windows behind him didn’t seem to add any illumination to his profile. I could see the sun shining brilliantly down between the wings of the care facility.
When my eyes met his, I didn’t need to be introduced to know who he was. He nodded and smiled, which, under different circumstances, might have made me uncomfortable.
I nodded back, but I didn’t return his smile. Only time softly converts the repeated truth of reality into recognition, if not acceptance.
The older man looked at the framed picture in front of me. “What was will once again be,” he said, although his lips did not move.
It didn’t surprise me that I heard him in my head.
“You’re not here for her, at least not yet,” I insisted.
“No, but I’m always here. I am everywhere to untie the bind when it’s time for each of them.”
“She needs a little more time,” I answered in my head.
He shook his head. “No. Once the mind opens and self-awareness occurs, every moment is borrowed. Do you see the sunlight behind me? Smell the food in front of you? Do you not feel it when you hug her?”
“Yes.” I already knew the point. It had periodically been hammered into me throughout my years. Many of my worst moments were when the lesson slipped from my mind.
“What was will once again be. Take the pleasure and the people around you, and let it be enough. Looking forward or listening to the sounds of the grains in the glass is folly. Just as looking backward too long focuses you on what’s lost. You are here. Now.”
I closed my eyes briefly and listened to the myriad voices around me.
When I opened them, I lifted the soup spoon and gingerly fed it to the woman I was visiting.
There would always only be this moment. A long succession of them experienced individually.
For some, more. For others, fewer.
The voices, the smells, and presence.
We are all the same story, written in different verses and distinct melodies.
It is enough.
When I looked toward the window, the man was gone. The windows were dimmer, but a piece of me felt brighter. Truth is its own luminescence if we let it shine even into the dark corners of our lives.
The surprise happened quickly. I walked along the trail spur where I usually encounter my favorite terrier Max. I could hear squirrels animatedly chattering at one another close by. I pulled my phone from my pocket and looked down to input the code. That’s when the unlikely coincidence happened. I didn’t have time to react. What I thought was a large bird swooped down in front of me so closely that it was only inches away – and hit my right shoe precisely when my shoe contact with the concrete.
My brain realized that a squirrel had jumped or been knocked from the tree above me. It bounced from my shoe to stand about two feet in front of me. It hunched on all four fours and chattered at me. Above me, I heard a squirrel scratching furiously at a tree. A half second later, the squirrel from the tree barreled the short distance across the grass and dirt and sideswiped the falling squirrel. It was a WWE move. Both squirrels ran around in circles for several seconds, up the chain link fence and then into a tree.
After laughing, I snapped a picture of the skydiving squirrel.
It seemed to have forgotten the incident entirely. Which means these squirrels routinely practice their wrestling moves.
Had I been walking slightly faster, the squirrel would have landed squarely on my head. And I wonder what I might have looked like in that scenario.
I’m standing in the low creek as I write this. I had hoped for a rainier September. September is the month with so many milestones for me. Don’t get me wrong. October is fabulous. But September holds weight for me, and anchors pieces of me that are hard to explain to other people.
While waiting, I took the opportunity to explore. Along the road were a series of maple trees that had some of the best climbing branches I’ve seen in a long time. If you’re wondering whether the urge to climb the tree over took me…. Does a conservative jump at the chance to make strawman arguments? (The algorithm loves political jokes.) I jumped up to the first branch and made my way up. Joyce Boulevard looks different from high up in a tree. The shade and breeze were amazing. When I came down to the last branch, I swung without thinking. Even though the tree is 15 ft away from the side road, the woman driving the maroon Yukon obviously didn’t expect a man to apparently fall out of a tree. I waved at her to let her know I had intentionally came out of the tree. Although she might be right if she claimed she saw a nut fall out of a maple tree this afternoon.
You would never know how brilliant the sun shone looking at my picture.
I sat under the shade of another tree and looked at the blue sky canopy above me – and the mix of dark clouds interrupting the sky. The breeze joined me as my mind went a thousand different directions. In the distance, I watch the clutter of traffic on Joyce.
“Grow up. You’re too old to climb trees,” some might say to me. I pity those people. Trapped on the ground in every sense that matters. X .
It’s been 17 years, or 6,210 days, give or take one due to the uncertainty of the day emblazoned on the calendar.
Some years, it is sufficient to look at her family tree and at the countless pictures I indexed for those wishing to remember.
I’m more of a spontaneous remembrance person, allowing random moments to drag me into the past.
The bridge that might transport me back is a duality of both distance and proximity. Everyone who gets old enough feels the clock spinning like a roulette wheel, for its speed and also for the uncertainty regarding where its stop whimsically occurs.
Even if we’re unaware of our demarcations, we divide our lives in to eras. Most of our demarcations are passive. Childhood. Graduation. A child. And the rest launch from the magical yet persistently somber consequence of being alive in this world.
I had my turnstile moment this morning. Disrespect pushed me into a flare of brilliant anger. Because of the anniversary, I didn’t need to think about how I should probably respond. Anger is a call to action for remedy or an immobilizing force. I never need to intellectualize how she might have reacted. If something made her mad, it was a certainty that those around her would not need a soothsayer or psychic. The words would flow with a grimace to match.
I managed to merge and juxtapose her reaction with my natural inclination. The words came. Those who’ve ridden the ride and exited the fairgrounds know the stupidity of living inauthentically. Once your ticket is torn and handed it to you, the clock is already spinning.
And so through these words that will seem vague to many and perceptively painful for others, I tell you that it’s a dangerous game to be reminded.
I did not have a ticket rendered in two pieces in my hand today. It was given to me 57 years ago. 17 years ago, I had to come to terms with the fact that it probably should have been my ticket being requested.
I was supposed to use the alchemy of motivation and memory to live unapologetically. She handed me the baton and pointed me in the right direction.
When the weather chills in early September, even my oblivious bones haunt me a little.
That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
We are all busy and occupied instead of being purposeful and satisfied.
As I stood at the intersection where Garland opens up to the fields, I watched as a car inexplicably went down the wrong side of the median. Opposite the intersection are the beautiful homes that have been remodeled one by one. They are much more striking in the dark early hours of the morning. I turned in that direction out of curiosity, observing that the car made a left onto Sycamore. It’s undergoing what seems like a permanent closure due to reconstruction of the road. I carefully walked along the gravel temporarily placed on the roadbed. Not too far from the intersection where the street intersects with Leverett, the car was pulled over and whoever was driving it had the brake lights activated. Because I am either fearless or stupid, I approached the car from the driver side, taking a wide approach so that the potential occupant could see me. As I came within about feet from the driver door, the car roared away. I watched it bounce like a volleyball as it went over the juxtaposition of gravel at a lower height than the pavement. It was an auspicious start of the day for me wandering and wondering around in the dark. I suspect it was an inauspicious ending for the driver, one undoubtedly proceeded by questionable choices and liquid dopamine. I noted the irony that the next song that played on my headphones was a lyricless version of “Peace Of Mind” by Boston. I zoned out as I walked along the beautiful new sidewalks that were recently completed. Off in the distance, I had the privilege of watching the dark skies turn purple, pink,and rosé as the clouds broke on the horizon and the sun peeked through.
The next song on my playlist was a lyricless version of “Don’t Fear The Reaper.” I laughed and felt pity for the reaper. No one takes the time to consider that he’s never welcome. Or that he has to do his job in this humidity wearing a heavy cloak. I bet that sometimes the reaper wants to sit and have a good cup of bitter coffee in the morning and listen to the birds.
PS I prefer the word “lyricless” over “instrumental” because the latter usually denotes a different version than that to which we are accustomed.
P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 