Category Archives: Personal

Behavior, Lemon Moment, Opinion, Personal, Psychology, Social Rules

Surrender

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A part of me is still flying in the May afternoon, the sun declining and making me a human prism. No cape required.

What I wanted most from the experience of jumping was to know what it would feel like leaning out knowing I had to surrender and spiral out.

But what it has done over time is paradoxically make things more colorful while simultaneously making other things banal.

I’m trying to decide between bull riding and telling my manager he’s got a bad haircut. Both seem equally dangerous.

Someone quipped to me that once you see the Grand Canyon you can’t look at a simple yet elegant river without comparing it.

Many of our comparisons are subconscious. If you’ve ever experienced acceptance at its most basic level, it’s hard to deal with quibblers. If you’ve experienced unconditional love, anything less than surrendering to it feels like a violation. If you’ve learned something that challenges your core beliefs, it’s hard to believe that you aren’t wrong about a lot of other things, too.

I’m still flying and I’m not certain it’s to my benefit.

It incrementally brought back that feeling of detachment that was such a joy almost 20 years ago. Detachment allows you to have deep singular experiences, but it also paradoxically separates you from the turmoil.

It’s ego that tells me that it’s wrong to say, “People who jump out of airplanes don’t quibble over trivial.” Equally true is that once you lose a piece of your identity because of loss or recognition of how alone you can be when you don’t take care to dive into to mess of life, it’s hard to dial back in.

Someone also told me it’s not wrong to lean in and feel like I did something special, even if thousands do it each year. It’s on people’s bucket lists for a reason. Even if all I did was lean out and let go, allowing gravity to do the rest.

How many of us live life on autopilot anyway? Waiting for whatever happens to happen.

“Not changing is choosing.”

Love, X
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Humor, Lemon Moment, Personal

2 a.m.

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I enjoy the uncertainty of inconvenience stores. They are the way stations of unpredictability. This morning I stopped at the inconvenience store super early. A young girl exited a vehicle. She had a hospital ID band on and she seemed disoriented. When I walked in, I felt disoriented too. It’s normally quite dead at that hour. The clerk was on his tiptoes, pushing at the ceiling tiles with a short broom. Near the soda machine were several women all looking up and chattering. Naturally, I goosed the clerk hard in the ribs unexpectedly as he stretched. He giggled like a pigtailed girl. The other women ranging in ages from I couldn’t possibly guess to possibly 90 years old stood next to the soda fountains looking up and offering a rapid-fire litany of commentary. An unidentified insect was evading contact in the ceiling tiles and fluorescent lights. Because cicadas have made their appearance, I assumed it was a cicada. I told the clerk to assume that the insect was actually a malevolent monster waiting to attack him. I also told him I had the Seek app to identify it if he would get up there on a ladder and yank it out. He spiritedly declined my solution.

The oldest lady in the group insisted that the insect hiding above us was a dragonfly. I told them all that because I have an advanced degree in zoology that I was certain it was one of the new venomous flying spiders that always accompanied the arrival of the cicadas. Much to my surprise, I could see that everyone who heard me was convinced that I knew what I was talking about. Their initial gullible reaction proves why conspiracy theories spread so easily on social media. 

The point-of-sale system was down and displaying what amounted to hieroglyphics. Luckily I had a $5 bill. I told the clerk I would give him another $5 if he would stand on my back and stick his hand in the crevice to remove the insect. He gave me a look, one that said, “Ain’t no way in hell am I sticking my hand up there.”

Another couple entered the store. They both looked like the result of what happens when you don’t have enough sense to go to bed. They too looked confused at the gaggle of people in the store staring up at the ceiling.

As I reached my car, one of the women hollered that it indeed was a huge dragonfly. I think she told me that to scoff at my advanced degree in zoology.

I didn’t see it, of course. I much to prefer to imagine that it was indeed a venomous flying spider.  

I hope the reminder of the day is equally tumultuous and chaotic. It’s not like I get to vote on the matter anyway. 

X

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Humor, Personal

Nuts

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6 Things

First, I took care of someone’s pets and they paid me in squirrel masks. I’m definitely a winner in this scenario.

B, I started to trim my beard and as I do all too often, I cut an unintended strip across my mustache and down my chin. I considered leaving it that way but ever since the cease and desist order, I have to be cautious. You can go Google it. Is this true? There’s only one way to know.

