Category Archives: Social Rules

Lemon Moment, Personal, Social Rules, Work

Give Them The Words

11/06/2021 X Teri 2 Comments

Less than a week before my emergency surgery, I wrote a letter to someone who needed a living eulogy and to hear that he was appreciated. The timing of me writing and giving him the letter seems prophetic to me now. I wonder what my words might have meant had things gone differently with my emergency surgery. The lovely thing is that I overcame my awkwardness by sharing my intimate thoughts with another adult, something we don’t do enough. I don’t have to wonder about the alternate future because I chose to silence the voice in my head that said, “Don’t give him the note.” I hate that my first reaction is sometimes to pull back. Over the last year, the barrier I have to do so continues to disintegrate – and I’m as proud of that as I am of my weight loss.

Yesterday, the person who received the letter proved himself worthy of my praise. He went beyond the scope of work and reached out to help another human being, one who was experiencing a difficult day. It’s the only thing that matters. We’re not going to remember bad decisions and particular moments if someone proves that they will walk that extra mile and outside of all their comfort zones. “Trust your instincts,” I told him. They’ve worked out well for him so far. And if they push him to risk reaching out to help someone else, they are the best possible instincts.

Life will continue to beat us all up in unexpected moments; it’s a certainty. Each of us needs to be the giver and the receiver of compassion and understanding when we can. It will be our turn on both ends of this spectrum when we least expect it.

Yesterday, at work, something else happened that I can’t specify due to privacy. All of us mobilized without a second thought, seeing someone suffering and needing both immediately physical help and presence. It lingered with me. The person I wrote the letter to was also one of those who went above and beyond again to jump into spontaneous action. Life and work would be so much lesser without him; that was one of the points I tried to communicate to him.

As I exited the convenience store this morning after buying multidraw lottery tickets, a young woman with bright xanthous hair (I love that word!) sat in her vehicle. She animatedly shook her phone. She was obviously upset. I crossed in front of her to go to my car. As I unlocked my door, I looked over toward her and saw that she was looking over at me. I smiled and made the universal motion for her to roll her window down. Had she not, I would have understood. Strangers are always a risk. Her passenger window went down. “Do you need anything?” The words popped out of my mouth as they often do. Being awkward didn’t occur to me. “I need a miracle,” she said, her voice uneven. “Do you like your mom?” I asked her. She nodded and said, “Yes, she is pretty cool for a mom.” I smiled again and then said seriously, “Well, call her and talk to her about it. Call her right now. That’s what good moms are for.” The girl with the xanthous hair seemed a bit bewildered. “Okay, I think I will. You’re right. This is ridiculous.” I told her to have a good talk with her mom and waved goodbye. I drove away and saw that she was looking at her phone, probably to make a call. I wondered if she’d tell her mom about the odd man in the vest and suit jacket at the convenience store, telling her to call.

I gave her the words.

Love, X
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Opinion, Social Rules

X’s Advice Column

10/28/2021 X Teri Leave a comment

This is an unusual post for me. Someone asked me for advice that I wish I could give everyone.

“Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.” – Fran Lebowitz

“It is not love that makes a relationship complicated; it’s the people in it who do.”

A secret for younger people to adopt: if you’re interested in someone, the truth is that you should just say so, simply and without ambush. All mature people will respond rationally to such interest. Those who don’t aren’t people you’d have success with anyway. It’s never going to be easy to put this into practice. Even the most beautiful and outwardly successful people find themselves tongue-tied and filled with doubt. If it’s hard for them, it ain’t going to be easy for you, either. If you wait until you’re older or when you think you have a handle on things, it will be too late. Life’s intense muck will trap you into indecision and inaction. And yes, you’re going to get shot down for reasons that are entirely out of your control. But guess what? You’re living an authentic life, and you’ll find the people you need by being authentic. If you express interest, you are sharing YOUR feelings and opinion, which is always a healthy practice if you’re doing it responsibly. It takes a lot of practice to handle rejection, and possibly only sociopaths are unbothered by it; it hurts us all to varying degrees. But I can tell you that the answer to every unasked question is “No.”

“I suspect the secret of personal attraction is locked up in our unique imperfections, flaws and frailties.” – Hugh Mackay

“I don’t always know when someone is attracted to me, but when I do, it’s two years later.”

