Not only do I bite the hand that feeds me, I kick the shins of those who clothe me.
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It is true that you will never read this headline: “Agnostics declared war on South America today.” But it is equally true that you will also not read this headline, either: “Religious group had no comment on the topic.”
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The greatest super-power imaginable is the ability to keep one’s trap closed in the presence of ridiculous.
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They kept telling me not to bite my fingernails. Man, were they angry when I started biting theirs.
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When I get confounded about the crazy stuff others might believe, I turn the TV on and see that golf is still televised. Case closed.
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I’ve decided that I am going to preface every fifth comment I utter with this opener: “As the voice of unreason….
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Is it wrong that each time I drive by the now-defunct Mary Maestri’s restaurant that I giggle?
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“Most people don’t mind getting slapped if they deserve it. If you do it too often or without cause, you had better sleep with your doors locked and with your dog indoors.” –Old Man Chronicles
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A friend recommended that I start wearing a ponytail. He didn’t understand when I replied, “Are you going to be able to sneak up behind the horse with a pair of scissors?”
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“If your mom or your religion tries to teach you to hate a group of people, change churches and don’t argue with your mom. She’s supposed to be rolling her eyes at you.” – Old Man Chronicles
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When people ask me, “X, what have you done today to make the world better?” I now reply, “I don’t ask rhetorical questions.”
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Forget the “ring the bell for excellent service” thing. I want a place that sets a buzzer that when pressed will mimic the sound of agonized pain from a terrible experience. I guarantee that thing will get a lot of usage. (We can use Buffalo Wild Wings or Jose’s as a baseline for sheer unadulterated agony.)
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I get asked, “Why do you enjoy British TV so much?” Despite the great writing and better pacing, the real reason is I like to watch characters living in a world where universal health care is always in the background, waiting.
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Forget drug testing for welfare. Let’s drug test everyone who votes. And anyone wearing black socks.
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“A work ethic is too often misused to make people work when they should be at home getting better. Or looking after their family when they need it. Work has its place at the table but it shouldn’t be the only guest sitting there.” -Old Man Chronicles
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“Ignore what the government takes. You can spend your life watching and worrying or you can spend it down by the river, enjoying life. Government’s going to do what it does, whether you are at the river or not.” -Old Man Chronicles
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Don’t argue with anyone about the difference between a ‘living wage’ and the ‘minimum wage.’ Those making above the former don’t understand the latter.
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Over 2 years later, I still can’t even imagine eating eggs without having to control my gag reflex. It is amazing how one bad experience can change one’s preferences. I still manage to eat one every so often, but only by convincing myself that I’m living in the Matrix and that Neo is telling me everything tastes like chicken, anyway.
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You will go far in your career if you remind yourself from time to time that your manager probably doesn’t understand what the phrase ‘big fish in a small pond’ means. Or that he is the goldfish.
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If a baseball player hits a home run, I vote that we make them run the base once as is traditionally done and then make them do ANOTHER lap around the bases with style, as if they were a specific character that the crowd yells out.
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As for golf, I think that 1 in every 200 balls should be explosive.
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Young people are not the problem. They haven’t had time to mess up the world we are trying to hand them. Anything that’s wrong is on us, not them.
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I’ve noticed that the people most in favor of mandatory military service tend to be the ones I would recommend to be deployed immediately?
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P.S. Parenthetically Speaking 