IX, I put a suit jacket on because I am feeling fancy. Not the Reba McEntire kind! (Even though inflation may bring me to that point.)

34, the confluence of accidentally scalping my face gave me an excuse to don a squirrel mask. Since I already enjoy climbing trees, it seems logical and wise for me to perhaps where this ensemble in an upcoming tree climb.

PS Don’t throw nuts at nuts.

X

Art, Humor, Lemon Moment, Personal

M e

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Whether you use the word weird, creative, or eccentric, it’s obvious to most people that I hit the target. It’s hard enough getting people surprises or gifts on traditional days. In my case, everyone knows that I much prefer random days for surprises. They also know that if the gift itself isn’t personal, the box, card, or the way I present it is definitely going to be. I don’t like the idea of a world without chalk, index cards, or random shenanigans. That includes sending clown noses, a custom picture of Doc Holliday, receiving a flutophone, or one of my favorite things in the world: prisms. 

People forget that at one point I was decorating the envelopes I used to make my car payments. I didn’t know until much later that the car lot manager kept all of them on a wall. Assuming he’s still alive, I’m convinced he definitely remembers his unusual customer. I took the mundane necessity of making a car payment and made it a crazy memory, as well as an accidental art installation in a small car lot office.

The reason I explain all this is that sometimes I spend a great deal of effort and time making something unique. Overwhelmingly, people are delighted and truly surprised that I thought enough of them to make the attempt. 

What consterns me are those times when my gifts or creations are misunderstood. It’s a lot like starting a conversation that’s difficult. You can’t control the other person’s reaction or the outcome. 

Me not making or sending surprises to people isn’t in my nature. It’s like criticism when you sing or write something. You have to accept the criticism just like you do the praise or encouragement. 

In a world inhabited by so many different people, it stands to reason that decorum, style, taste, and humor aren’t universal. 

Some people reading this have been on the receiving end of things out of the blue. Some have received things from me anonymously. Others have been walking around Fayetteville and discovered literal eggs filled with surprises, pieces of art, or just about anything creativity might cook up. 

My intention is to be me and create small moments. The fact that most people aren’t like me is truly independent of what I do or why. 

I have a stack of red capes in my hall closet waiting for the right day when several of us are going to need some comedy and ridiculous adventure during an otherwise normal day. That should tell you all you need to know about me. 

Love, X

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Animals, Fayetteville, Lemon Moment, Personal

Wednesday Universe

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I think most people visit Mount Sequoyah at the wrong time of the day. At 6:00 a.m. you won’t be crowded. This morning was cool and the sun was filtered through heavy clouds. Deer wander around everywhere and are largely unconcerned by your proximity. (Unlike your boss, who is undoubtedly plotting another round of micromanagement for your own good.) Due to federal law, my age requires me to be fascinated by birds I haven’t seen. This morning up on the mountain it was Indigo Buntings, which are bluer then a 6-year-old holding his breath during a tantrum. I have a sentimental connection to the spot but more than anything, it is a singular reminder that we often don’t need to travel to distant places to see the places we inhabit differently. 

X

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Behavior, Opinion, Personal, Psychology

Perspective

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Unpack all your baggage and throw it in the attic or the basement. It will still be there to greet you later but at least you will stop transporting it around as if it defines you. Take a moment and look out your window. It’s a portal to several billion people and unimaginable fascinations. So why do we choose to spiral into an ever-narrowing cocoon? We complain about traffic and yet we can only visit new places by becoming traffic. As for work, it’s almost universal that we love some aspects of it while simultaneously despising the grind and the dehumanizing part of it. The people around us become familiar and we think we’ve learned what we can from them. Maybe it’s time to put on the clown shoes or the bowtie and risk looking ridiculous. One of the secrets of life is that while people are giving us the sideeye they are also largely ignoring us, consumed by the constant barrage of obligations and appearances that keep them caged.
X
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Fayetteville, Lemon Moment, Personal