No matter which course you choose, some people are going to dislike you for no reason that you can control. Some people think that Tom Cruise is ugly – or that Lada Gaga isn’t pretty. If they have detractors, there’s no chance in Hell that you’re not going to have them, too. Even if only 1 in 100 people accept your interest, that’s a lot of possible friends or romantic entanglements. Many people you find attractive will be filled with so much self-doubt and dubious past experiences that it will be difficult for them to accept your truth at face value. As people age, this tendency strangles most people.

“I know I’m a handful, but that’s why you got two hands.”

There is no such thing as universal beauty. More importantly, there isn’t one for attraction either. Much of what we overthink boils down to some intangible feeling we have about someone else. A big part of the beauty might be obvious; that’s not always the case. For every taste and preference, there is a fan. Thin, oversized, bald, prominent nose, mustache (man or woman), tastes vary wildly. It helps to remember that you shouldn’t assume that anyone has a fixed idea of attractiveness, especially compared to everyone else. No matter who you are, it’s overwhelmingly probable that someone thinks you’re interesting. If they tell you so, take note.

“Relationships all start with, “Can we talk?” and end up with, “We need to talk.”

It isn’t about relationships. This is about attraction. A secret that will violate a lot of what you think you know is this: you don’t have to buy expensive presents, plan complicated meals, or jump through the hoops you think you do to spend time with someone. Just tell the other person your interest and intentions. That’s it. If they feel the same, you’re going to shortcut all the needless roundabouts to shared time and presence. And if you’re lucky, the attraction will blossom into mutual affection. At a minimum, you’ll get to know another person. You might both mutually flee in terror, but that’s beyond your control at the beginning. You not only have to break the ice, but you also have to dive headlong into the water to find out.

“He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.” – Ring Lardner

“One rarely falls in love without being as much attracted to what is interestingly wrong with someone as what is objectively healthy.”
― Alain de Botton

Love, X

Health, Mental Health, Opinion, Personal, Social Rules

Just Thoughts

10/26/2021 X Teri 3 Comments

It’s strange that you can go to the ER with just about anything and be seen. But if you try to go to the doctor for anxiety, you almost have to walk in naked. (Telling them you expected to get undressed once inside doesn’t bring laughter though, for some reason.) Assuming they don’t use Covid as a buffer to keep people out. So many people suffer with anxiety or depression and never step forward to address it, much less be honest with those around them. They carry secret feedback loops in their head forever, the burden of it growing. Some succumb to alcohol, others to anything that might give them temporary relief. For some, those temporary measures become permanent. Or lead them to make decisions that aren’t in their self-interest. Anyone who steps forward in the smallest way is trying to communicate that they aren’t managing their heads well. It’s easy to dismiss it or look away from people around you showing signs of being stuck. Some of it is because we don’t want to embarrass or meddle in other people’s lives. That’s what we’re here for, though. Without people around us, often even as they drive us a little batsh!t crazy, we let the shadows grow.

For people who say, “Anxiety isn’t real. It’s just worry repackaged and something in hour head.” To which I reply, “Love is unreal in the same sense, but it can be the most uplifting and rewarding thing you can experience. How can you believe in love but not anxiety?” Of course, people look at me like I’m crazy. And not just because I’m prepared to walk into my doctor’s clinic naked.

Over the weekend, someone I’d never expect to suffer from worsening anxiety posted on Facebook about his struggle. He’s the quintessential go-getter and intelligent. I recommended he see a doctor and start on low-dosage medication and treat the problem as if it is very serious. Because it is. Intelligent people are the worst about trying to tread water when there is help available. “It’s all just in my head” is a literal diagnosis rather than a way to dismiss anxiety or its more serious sibling, depression.

Recently, someone I’m close to had a shocking mental health surprise in their family. It broke my heart. Not just because they are good people but because I’m certain it was a hammer strike of surprise in their lives and hearts. Finding out put an icicle in my own head. It made my anxiety seem ridiculous but simultaneously warned me to be more careful. I don’t conceal my anxiety issues because I know that secrecy is poisonous. I wish that people were more open to their struggles and that our medical system would help anyone needing counseling or medication. From my observation, it’s more important now than ever.

We like to observe that people are becoming more callous. They’re not. Our world has shifted into a different corner, one in which people are more isolated or disconnected. Disconnectedness invariably leads to greater problems. We’re social animals and as more people retreat away from the world, the greater the likelihood they’re experiencing mental trauma. Not everyone has obvious clues such as excessive drinking. Some look completely normal and in control of themselves. Until they’re not. A great number of our friends, family, and acquaintances have well-guarded addictions and afflictions.

Love, X