Summer Nights

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Am I the only one who sometimes realizes how absurd life is? When I awoke this morning, I had been dreaming something nostalgic but I couldn’t catch even a whisper of what the dream was. For a minute, I thought it was Friday and that work was ahead of me. I was driving around after 3:00 a.m., having gone to the inconvenience store for a soda. The clerk, who was stocking and cleaning over by the soda dispenser, told me “That one is out of flavoring.” I laughed and continued to dispense the soda because I drink carbonated water without a second thought. When I left, I turned the wrong way without thinking and just kept driving. Soon enough, I went through the stretch of construction and up the side hills of Fayetteville. One section had been redone and the street lights were both beautiful and bright, casting shimmers in the darkness. The deer crossing signs became more numerous and on the way back down I discovered why. I had to come to a complete stop because five deer were standing in the middle of the road looking at me. I waited and watched them. After a bit, they dispersed to the left side of the road and I drove on. Because I listen to a wide range of music, I switched the radio to 106.5, which I like to call Old Person’s Variety Radio. I sang along to the ridiculous song playing. It was “Summer Nights” from the Grease soundtrack. I took a moment to think about the fact that I was in fact in a summer night, albeit at 3ish in the morning. At the next intersection, I watched a vehicle come toward me as the song played. The driver was either intoxicated or driving with a bag on his or her head. They erratically passed and I continued on my way. I adore these early mornings because most of the people I encounter are closing out the day before while I’m starting mine. I stopped on top of one of the hills and exited my car. I took a moment to look across the city and see Old Main shining in the distance. The early morning robins were singing loudly. Although nothing happened, it felt like something was about to. It was just a beautiful untimed moment. With a few exceptions, it’s all mine in these early mornings. There’s a fine line between enlightenment and lunacy. Summer nights. 

X

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Behavior, Opinion, Personal, Psychology

Fire Or Ice

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If you are a nighttide peripheral observer like me, you’re going to see things that make you do a double take. This morning I drove by the infamous Bottoms Up at an hour when even the local vampires are getting droopy-eyed. A woman stood between her open car door and the car and a man leaned against her. His work truck was parked on the other side of her car.  I’m certain he was examining her tonsils. My initial reaction was “geez.” But my ensuing reaction was “good for them.” When we are young, it’s our opportunity to abandon good sense and let our biological fires not only lead us down the path of temptation, but also take a dubious detour. It is a certainty that we should be rational creatures. Careful attention to our behaviors and patterns clearly demonstrates that we are not. Routine grips us and we build layers of distraction on top of our clandestine wish to feel alive. Maybe I’m an outlier. Perhaps the rest of you don’t struggle with the duality of knowing we’re here to experience the world, but also wonder why we choose or are pushed into obligations and routines that quite simply deaden us at times. Whoever those tongue-locked people were will wake up at some point during the day and regret burning the midnight oil. Maybe you will think I’m crazy for saying I had a similar regret when I pulled in to work. I probably should be driving to Central Arkansas this morning. But I’m not. It is all an accumulation of choices. Some serve us, and some do not. It’s only in retrospect after we’ve made the choices that we tell ourselves we understand why we made them.

X

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Animals, Exercise, Fayetteville, Lemon Moment, Personal

Nighttide Walk

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I’ve been out wandering the colorful nighttide. (Still one of my favorite words.) The colors and sky have been worth seeing. I enjoyed seeing the little house cat in the industrial building, its paws raised up behind the dirty glass of the front window. The fox that darted across the street in front of me, headed to the creek. A couple of rabbits, one dog wandering and wanting to be petted, goats in their enclosure, a few bats, and a variety of birds that I collected on my Merlin app. The wind has been blowing the entire time, rustling the trees and foliage. I saw a couple of people who were ill-advisedly still up from last night. One of them was sitting by the creek on the large rocks along its banks, enjoying a beer. I don’t normally walk in the creek barefoot so early in the morning, but I couldn’t resist. There are a few places near my apartment where the sky opens up and are relatively uncluttered. I sometimes forget how much a juxtaposition the area is. The world is unfortunately waking up now. But I owned it for long enough this morning. 

X 

PS I got to pet a squirrel after work yesterday.

Behavior, Mental Health, Music, Nostalgia, Opinion, Personal

A Symptom Of Being Human

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For all of you out there who sometimes need a song blasting on the way to work… Find “A Symptom Of Being Human” by Shinedown. I’ve listened to this song multiple times with a critical ear, trying to pinpoint what exactly this song embodies that provokes an emotional reaction in me. The closest I can come Is that it invokes a nostalgic feeling without being tied to a specific time period. It’s a song about mental health and having empathy for every human soul who crosses your path. Even toxic bastards, managers, baseball fans, and registered voters.  It’s Thursday which means you’ve made the mistake of delineating your days as if one has more importance than any other. 

X

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